Stages of grief

[Anon543210]

Hi mumsnetters I recently posted on here about my daughter passing away aged 13 from a genetic condition back in March. We had her funeral near the end of April and since she had passed I think ive just been suppressing all my feelings and not dealing with things properly. For example people are going to think im completely and utterly heartless but I didn't cry at her funeral when everyone else was sobbing their hearts out, I have always been a quite private person and I dont like showing my emotions in public im a very much do what you have to do behind the safety of my closed door. I've cried, screamed and shouted since then always in the privacy of my own home and when my partner is at work I really don't like anyone else seeing me in a state and always try and paint on a smile when I have to go out anywhere so that no one can tell what im going through dont want anyone feeling sorry for me.
Anyway here is the main bit now just recently the last couple of weeks ive felt so unreasonably and aggressively angry but also in a I cant be bothered with anything mood for example my partner and I are supposed to be going on holiday in sept and I should be looking forward to it after the past year ive had but I found myself telling him im not sure if I even want to go and that its just too much effort and time flying to get there and he can go on his own or take his mum. I'm getting bored of things easily and have no patience for anything or anyone is this another stage of grief? And will I come out the other side of it? Has anyone else ever felt like this when grieving? I just feel like my patience and tolerance is set at zero at the minute and im actually tired of feeling like it but dont know how to pull myself out of it. I used to find joy in the smallest things now all I see is darkness and anger and it actually scares me.
Thank you if you got this far and I do appreciate any advice you can give.

Hiya

I didn't want to read and run and I'm so sorry for the situation you've found yourself in.

When my mum passed away, I've been exactly as what you have described. I'm a private person and I did find myself increasingly irritable.
I went for counselling but it didn't do much for me.

Sometimes we grieve when the person is dying so there's no one way to grieve.

I would strongly suggest to see if its hormones and also, keep yourself busy. Rest as much as possible but see the people you like. Force yourself and then it gets easier.

I hope my jumble made sense.

Lots of love

I lost my son almost a year ago and completely understand what you are saying and how you are feeling. I’m a little ahead of you on this horrible journey but if you would like to dm me I’d be happy to write more privately.

Thank you for responding to my post and the advice.
I did think of maybe doing grief counselling but I have had counselling before for something unrelated and I found it didn't really work so am a bit wary of doing it again and getting nowhere or even ending up worse.
I did turn 40 years old back in December so will be 41 this year and I was already suspecting I may be starting peri menopause as my periods went all weird was having them some months then none other months so maybe it could also be hormonal.
I also think I may have some kind of undiagnosed adhd as I've always got bored of things easily, short attention span and I forget things so easy like you could literally have told me something this morning and by this afternoon it would be gone out of my head completely forgotten.
I'm more worried about my anger coz even though my partner is a very understanding and patient man I could test even a saints patience im picking little fights with him over nothing at all and I can see its starting to get to him even though he doesn't say anything.

I’m so so sorry for your loss.
I have always assumed that the grief of losing a child is extreme and particular and perhaps not necessarily comparable with other kinds of grief.
My instinct is that you may really benefit from a community of those who have also lost a child. I would definitely try bereavement counseling again as it may be really useful now and your previous experience may not be an indicator of how well it might work now.
I imagine the psychological work is hefty and that whenever you feel you can start would be great.
xxxx

So sorry for your loss. I am no psychologist but it makes complete sense. The one thing that stood out from your post especially was where you said 'I should be looking forward to it' - words like should, must etc. are signs that we are holding ourselves to expectations - are they realistic? Would you expect a friend in your shoes to feel excited? Giving yourself the kindness and compassion that you would give a friend in your shoes may help. I wish you the best OP 💓

Thank you I've been looking into hypnosis as an alternative because ive read about people being helped with this i know I need to do something because I have really changed ive been picking little arguments with my partner for no reason he has never done anything wrong when I pick these arguments and the poor man cant do right for doing wrong so I know something needs to give because if I was him I dont know how he puts up with it all.

You've made a really good point there but I suppose ive always tried to hold myself to high standards, take the high road hold my head high etc and I wouldn't expect anyone else to react like me so I dont know why I expect it from myself its like a compulsion or something.

