What helps to stay well

[Bluesky4567]

Early 40’s, two children, post natal depression which improved with therapy and sertraline, recent stressy period, symptoms returned. SAHM, wanting to get back to work but just not possible right now due to non existent childcare until pre school starts. Husband works long hours, but helps when he can, which means 10-12 hour days for me. No ‘village’ to help out. most things fall to me & burnout/depression has returned. Feel like I’ve lost my identity & my weight is definitely adding to how I feel.
Any tips for managing without a ‘village’? Or what can help to stay well & stop getting burnout/feeling depressed again?

That sounds tough. Always is with young kids. I found my village when the kids started school with the other mums, but that sounds like it’s a while away for you. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? the obvious is talking to you DH about how you’re feeling, he needs to be part of the solution here too- if you are burning out then it’s in no one best interests to let that happen and he is just as responsible for the kids! If there was no barriers what would be your ideal solution? Nothing is impossible if change is needed. can DH work compressed/reduced hours just for a little while?? Can he go reduced hours and let you get back to work part time also to share the load?? Is he also feeling the pressure of being the main earner?

if that’s not an option then can you afford to have a cleaner/help for a few hours a week? Buy ready meals, don’t worry if the washing doesn’t get hung out to dry- just wash it again. Do what you need to do to get by with as least stress as possible. It’s more important that you don’t fall apart if there are solutions within reach- take it easy on yourself.

aside from that you do need to carve some time out for yourself for some TLC- if DH can’t alter work then he can at least look after kids so you can get a couple of nights away somewhere for rest and respite?? Otherwise make sure you do nice things for yourself to remind you that you are important too- buy your fave foods, have a soak in the bath once DH gets home, listen to your fave music, get out for a walk everyday whether you want to or not- don’t over think, just do it. Remember who you are.

I find my mood plummets when my iron and vit D are low so get these checked as common after having babies for ferritin to be low (should be over 80ug/L) - well known to contribute to depression. I also take magnesium at night to help me sleep with less anxiety. Early 40’s could also be perimenopause? Often confused with depression… was for me- hormones are powerful things…

good luck xx

Very tough... how old are the kids? Getting out for walks- even short ones- really helped my mood after coming off sertraline. Not always easy with children in tow though

This single best thing for stress and depression, is exercise. Since you mention weight, maybe that would be a double benefit for you.

Is there anything your partner can do such as compressed hours, work from home or take some time off to support you?

Have you heard of mindfulness? It's a mixture of CBT and meditation you might find helpful. Yoga which you can do online, getting fresh air, good diet, therapy, parent support group.

Thanks for your kindness and understanding.
Yes have a couple of close friends I could talk to, but I don’t tend to really. Feel I actually am isolating myself from people a bit which probably isn’t helping.
Nothing can change with husbands work. He is not feeling the pressure, he loves his job and helps when he can. For example he’s taken the kids out for a few hours today to allow me to rest. This isn’t a regular thing but thinking maybe it could be. I feel guilty though because I know he is tired.
Weve just got a cleaner for a couple of hours week to ease the load on me a bit. Don’t have any help with the kids aside from each other so we could look at finding a trusted babysitter. It’s almost like im so burnt out it’s hard to think of the solutions that will help. All my energy is poured into the children and home.
Thanks for the ideas about walking, music, time out, vitamins, Peri menopause. These are great ideas to think on x

Thank you, glad walking helped you. Sounds like a lot find this useful. Feels like a mountain to climb right now but maybe just got to push through and do it anyway

Would definitely be a benefit on the weight front. Thanks for the idea

No changes to be made in terms of DH work. But he does have some leave, we could plan to use that better.
Thanks for the ideas

Very timely post for me to answer as I'm bipolar and currently experiencing my annual relapse into hypo mania Happens every May. I don't realise until my 3 sons point out constant texts and my excessive spending. I've spent £300 on Vinted basically bought all my favourites at once!
im sat in the dark with music on low which helps.
Avoid overstimulation and sleep whenever possible
My first aid plan
switching to Decaf and herbal tea
Stay in and limit contact with people.
Avoid online shopping
Lorazepam and Zopiclone
Hopefully it will stabilise soon

Walking daily - 30 minutes +
No alcohol.
Hydration.
Sunlight - even just curtains open first thing on a dreary day of weather such as today.
Stay in and limit contact with my inner circle (trusted family and 2 - 3 close friends).
Organising my space.

I had major depressive episodes for decades until I became bipolar at menopause
seek increase/ change in medication urgently
Only do the very necessary tasks. Sod the rest
i know you don't have a village at the moment but try to create one.
Dont be too proud to admit you are struggling. You will be surprised how kind and supportive even relative strangers can be.
Neighbours/ school Mums/ School and Nursery staff themselves
Easy meals like pasta pesto. Let the kids have ready meals, biscuits, crisps for this time. It will balance out
I couldn't tell you what my 3 ate when I was at my worse, but they did.
Bless them they were aware of my near catatonic state and from around 7 they would bring me coffees and ring my CPN if needed. Of course I felt so guilty but as adults they've never resented my illness( I also have Cerebral Palsy) and they would do absolutely anything. Jumping in their cars at 3 am if I needed anything
sending you.my warmest wishes and keeping hold of your hope in case you've lost yours.

I posted my " high plan" to give you ideas for an opposite plan

Exercise. It’s consistently the very best thing I’ve done for my mood. I’m such a fervent believer that I get up at 5am (if necessary) to do it as I am a better, calmer, less ratty mum all day for it. I bloody hate getting up that early but if I don’t exercise then I pay threefold via my mood.

Do you have space for an exercise bike or small treadmill? I can’t bank on being able to get to a gym or even out for a walk with small children so I’ve found having a Peloton bike to be a lifesaver.

Also make sure you get your iron, Vit D and thyroid checked.

Also therapy. I’ve had an awful lot of talking therapy.

Wrt the walks, what i used to do is put one in the pushchair and one on my back, if that's something you think might work for you? Means you can actually walk rather than amble and stress. Stick on a podcast or audio book if they're quiet or sleeping and there's your double dose of goodness.
Stop off at the park for a rest and coffee while they play :) Not going to solve everything but maybe put you in a better mood to plan.

I really feel for you, it's hard and relentless with young kids sometimes. What helps me is nutrition - when I make an effort to minimise junk food/sugar/UPF then mood improves - and also listening to music on earbuds while BF DC2 to sleep makes me feel more like my old self again.

Yes, I'm Bipolar and music literally feeds my soul.

You're very welcome, but I'm also serious about the depression aspect. There have been a number of series studies showing the substantial benefits of exercise in combatting stress and depression. Far more reliable than medication, in fact.
In fact, it's very annoying to me, because I'm lazy and have no interest in exercise.