I don't like my dd

[squinny101]

I have a dd (almost 3). she is a very difficult child that I find very hard to deal with.

Today, it suddenly dawned on me that I don't think I love her, I know that I certainly don't like her. But it hit me that my life would be so much easier, if I didn't have to deal with her.

Even writing it makes me feel horribly guilty. I feel so overwhelmed by her behaviour. I have tried to get the HV to listen to me as I really feel that she has behavioiural issues.

Can someone tell me if it is normal to feel like this. I have suffered with PND in the past. I must need help. How can I dislike my own child.

Oh you poor thing
3yos can be a nightmare

Have you tried having fun with her
I know it can be hard when they are being objectionable but it can be easy to fall into the rut of not playing with them, always being down on them, always expecting the worst which is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy

When I am at the end of my tetehr for eg I jump on her and tickle her

Her giggling always lifts my mood and diffuses the tension

It's OK. Not every parent has the same feelings towards their child. You should see your GP though and ask for some help. It will be OK. You shouldn't feel guilty, you can't control this.

I need to rant but here are the things that I find annoy me so much.

1. She screams constantly and has the most raging tantrums.
2. She constantly puts things in her mouth. She should have grown out of this by now surely.
3. A minute ago I found her lying in a pool of wee. She had not even bothered to get up.
4. She is just horrible to her brother. SHe is always screaming at him and fighting with him. He is no angel I know but she is so vicious.

There are things I love about her. She is very funny and says and does very funny things. she can be affectionate.

Why do the negative feelings outweight the positive things.

Please go to your GP and refuse to leave until you get some help.

This is a chicken and egg situation.

Your dd's behaviour won't change until you are able to change yours, and it really sounds as if you need urgent help and support to do that.

She is not quite 3. She is not responsible, and cannot be expected to behave like a child who is older. You sound depressed. Please get help.

When you say that your life would be easier if you didn't have to deal with her, I feel chilled to the bone.

Do you have any support?

No I don't have any support. She is an angel at the nursery apparently and my partner although he admits she is a handful, obvioulsy only sees her in the evenings and weekends.

Please do not think I would ever do anything to harm her I just feel like a weight has been lifted when she is at nursery.

If she is an angel at nursery, perhaps you could look at ways of having a routine at home that she feels secure in IYSWIM.

Some children need to know what is happening and what is coming next, in order to feel relaxed and secure. Perhaps she feels happier in the environment of nursery.

Also, IME small children are like puppies. They are much better behaved if fed and walked regularly, and have a routine of regular meals and bed/nap times.

Planning your time can also reduce your stress and make everyone calmer.

How old is your ds?

I have to go to school in a minute and won't get back to the computer until Saturday morning, but keep posting, I am sure lots of people will be along later, after the school run.

She will be 3 in a couple of months. I feel so ashamed that I have admitted that I feel this way. I try so hard with all my children. My own mother told me yesterday that she thinks I shout at them too much. I have three children DS 5, the DD and a baby who is 11 months.

I see these mothers acting like fucking Mary Poppins and can't see where I'm going wrong.

No one finds it easy. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with them being fairly close in age. I feel the same sometimes and want to ignore the badly behaved one to concentrate on the good as gold one, but then they switch and 'reverse roles'.

How much help do you get from your H? Do you get time just for you ever?

very rarely. i work every evening as well so the only time i get for me is at work.
i don't like to take the mick though and leave them with him for too long. yes i know he is their father as well but he works very hard and feel guilty if i land them on him for long periods of time especially as he comes straight home from work and looks after them so i can go to work.

So you work all day, then work in the evenings?

All he has to do is put them to bed and what? Watch tv? Do not feel guilty it is a shared responsibility and tbh it sounds like you are doing too much. no wonder you feel so rubbish.

Don't feel bad, please, just go and get some help.

