Good evening,
I'm really struggling. I have two children. My eldest is 21 in a few weeks. I split with her abusive father 5 years ago.
I'm now in a wonderful relationship and have a 2.5 year old.
In a very small nutshell:
During my pregnancy with my son, I herniated three discs. He was born via c/s at 36 weeks and was in NICU for 10 days. In the last 18 months, I have had x3 spinal surgeries. I have incomplete cauda equina syndrome and have permanent nerve damage. I've had EMDR and lots of therapy. I have PTSD and birth trauma.
I am under the care of the early attachment team and I have re referred myself to talking therapies locally. I work full time, but I don't have friends as such. I don't have family I can lean on. Despite all this I have recovered well or so I thought.
So.....
Yesterday whilst at a presribed Move & Play session (delayed gross motor skills), I couldnt get on the floor or really do anything with my son. I felt like I was being judged for not interacting with him like the other mums. He had a huge tantrum and I just couldn't deal with it. I can't lift him or bend down to try and help. I was assisted by the helpers and they distracted him whilst I just burst into tears. They took me to a room to compose myself and were lovely and said all the right things.
Fast forward to tonight and I just had to deal with another tantrum, albeit at home, so could use furniture etc to get on the floor. I tried to console him, but he just smacks and kicks me.
My childminder is AMAZING and does everything with him, parks, groups, allotment tots, library etc.
Then he comes home to me and just lashes out. I can't do the fun stuff as well as my childminder.
So I'm just what exactly?
I don't feel like his mummy, and I'm taking everything personally and I'm beginning to feel resentful. Like... I just want to be me again.