Husband diagnosed with bipolar, any other spouses out there to talk to?

[IYKYK247]

Hi! Brief bit of background, we’ve been married 11 years with three kids and I love him.

We’d had zero problems with mental health our entire relationship. Our first son was born premature and 4 months later my husband had a very sudden psychotic break (brief mania and psychosis). He came home from a stag do a completely different person. He was hospitalised and I was very scared.

He recovered in weeks and they took him off medication within 6 months. We put it behind us as ‘just one of those things’ and completely moved on.

It was however, always in the back of my mind and I prioritised his sleep and didn’t love it when there was a works do or something similar when there’d be lots of alcohol. He has quite a stressful ‘important’ job.

8 years passed without a single hitch, until early this year (on his birthday) he suddenly stopped sleeping and became manic with psychosis again - he blamed it at the time on a bad meeting at work (not sure how much was the psychosis playing a part here) Getting any kind of help from crisis or nhs was impossible and thankfully we checked him into the priory through his private medical and he recovered again in weeks.

This time though, he left hospital with a diagnosis of bipolar 1 with psychotic features.

he has not engaged at all with his diagnosis, will not accept he has a long term mental health illness and expects everything to go back the way it was before - his medication is very noticeable. He is unmotivated, completely unemotional and apathetic. He hasn’t spoken to any of his friends or network that he interacted with when he was manic (I’m sure it’s embarrassing for him, but I want them to see him on the other side of this episode too). He doesn’t say he’s depressed or suicidal, and the doctors don’t think he is either.

what is so frustrating is, he’s tied so much of his self worth to work - now he’s returned to the same stressful job he is impacted by the same manager / team
members who have all moved on and he has a lot of anxiety about being pushed out or not being seen as ‘good enough’

he is very fortunate that he does not need to work for a company. I have my own business, and can support him and our family. His parents have a family business he can work for and keep himself busy… he continues to put his job first and in my eyes, his health (and sanity) and us as his family second.

I can’t begin to tell you how stressful, scary and heartbreaking seeing him have an episode is. If you’re a spouse - maybe you do! I’m so grateful he’s ‘back’ but this version of him is also not our normal and I’m getting very tired constantly trying to keep everything together, the kids happy and anxious about him, his health and our future.

I don’t really feel like a wife at all, and that’s OK - but I know deep down it won’t be OK for me forever and that itself scares me.

I don’t know what to do :( please tell me if you think I sound unreasonable. It’s only been 4 months.

I just need someone who has experience of this. Literally no-one in my social circle have a clue about this scenario. I don’t think many people know what psychosis is!

any other spouses out there?

I have bipolar disorder type I, so I'm not sure if you want to hear from me as you've been very specific that you want to talk to spouses.

You say he's been very unmotivated and apathetic. That sounds like he's still on the same medication they've used to control the manic episode. As he gets distance and stays stable, he could raise with them that the medication is causing these side effects because there are other meds out there that don't have this effect. Staying on the medication is super important when you have type I, and so they tend to be open these days to changing you onto a different one when the side effects are intolerable (apathy and lack of motivation are side effects) to give people the best chance of staying on their medication.
He needs to accept that this is his life, now. Bipolar UK do support groups in some areas, if he might engage, which might help him have somewhere to talk to people in the same boat. No one wants a bipolar diagnosis, especially type 1, it's one of the worst diagnoses you can get. But there is hope that if he finds the right medication and stays on it, he can get back to his life again.
Alcohol is a real problem though. He needs to stay off that, it can really affect stability. You can't drink on most bipolar meds anyway.

I've supported a lot of partners of bipolar men on here (they are around for sure) and what I've seen is one big problem is that the bipolar person often tries to just go back to life as normal, not make any changes to their life that would keep them stable, etc, and it can be really frustrating for the partner. In order to get a handle on bipolar, the person with bipolar really has to make lifestyle changes and get serious about staying well. The sooner they do that the easier life will be for everyone and if they don't do that, the well partner needs to think seriously about whether they can support them or not. Especially with kids involved.

Oh and yeah, the crisis team are absolutely shocking when it comes to mania, they can't work out what to do about it at all IME. It's good that you got private medical insurance before he got it so it didn't count as a pre-existing condition. I don't know if it would help you, but I have an advanced directive in place now that I am to be treated in hospital not at home with a crisis team if I have another episode, this is to protect my children.

Can I also advise you that it can be a lot harder (nigh on impossible) to get life insurance so take advice before changing to a different provider to ensure he's still covered, that's one that caught us out last year.

Unfortunately, unlike some other conditions, there seems to be naff all support groups etc for spouses of bipolar sufferers. You're just left to get on with it and hold it all together. I've seen the toll that takes on DH when I'm ill and that's my biggest motivator to stay on my meds and take any "blips" seriously, go straight back to the psychiatrist and prevent another episode before it starts. This is still a relationship and support has to go both ways.

If you are interested take a look at Matt Baszucki's story.

Treating Bipolar with Ketogenic Therapy- An Interview with Matt Baszucki

@MiraculousLadybug thank you so much for your input here - I’m totally with you, it’s a really tough diagnosis. He is my ‘other half’ and whilst it’s not my brain, I still feel like it’s mine too.