Not one of us is the perfect parent and especially with a 2 year old. They can go out of their way to wind us up especially when they know it will get a reaction, even if it is shouting, they don't mind. All those Mary Poppins types will have their moments too, even if they don't admit it to you. My 2 year old can really try my patience, she is lovely but she chooses when I am tired to turn into a monster.

There is no perfect solution to this but try to see things from her point of view, she is having to share you with 2 others and she has found the best way to get your attention is acting up so she is going to do this as much as possible. Trying to have some time with just her and praising her good behaviour is a good one to try and while giving the others lots of praise and ignoring her bad behaviour will be good too just remember that she is probably feeling a bit insecure with the new baby around even 11 mths down the line, she isn't the baby any more and doesn't like it so lots of cuddles, affection and hair ruffling if she will let you. This would also help you to feel better about her if you can be affectionate with her more.

Ignore the tantrums unless she is in danger, even in the supermarket or other public theatre, I've learnt by experience that people can look but so what? and dd soon got bored when I seemingly didn't care. Equally with the things in mouth my dd does that to wind me up so as long as I know it won't hurt her I ignore it even though it irritates me.

The whole thing will be over soon, really, but just get some support for you in the mean time and if your health visitor isn't helping see if you can see another one.

With threads like this it makes me wonder what did people do before having outlets and support like we have on mumsnet, was it all just bottled up?

I just keep bottling and bottling and every so often i have an explosion. i never tell my dh how i am feeling as i am not sure what he will do. how can i admit to my friends and family that i am a complete failure as a mother. i have a shit relationship with my own mother and my biggest worry is that dd and i will continue on that tradition.

aw i can relate to your post, its hard isnt it. I have a three year and 2 month old and a two year old in june. I had PND with my eldest too and still feel i have not bonded with her the way i have my second, despite doing everything i can such as making sure i play with her and talk to her, and cuddle her. Because of the PND she made a very close bond with her dad and its very hard to be anything more to her than just the person that feeds her. or at least thats sometimes how it feels!

I recently fell out with my DP because i have wanted to see someone for some time to try to get a better bond going with my child, but how i am meant to find the time i dont know! like you i am with the kids all day then work in the evening.

If it helps any, i think its mostly learned thinking that makes you feel the way you do...if you know deep down that you DO love your child and the thought of anything REALLY happening to them is just undescribable, then i think its just a case of time and patience before things get easier.

Did you bond well with your second? Do you alwasy feel out of control with your first or just dont know what to do sometimes? I know thats part of the problem with me, with my eldest she is always doing something new, good or bad, always changing and its hard to know how to be a good parent. With my second, she is only ever doing what my eldest did, and i have learned how to deal with it, so everything seems much easier with her. Its definately a habit that needs to be broken, that thought pattern ;)

DD is my second child. I am very close to my first child (ds) as he is my son from a very abusive relationship and we do have a very special bond. I also feel very close to the baby and I remember feeling like this when dd (in question!) was born. I feel like the relationship is slowly disintegrating.

She is the apple of her daddy's eye and sometimes i wonder if i am a bit jealous there for some reason. i always remember as a child my mother giving me hurt looks as we all fussed over my dad. i don't want to be that person.

same with me and my eldest, her daddy absolutely adores the ground she walks on, to the point that i remember him shouting at my second baby when she was 6 MONTHS OLD for not drinking her milk 'properly' she even had a cold at the time. I had to keep reminding myself that it wasnt her fault (eldest) and i shouldnt resent her but it can be hard when 98% of our arguing is over her. When i tell her off she will run to daddy and give me filthy looks behind him! I certainly did feel jealous too, because i had only been with my DP 8 weeks when i fell pregnant with my eldest and felt i had hardly any time with him by myself before my eldest arrived and took all his attention. But you have to be firm with yourself, keep saying that she is just a young child, she doesnt mean to do the things that annoy you, she doesnt even think like that yet. And maybe see if you can get some one on one time with her each day, even if its just fifteen minutes. It takes time to love someone, and for some parents, it just doesnt always come naturally.

