I have posted here before. But I am in a crisis. I have SEVERE health anxiety and OCD, and it’s been debilitating for years. Like it’s so severe I can’t even begin to describe it. I just had a baby two months ago — she’s healthy, and my pregnancy was physically perfect — but mentally, it was pure torture. I spent the whole time convinced something awful would happen. Every minute of every day. I was so convinced I would get pre eclampsia I started seeing stars in my vision all day long (my brain made it up).
Around 38 weeks pregnant, I was obsessing over a pregnancy-related fear when my eyes landed on a mole I’ve had for years — and my OCD immediately latched onto it. This mole was actually a major obsession about 4-5 years ago, but I was too scared to get it checked. Eventually my anxiety moved on to another health worry at the time (I think it was lymphoma), and the mole faded into the background. Occasionally I would see it over the years and nothing jumped out to me. But now the obsession is back — and I’m convinced it’s melanoma, and more specifically advanced melanoms (stage 2+). Especially since it’s been undiagnosed for years. It’s large, weird-looking, and meets all the ABCDE criteria (it’s always been like that since I first discovered the mole 5 years ago). And it slightly changed over the years (stayed the same size but got more raised and defined… although it’s very soft and mobile). I have a derm appointment in 4 days. I can’t eat, I wake up in panic attacks, I cry every day, I feel detached from my baby. She’s going to lose her mom because I have cancer, most likely advanced. I’m not living — I’m just surviving each minute until the appointment. I feel like my body is breaking from the anxiety. I’m sleep deprived… not due to the baby bug because of the anxiety. I feel like I am going to die from a heart attack! The only things I have pointing away from this mole being melanoma is that it has stayed the same size for 5 years (but it “filled in” a bit during that time and got more defined) and it’s very soft and squishy even though it’s raised. But I am certain it is melanoma. So sure. I hate doing this to my amazing husband. I do have an appointment with my family doctor this week to talk about my mental health and maybe some stronger meds. I am currently on Zoloft and in therapy.
It is 6:20am and I’ve been up for an hour because of this. My 2 month old sleeps amazing and sleeps through the night. I could get a solid 8 hours if I wanted. But it’s my anxiety keeping me up.
How do you survive the waiting without falling apart? My appointment is in 4 days but they will probably do a biopsy which is more waiting. How do I stay present and happy with my daughter when I’m convinced I’m dying? How do I not go through each day in fear? I legit feel like I am going to die from a heart attack due to this worry. It’s INTENSE. By just thinking about the appointment I almost pass out. I cry, my heart is pounding all the time. Do you ever get through the wait not worrying all day long? Do you enjoy life while waiting for results? How??
I know I have health anxiety and OCD, but I am convinced this is “the one”.
Not sure if relevant but I’m in Canada.