Help with PDA triggered by friend.

[LadyIrony]

I'm currently waiting for my ADHD assessment. I used to be functional but the menopause has not been kind.

Last week a long term and close friend, while drunk, complained me that I never contact her and only ever reply. It was meant as a criticism, and my friend has her own neuro-diverse traits which might make her blunter than perhaps she intended. She wouldn't have meant to upset me as much as she had and would be distressed if she knew.

I 100% have object permanence issues. I don't think about people or things unless they are in front of me or something triggers a memory. I thought about one of my teenage DDs today when a watching something relevant to her autism (diagnosed), but didn't think about my other daughter at all - and she had 2 GCSE exams today. Of course when they arrived home I spent time with them, catching up on their days, made special post exam snacks etc. Writing this will be the first time I've thought about my mother in 2 days, and I bloody love my mum.

My friend knows I have this, as I've said it's how my head works, but she might not understand what it's like.

I also have PDA. I sometimes have to hang onto the immediate flash to anger that comes when someone wants something of me, particularly if I was already working my way to it. I then have to drag myself out of that mood to try to do the task and it's not always easy. And I have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria - I'd rather have no friends than risk being told I'm a shit one. I keep my circle small for this reason.

So a perfect storm is now going off in my head and I've thought of little else in the last 3 days and I've done bugger all work (self employed) and pretty much just got sucked into doing nothing useful and feeling crap. I don't know what to do. I mean I could set an alarm to remind me to send her some cheery text once a week or so, but then that will just be a chore I'd want to procrastinate on, and it wouldn't be 'real'.

I'm not sure what to do about this friend. Right now I want to bin her off, but that's the RSD talking and honestly she's lovely. I have another friend of 30+ years I could probably talk to about this, but I'm worried she'll agree and I couldn't cope right now. So it's you MN!

OTHER ADHD crap - if you've got this far you don't need more info, but it's just how fucked my life is at the moment.

My main reasons for seeking an ADHD assessment are: that I have executive functioning issues - chronically untidy house, struggle with self care. I'm self employed and despite waking up each day excited to do my work I just get lost in a haze of procrastination, and then self-loathing. The fact my work is related to a mental health supporting complimentary therapy is just ironic. I'm overwhelmed 100% of the time.

I know I talk over people and all that stuff. I always was called a chatterbox (from childhood) and often realise I might have been talking too much and then just shut down, followed by overthinking and more self-loathing that can go on for days. I already doubt if I'm a worthwhile friend to the people around me, or that anyone wants to spend time with me.

I am also part of a neurospicy household. Hubby and daughter both are autistic with a PDA profile, things like the untidy house, difficulties with self care and issues around getting work done could be down to those all those things being demands and if there's ADHD in the mix too then that will make it extra hard. If you're struggling at the moment maybe you are burnt out?
The expectation of your friend wanting a message is also going to create a demand, setting an alarm is another demand so probably wouldn't work either. I have adhd and tend to do the same as you I don't message other people and only message someone when they message me but I have to do it straight away otherwise they will have no chance of a response!!

Be honest with your issues; a true friend may be upset but will understand in the long term.

Very similar to you in terms of object permanence. I have reminders set on my phone to text my son twice a week as once he left home I realised that unless I checked in with him he wouldn’t tell me if he was really struggling due to AS and I wouldn’t necessarily think about him unless something reminded me of him, and even then it wouldn’t be a prompt to text. I know this sounds bizarre to most people though. I think it only really makes sense to us folks ! Maybe try the reminder thing, granted the first few times you do it, it’s weird but it improves in my experience. Because social stuff isn’t natural I have to use lists and reminders for it like I do with everything else. If after doing it a few times you still feel it’s too much, just be honest with them and tell them you’re overwhelmed and can’t engage at the moment. Other ND people will usually respect that ..hopefully! If they don’t then you probably do need to bin it off!

I have the same issues OP. Don’t think of people unless something reminds me or I see them. Rarely miss anyone. Certainly not in the way others seem to. But this has no reflection on how I feel about them. Do you think you can explain this to your friend? Maybe she will feel less hurt by you not initiating contact if she understands it’s not a reflection of how you feel about her?

I could talk to her and explain object permanence again - but she obviously didn’t take it on board last time, and I had explained the guilt I feel about being a shit friend to a mutual other friend.

Im going to have to set reminders aren’t I. And then send out texts to a list of people. I need to get past avoidance and act like a grown up 53 year old ( sigh)

So, what she said was entirely accurate. And it’s totally natural for her to feel how she feels
about that.

You have a tonne of reasons why you can’t maintain relationships in certain ways. So either you want to make changes and support the friendship, or you don’t.

But this is not on her.

I'm not negating her feelings. Of course she can feel anyway she wants about any situation.

But this isn't on me either. I've not changed who I have always been. I also have feelings and I'm exhausted at the end of any day I have to interact with people outside of my immediate family. My dream holiday is to lock myself in and not interact with anyone for a week (and yes I did this over 20 years ago - 2 weeks of bliss, just me and a cat).

I don't think she's all that supportive of me asking for the ADHD assessment - thinks it's a waste of time and what would it mean anyway. I want this because I think medication might help, if it's offered, particularly with my work struggles. And I might remember people exist.

Is it possible you’re overthinking this comment from your friend? If a friend said this to me I think I’d shrug and say “oh yeah sorry I’m a bit like that but please know I really value your friendship, I’m just a bit rubbish at keeping in touch. I really appreciate you checking in though and I’ll always reply when you do.” Then leave it at that.

Neither of you are wrong but maybe you are incompatible as friends.

It’s very very possible I am overthinking as it is one of my specialist skills.

But if something is still bugging me days later it always turns out important and that I’m picking up on something real.

But now I think that I’m wondering if something is bothering her - and not actually me, it’s just manifesting as this. I’ll check in with her.

Good idea to check in with her and maybe you could set a reminder on your phone to check in with her every now and again if you want to really nurture the friendship. I’m a strong believer that good friendships shouldn’t be hard work though. I go months with some of my good friends without seeing them or speaking to them but there is an understanding that we’re busy living our lives and when we do meet up or speak it’s like no time has passed.

Friendship is about reciprocation. The person who won’t or can’t reciprocate and show care is the source of that issue.

However if she isn’t supportive of you in general that’s not something you have to accept. Maybe avoiding her is in part due to this?

OP it seems like you expect all the kindness and understanding to go one way.

Your friend brought up a very valid point, and instead of making an attempt to understand her point of view, you have a long list of reasons why you can't be a good friend.

Surely part of being diagnosed is to learn to manage it better? Your friend has basically said she feels a bit neglected. Perhaps you could put a plan in place to mitigate her very real issue. A weekly coffee, or something else that is regular and planned.

I wouldn’t set an alarm because I’d struggle with the demand that creates.

I’d probably write a list of people I should be thinking about and contacting regularly and pin that somewhere I see regularly. Or even some photos of those people - so that when you see it those people pop into your head and you can sense check with yourself whether you should text them or not. I’d deal much better with something suggestive where I can decide to text them rather than an alarm demanding I do.