Squinny - would it be possible for you to spend some time with your dd this weekend - just the two of you together, perhaps go swimming?? Neither of you will be competing with the other children, you will have some space to enjoy her, she will not need to shock/anger you to get attention.

my DH and I realised in about January of this year that the entire family (including ourselves)seemed to be taking its frustration out on our third child - when actually he was just being an almost 2 year old. His behaviour was unbearable and we were all just screaming at him. One day as I slumped next to him in tears on the naughty step - I turned to see him smiling at me and he said "Hello mummy" and it just broke something in me and I realised he only ever had my negative attention and not my posisitve attention - he was mirroring my mood back to me. We haven't looked back

I do feel sometimes that everyone makes a fuss of my son more because he doesn't live with his father. He is always being taken places while dd is not because i think people are scared she will 'act up'.

I will make a resolve here and now to try and do more things with her just her and me.

I would take her swimming but apparently there are sharks in the pool and she may fall down the plug hole.

I just need to pull myself together.

it is a bit 'pull yourself together' thats what i had to tell myself. I even started by making a check list of things i wanted to make sure i did with my eldest each day, which included anything from just sitting doing a puzzle, to telling her i loved her and that she as a good, clever, pretty little girl, trying to build the confidence i felt i as knocking in her. I also tried to make sure i did one 'special' activity with her a day, such as playing skittles or making paper hats or fairy cakes. I wrote down each day, things i felt good about in regards to my eldest and also things i felt bad about, how i could improve on it next time. I am that sort of person though, too tightly controlled, and it really helped me, though maybe not so much you if you are not that type of person. It can and will get better though, just dont expect to never have a bad day again though!

Yes sharks are always a risk

Look your girl in the eye, tell her you love her, give her a big cuddle, just say "oh dear" if she wets herself, no fuss over the tantrums. Make her feel safe. If you don't stand up for her - no one else will.

Things will change. DS3 has gone from being the cause of everything that went wrong (unexpected pregnancy, latish in life, colicky baby to boot, highly strung baby/toddler, extortionate childcare costs when we had just put ourselves out on a financial limb to buy a big house....) to being the absolute light of our lives. We just had to rethink our behaviour - not his!

Best of luck squinny.

Aww squinny you are having a tough time.

3 year olds are vile, no getting away from that.

As others have mentioned, it's very easy to slip into a negative spiral and find yourself at loggerheads, permanently. It's very draining.

Special time with your DD, one-on-one, can help, as can doing your best to :

Catch her being good - praise praise praise
Give her achievable tasks (puzzles, setting the table/pairing up socksinsert here) to boost her perception that she can do nice things too

Ignoring the behaviour that you want to eliminate. This is the biggie, and very hard to do. I can recommend Toddler Taming by Dr Christopher Green, and Tanya Byron has some good ideas too.

I had the toddler from hell, and feel your pain.

If you've got the money seek a little counselling or get on a waiting list with your GP, fast. Can I also suggest that you have some with DD on her own, get to like her again without the hassle of the other two. A baby that does no wrong and an older child who is better at abiding by rules are always going to be easier than the three year old in the middle, give both of you a break. Do something new and exciting and have fun with her. Go back to parenting basics, write down the things you are really good at concerning parenting, I bet you can be really happy and smiley... perhaps make your self a sticker chart and focus on the great things you do.
Good luck, we all have times like this or we are not mothers, the holders of all guilt and responsibility when it comes to our offspring!!

just wanted to say thank you for this. We have spent the morning together swimming and then the park. She said she loves mummy and scarlett time together. Although my son did say he never has time just me and him which makes you feel great. He's gone to the farm with a friend. I said we would have just mummy and him time soon.

I looked at her today when she was mucking about in her swimsuit and realised just how much I do love her feel terrible for thinking these things about her.

We did get out of the pool after ten mins though as she does not like the pool its too wet.