I’m being very careful not to be negative about the medication because I do believe he needs it long term, if anything it gives me some peace of mind too. So, distance from the most recent episode before med reviews is the right advice.

we’ve got life insurance from way before so that’s covered, but I wonder if I need to look into things like right of attorney or similar - and those advance directives sound helpful. It was a bit worrying when he has access to basically all of our finances and started making bizarre purchases from inside the hospital!!

He’s not drinking now, and in all fairness to him he really does want to be well. He’s in sales in a really ‘lads’ type industry and there’s lots of events / conferences and socialising where drinking is a cornerstone. He’s never had particularly good self control and so I do wonder how long this period of abstinence would last if he stayed in this job.

I know I just need to be more patient.

Sorry I didn't mean to come across like I thought he wasn't trying to get better, reading back what I've written I've maybe been a bit harsh, I've just seen a few people who really struggle to accept the diagnosis or make any changes. It's really positive that he's engaging with support and accepting the diagnosis, that makes probably the biggest difference to outcomes.

Bipolar I has a reputation for being unmanageable and game over for relationships, but for most people (aside from those who are treatment-resistant), if he takes his medication, and he can get a handle on sleep and alcohol, which it sounds like he has, recovery is doable. Unfortunately, there's no "miracle cure" although some people go a long time between episodes (sometimes years) and one symptom of bipolar is reading too much into meaningless coincidences, so they can get confirmation bias.

I've been diagnosed for 10 years now and DH and I have been together for 15. I think the hardest part for him is when he doesn't know whether it's time to intervene or not.

Yeah it's a good idea to not be too negative about the medication. Some medications will make it seem like he's had a personality transplant into someone very flat and disaffected, but a long-term maintenance medication might not have the same effect, so there's a good chance that he'll be back to his usual self with time.

I totally get that about sales - I was in marketing and it was a similar environment, always going to conferences, big PR events etc. I've had to change the scope of how I work but I do still work, I think it's really important.

We didn't manage to get private health insurance until after I was diagnosed but ours is moratorium health reporting so after a waiting period everything is covered, it's really useful to be able to go private, especially with bipolar I, because when an episode comes on things move so quickly and NHS waiting lists just can't keep up with the way it can escalate, which can turn a blip into a crisis.

I think POA can be really useful, it's something I've considered but never got round to.

It's really hard OP. Seeing DH manic and psychotic was appalling, and experiencing this in our family home with our young children was terrible.
Looking back, what do I wish someone had told me after DH's first episode? I think this:
"His priority must be to protect you and your children from harm - harm that a normally lovely man can cause his family during a manic psychotic episode. That means he must stay on mood stabilising medication. If he stops taking it without your knowledge and agreement, and without supervision by his psychiatrist, he can no longer live in the family home. He has the right to choose not to take medication, but not the right to inflict the consequences of that decision on his family."
I think I'd also have challenged him on his internalised stereotypes about what "success" as a man looks like, and his own prejudice about severe mental illness. It is possible to live a full and rewarding life with this condition but I think that only happens if people truly accept their diagnosis.

@PenguinPool I’d be so betrayed if he decided to stop taking his medication.

We used to have evenings sharing a bottle of wine and just chilling out (can’t do much social when there’s 3 children upstairs and babysitters are ££!) and that used to be lovely - I had a glass of wine last night, and he poured himself one too. I immediately felt like I was being chased by a bear, my whole hyper vigilance and genuine fear set in.

Like, I know he’s just trying to go back to normal and one glass of wine isn’t a big deal but to me it was wayyyy too soon to even contemplate one glass of wine being OK.

Then, not freaking out and making a big deal felt like I was performing for the Oscar’s. I have to mind myself and my actions so much, and just be so careful without saying the wrong thing by accident and derailing him.

I agree with you - He was bought up in a very small minded way where men had a stressful job, got paid a lot of money and spent the weekends on the golf course - I don’t think he necessarily subscribed to the same mentality as he certainly wouldn’t have married me!! But I do think when we had children his experience of what ‘a father’ is probably gave him some internal conflict.

But that’s by the by now, I guess. it sounds like you’ve had quite the relationship journey since his first episode??

I’ve been married for nearly 30 years happily ( mostly ) to a spouse who has bipolar - diagnosed about 8 years into our marriage with very young children at home . I recognise the apathy on meds you describe and the lack of sleep is a sign / trigger ? That an episode is imminent. The good news is as he recovers you’ll try different combinations of meds which won’t destroy his personality and creativeness and I’ve found that our love and relationship and his sense of fun far outweighs ( now he’s more stable) the downsides.

@lifeisgoodrightnow thanks for the message too, really good to hear from you.

He’s sleeping well now, always has done - it only stopped abruptly when he had an episode. He didn’t sleep for 8 days straight this time, he looked absolutely awful. I was a zombie by the time I finally got him into hospital. I pulled over into a services and slept for 3 hours when I was on my way back from dropping him off.

The meds he was on practically knocked him out after he took them in the evening, he’s weaning off those slowly.

He’s such a chilled, fun, loving man when he’s stable - it’s the get up and go with the family that I’m really missing.

I’m very protective of his ‘wellness’ (maybe that’s wrong) and I’m struggling to understand why he’d put himself in interactions at work where he’s feeling uncomfortable, anxious or impacting his self-esteem.