I’m a new mum and need help

[Rosiebun]

I’m a first time mum to a 6 week old baby, and have also recently come off some antidepressants I’d been taking for the last few years.

I’m really struggling mentally. I feel like I’m not cut out to be a mum, part of me feels like I even regret it and I miss my old life so much. I keep trying to push the feelings down and ignore them as but it’s hard and I just feel like a crying mess all the time. I don’t feel like myself and I don’t know when or if I ever will again. I feel so guilty because I know I do love my little girl, and I love my partner too, he is supportive and a great dad. But I miss when it was just the two of us, like I said I miss my old life and I can’t help but feel like we’ve made a terrible mistake. It was me who wanted to try for a baby as well, my partner wasn’t too fussed at the time. When I got pregnant, I didn’t really feel that excited, I just felt anxious all the time, and I tried to convince myself it would be better once the baby arrived. Apart from feeling anxious I had a relatively easy pregnancy, but the birth was traumatic and I don’t feel like I have fully processed it yet.

I continued taking my medication (mirtazapine) while I was pregnant as my doctor told me it was safe to do so, and my baby is fine health wise so there were no side effects to me taking it, but I decided to come off it after I had her as it was making me really drowsy on a night and I struggled to wake up with her in the night and it felt borderline dangerous. I didn’t want to feel drowsy in the night whilst getting up with a newborn baby, surely that isn’t a good idea. But now, as a result, I have the opposite problem, being that I am SO sleep deprived but I just can’t sleep. Even when the baby is asleep, I can’t fall asleep because I can’t switch my brain off or her grunting and active sleep keeps me awake. Just as I start to drift off, she wakes up and the whole process starts again. I don’t want to feel resentment towards her but I think I’m starting to.

As I mentioned my partner is great and he does his fair share of night feeds etc, but I just feel so guilty. I feel like I’m a terrible partner and a terrible mother. I feel ashamed of how I feel. I feel like I should just suck it up and get on with it, I wanted to have a baby so I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But I feel like a complete failure and I just don’t know what to do.

Please talk to your GP/health visitor about this - show them this post if you can't find the words.

Handhold here OP. Sounds like you're possibly experiencing a bit of PND so probably could really do with going back on your antidepressants. Speak to GP about maybe getting some that don't make you feel too drowsy at night. It's obvious that you care for your little one so definitely talk to GP and HV about getting some support. Don't carry on as you are with resentment building

Hiya, I'm not a mum but defo speak to your GP. There are other antidepressants that aren't mirtazipine (which is beautiful for helping you fall asleep) but still lift mood. I'm sure it's also okay to feel a bit daunted during this phase too but you will find your own way through with a bit of support x

Hi darling you've just been through the toughest bit and it gets a lot easier when you get more sleep.
It's ok to miss your child free time, and you WILL get child free time back not not quite yet while your baby is so little and needy. X

Big hug from me. You're not a terrible partner or mother, you want to do your best for your beautiful new baby but you're struggling and that's understandable.

I really think you need to speak to your GP, as like a previous poster said there might be a bit of post natal depression starting and it's important you get help with that as soon as possible. My own PND wasn't diagnosed until six months post partum, at which stage I was really struggling, but when I finally confided in my GP and got put on anti depressants it was such a relief.

Don't worry, a new baby is a huge upheaval and a lot to adjust to. It will get better, and you sound like you need a bit of support to get there, so reach out to your GP or HV. It's OK to cry down the phone by the way, I'm not ashamed to admit that I did.

Oh, and with regard to the traumatic birth, you might find it helpful to talk to someone about that as well - maybe a birth debrief?

Congratulations on your baby daughter

Bless you.

Did you get support with coming off the mitazapine and do a gradual reduction?
It may be worth considering a different medication that doesn’t have a sedative effect.

It’s so normal to feel this way after birth. Then add in coming off meds, lack of sleep and a traumatic birth experience.
Speak to your GP and HV.
Is your Dh aware of how you are feeling?

It does get better, please know that - even though you feel in the pits right now. Please speak to your GP/HV too. I can really recommend the PANDAS charity, their support has been really beneficial. Sending you virtual💐

pandasfoundation.org.uk

Thank you for your kind words. I wanted to come off the mirtazapine for a while because I hated how it made me feel really groggy and almost hungover. Because we were in the hospital for a few nights, I didn’t take it because I was worried I wouldn’t wake up if she cried or would feel really groggy and drowsy. I took one on the night we came home, but I was so tired in the night that I struggled to feed her (I was breastfeeding at the time but have now gone to formula as a result of my MH)
it was at that point that I decided to stop taking them as I didn’t feel it was a good idea with a new baby, so I pretty much went cold turkey which I know is a terrible idea.

