Hello, as some of you may have seen, I was really anxious this time last week about my girlfriend coming over. I failed to see her last Thursday and Friday because I developed a sort of OCD around sex and whether I'd done something wrong, so I wanted to stay home to avoid any intimacy with her. She ended up coming to mine on Saturday night. I was really anxious but I didn't cancel, and she stayed for 3 days and left on Wednesday morning.
On Thursday evening, she wasn't feeling great and asked to come again. Because she'd been here for 3 days already, I kind of wanted to be alone and play my stupid games. This made me feel like a horrible boyfriend and I felt very guilty for feeling like that, but I went through with her coming and we had a good evening. She stayed overnight and left yesterday afternoon. Today she asked if she should come again or go back to her accommodation, and I feel really guilty as before, because I told her she can come but on the inside I feel like I want to relax by myself again.
While she was here the first 3 days, she noticed that I was kind of anxious/on edge one night and even offered to go home since it seemed like she was the problem. I said no and that I was the issue, not her, just my overthinking about every little touch and intimacy, but I still felt like an asshole for making her feel like that.
Today is also my mum's birthday, and I feel even worse because it should be a nice, happy day but I'm being horrible and ruining it by not wanting my girlfriend to come over. On the inside, I kind of want to have a few days to myself now and relax by playing games in my room, but I don't want it to seem like I've "had enough of her" in a way since that's just being an asshole and no boyfriend should feel like that about their girlfriend. I spoke to my mum about it and she said it's okay to want some space or alone time, but I still don't think it's a great thing to feel nor say to her since she'll be upset.
I told her that she can come and we've agreed on it. But all this talking, and even writing this post where I'm talking about not wanting to see her behind her back makes me feel really guilty. It even feels as if me and my mum have been badmouthing her behind her back, by me telling her that I didn't really feel like wanting my girlfriend to come and wanting to stay by myself.
So when she does come in a few hours, in my mind I feel like there's just gonna be a sense of bad "energy" or tension. I wish I didn't say anything and just kept my feelings to myself or at least didn't tell anyone.
Reading my last posts, this is a common feeling that I have, but this time it's a genuine reason and not something silly - when I do see her later tonight and she comes over, I feel like I can't even touch her, nor hug her, nor be intimate, because I'm keeping all these things from her behind her back, and if she knew that I didn't really want her to come she wouldn't want to be here let alone touch and hug me, so in a way it seems like a crime to me again.
It's like last time with the whole clubbing thing, except this time it's a genuine issue that I didn't want her to come and told my mum about it. My mum is okay with her coming over but asked if I don't feel like it why did I go forth with it.
She also said I shouldn't think of it as bad mouthing her and that no one has said anything bad about my girlfriend, but I still feel guilty, and that as soon as I meet her any hugging or touching without telling her that I've spoken behind her back will be a crime because she wouldn't have wanted it had she known.
I didn't tell her to not come and instead said she can and I'll meet her outside to walk her back home, but that just leaves a bad tension in the house when she does come because of all the things about me not wanting her to come and even telling my mum about it. I feel like I shouldn't be close nor touch her without telling her all this. Again it's the same old, but this time I am being an asshole of a boyfriend.
I don't know if anyone else has felt like they wanted to be alone instead of with their partner, but I don't want to be a boyfriend that doesn't want to see his girlfriend because he's selfish and wants to be by himself. Should I go forward with meeting her tonight or call it off? Will it be fine to forget about this and still hug her, touch her and cuddle without telling her about all the things I've done? Thank you guys in advance.