I haven't read this book but I know (friend of friends) the author and it has been very well reviewed;

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Grief-Companion-Change-Loss/dp/1504350316

What you describe matches my experience of grief after my daughter died ten years ago. I didn't cry at her funeral either - it felt completely disconnected and unreal and I also struggle to show my emotions in public. I find I need to make space to be alone to let my tears out regularly or I start feeling like a pressure cooker about to explode. I've struggled with rage and zero patience for years since then but over the past few years I have found more tools to live with those emotions and I've started feeling more at peace. A low dose of sertraline has really helped my to feel more balanced so I can get the motivation to do things that help like getting outside more and doing hobbies. But I do also feel sertraline numbs me a bit, so I think if I had taken it for too long in the early years I might just have delayed processing. Counselling has helped me too - I found a clinical psychologist much better than the two counsellors I tried.

I think my main advice is to be gentle with yourself and try to trust that you will find a way through that works for you in your own time.

I'm so sorry for your loss I am on mirtazipine and have been for years for depression anxiety and ptsd but it just makes me really out of it and I dont like it I think we should feel some things and it will make us stronger. Before I was on mirtazipine I was on sertraline but I had to come off them because they kept making me feel sick and I couldn't handle the nausea I was also on beta blockers a few years ago for panic attacks but ive not taken them for ages I just feel like people must think im heatless because ive not shown them any emotion but I cant fake a breakdown and wouldn't want to I do all my crying and screaming behind closed doors. I do need to stop picking arguments with my partner though because he completely doesn't deserve it and im honestly not trying to drive him away.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It sounds unbearable to me and it's been virtually no time at all since it happened. I have a few questions and suggestions but these are based on my own experiences.

Do you feel like you need to fix this? That you want to get over the grief to move on with your life? In my experience it take much much longer than a few months to feel as if any progress has been made at all and even then you find yourself endlessly cycling back through the stages. Time helps in some ways (it's true) but years rather than weeks or months.

Do you talk to others about how you're feeling? Not just your dh or family - do you have friends who will just listen and won't try to solve this for you? Failing that, are there any support groups around? Grief is a weird thing - you almost need to give yourself permission to just acknowledge it and give into it. I've found talking to people about their own experiences has helped me to understand mine.

Also, this may not be for you but reading about it has really helped, as well as listening to podcasts. Sometimes it is reassuring to know that you're not alone. X

Hi its not that I dont want to grieve i just want to not be picking arguments with my other half because he really doesn't deserve it. I just want to not feel so empty and numb aswell but apart from that ive screamed ive cried until ive fell asleep then woke up crying. I think what's bothering me the most at the moment is it should have been her birthday on Thursday and we should have been celebrating and instead I get to visit her grave and leave gifts that she'll never get to play with.

It must feel horribly unfair. No one will blame you for being angry or sad or any other things. Can you talk to your partner about how you're both feeling? Even if you agree to give each other masses of space (and forgiveness) at this point at least you have talked about it honestly and understand where each other are coming from.

I've posted this analogy before but it's worth repeating.

When it comes to dealing with loss our mind can conclude that the thing we
have lost was so integral to our idea of what happiness is that we can never be happy again. In these instances, we need to ‘zero the scales’.

When we want to weigh out ingredients to cook something, we place a bowl on the scales and hit the zero button so that the weight of the bowl does not confuse our calculations. Then we add the ingredients and the numbers go up; were we to remove the bowl, the scales would read a minus number. To continue weighing anything accurately we must hit the button to zero the scales once more, now the bowl isn’t there. When we have a tragedy in our life we can be plunged into depression because our happiness levels now read a minus.

Any attempt to improve our life would result in slightly less of a minus... but a minus all the same. Depression is when we don’t see any way of getting back to
zero. Our ability to move on from tragedy depends entirely on their ability to adapt to where they are now and to effectively ‘zero the scales’.

If we can accept where we are today we can start to once again build on our happiness levels. Human beings are, in fact, excellent at resetting the scales and adapting to new circumstances - because it's what we do.

I hope this helps, if not now but in time. X