He is aware I’m struggling yes, but not to the full extent

What dose were you on and for how long?
Does your gp know you have stopped?

I know it’s frustrating and get why you stopped but it’s not a good idea to come off completely instead of reducing. Anxiety and depression can worsen and as you have found the insomnia is frightful!

Would you consider a less sedating medication?

Do you have anyone that you can be completely honest with that would be supportive? Being a new mum is really lonely sometimes especially if you are feeling rubbish about yourself.

As others have said, it does get easier but you have a lot going on.

I was on 15mg which is the lowest dose for around 4 years. I know, you are right and I really didn’t want to just come off it cold turkey but I just didn’t/don’t feel comfortable taking it with a new baby.

yes, I’d consider taking a different medication so I’m going to speak to the GP about it. I’ve got the HV coming next week too.

I tried to speak to my close friend about it the other day but I felt like she sort of brushed it off, which I was surprised at as I thought she might understand as she has a 6 month old. I have spoken to my partner too but I haven’t been fully honest with him about the extent of it, I don’t think I can say the words “I’m starting to resent our daughter”, I think he’d be really really upset.

Sending so much love to you OP, this is an incredibly tough stage of life and especially tricky to navigate when you have MH struggles.
I was able to continue sertraline while pregnant and continue to do so while breastfeeding.

My local Mind have a perinatal team who are AMAZING. I can't recommend them enough and you can self refer through their website. I don't know if all locations are the same but mine offer various courses and drop in groups which I've done.
It's different from any other baby group type scenario as everyone understands the MH struggle. 100% worth checking out for your local area.

Also I found such helpful support from La Leche League, their main point is supporting BF mums but in my experience will provide evidence based non-judgemental support which is so needed when you are questioning and second guessing yourself.

This is hard and it's okay and normal to find it hard. You're amazing to have the strength to talk about it on here and I hope you can find some useful resources local to you. As well as GP/HV/perinatal team in your area.
We are all on here rooting for you and hope you feel peace and calm soon 💛

I’m sure that you know but it’s more sedating at lower doses.

I’m so sorry that you have no one to be completely open with. Will you join any baby groups/postnatal groups? Maybe not right away as you are so tired but sometimes they can be a godsend when others don’t get it.

I’m glad that you are going to speak to your GP.
Keep posting, mumsnet can be incredibly helpful when you feel so alone.

Oh OP, sorry you feel like this. I think alot of these feelings are pretty normal that will hopefully go away, but as you were on antidepressants before I think it would help if they could give you something different maybe. Definitely speak to the doctors or HV. I remember feeling like this, I went to the doctors to see what was actually normal and what was PND, they couldn't tell me where the line is drawn between the 2 and offered me antidepressants straight away which I didn't want. I was struggling so much. Do you get out of the house much? I found that this helped me alot in the beginning, I met with other mums who were going through similar things and there's absolutely no judgement for it. Nothing quite prepares you for the huge life change, my son's 10 months now and I really really don't want to go back to work, things will get better for you OP, sounds like you need some sleep too, sleep deprivation is horrendous and doesn't help at all. Once baby is sleeping more this should help too. For us it got better around week 8 x

Thank you so much. I really didn’t want to be on any kind of medication but I think I probably need to, even if it’s just temporarily to help me through this difficult stage. I try and get out the house at least once a day for a walk with the pram, but it is usually just me on my own so it can get a little lonely x

Thank you so much. How are you feeling now?

If you can find some baby groups that will be good for you. But also once babys a bit more aware, going out with just you and baby will be more fun x

Lots of love to you - it can be such a huge transition with a lot of physical and emotional upheaval 💐

You might find these organisations helpful - they have amazing support services

For perinatal mental health support: PANDAS https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

For birth trauma support: Birth Trauma Association
https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org/

How are things going for you now OP?

Hey, I spoke to the HV and they referred me to the perinatal mental health team, who I had an assessment with today. I’m still struggling, but they’re going to contact me next week to come up with a plan so I’m hopeful they can support me to start to feel better

Hi @Rosiebun glad you've reached out for help and support, things will get better. A plan of support from the perinatal mental health team sounds good.

Thanks for asking how I am now; it's a long time ago as my children are grown now and I'm long since recovered, but I've never forgotten how awful I felt back then.

If you’re anywhere near me in London. /. Kent border then happy to go for a stroll with you a baby 😊

First of all massive hugs to you
i wonder if this decline is due to you coming off the medication with titrating down gradually . I have bipolar and it is emphasised how important it to gradually come off medications. I am so glad you have seeked help- this is so brave
Remember you are an amazing mummy. All those hormones are raging . You will be back to you x