I think I’m pregnant. Even though me and my partner are 35 I am terrified!

[Nualarey]

For context: I love my partner very much and want to marry him. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him. However, he hasn’t even moved in with me yet. We haven’t been trying to have a baby as I didn’t feel ready (but he is desperate to have one).
He has the most beautiful mother inside out I am beyond lucky that she will be my Mother-in-law some day. I know I will receive endless support from her as much as she can handle in terms of helping me, supporting me, giving me advice… she is 63 though and already working part time with osteoarthritis and struggling so would never expect her to look after the baby. I don’t ideally want to have to rely on anyone- especially grandparents for any childcare. But this obviously means spending a lot of money which I’m scared I won’t have. The fact she will be positive and supportive throughout the pregnancy and after is enough for me. Equally my partner’s siblings are lovely and I know they would love us to have a baby.

I vape when stressed and drink caffeine every morning and drink wine (about 2-3 glasses 4 x a week). I have a very stressful job (ward sister; it’s bad I know). Before I got this job I barely drank and definitely didn’t depend on caffeine. I know I will have to give these up and have cut down so so much in the past couple of months which has been incredibly difficult. Now I’ve quit cold turkey and I can barely handle it. I started cutting down with the view that within the next couple of years I will have to give up these things anyway… so I am preparing myself as much as I can.
the things that are worrying me:

1. my partner smokes, and so do the rest of his family (they are from a country in the Balkans where smoking is still very common and even still allowed indoors). His siblings smoke in front of their children and so do his parents: they don’t see a problem with it at all. He tells me it is normal in their culture. It doesn’t bother me now, but when I am pregnant it will. He hasn’t even tried to cut down despite me warning him that he will not be allowed to smoke around me when pregnant or around our child AT ALL. Overtime I have mentioned it here and there and the last time I mentioned he said “if I want to smoke I will smoke” 🤦🏻‍♀️ however, he has agreed to do it away from myself and the baby: I guess I can take this as a compromise as long as he sticks to it.
2. i come from a very strict conservative/catholic background. My parents will not approve and will put a massive downer on the pregnancy.
3. i can’t drive. I have failed my practical test 4 times now and am so worried about being isolated on my own with a baby as I live in a different town (I’m in UK). I do see mothers and babies getting on buses etc but my sister has drilled it into me how awful it would be to have a baby with no car and she told me that without her car she would have gone insane (she’s also another one who will put a massive downer on the pregnancy).
4. maternity pay: I do work for the NHS and get a good salary so I think my maternity pay will be decent but I own a house and the outgoings are absolutely massive. My mortgage and bills alone almost swallow up my pay even now. My partner will definitely move in with me if I am pregnant and help as much as he can, but he is currently struggling due to his car, his debt (due to his business going under), and helping his parents from time to time. my partner is a chef and although he is an extremely hard worker (sometimes working 7 days a week) I’m worried we will be stuck financially.

please note: we have been using the pull-out method. I tried various pills that did not agree with me. I might get a lot of hate for this post and the general consensus will be that I have been irresponsible; I get that. But please can anyone offer any advice or share their own experience.
my period is late by 5 days now. I did a test and it was negative, but according to my Flo app I’m likely to be pregnant. I’m honestly hoping I’m not… but my gut is telling me I am.
I have not vaped or drank in 3 days and my anxiety is absolutely through the roof. I had to take a day off sick for the first time in 7 years under mental health grounds because I was so anxious yesterday morning that I started vomiting.
i know it’s hard not to judge me. But please… be kind to me. I’m struggling with this a lot. I’m scared that I will be financially unstable, isolated, and will end up with PPD as I have a history of depression and anxiety (a lot of this comes from childhood trauma/catholic guilt).

You are over reacting, the test was negative. If still no period in a few days then to another, if still negative visit the GP. Then start acting like an adult and use protection! You’ve had a scare and seen you don’t want a baby yet, so do the right thing and use protection. No excuses about pills, there are plenty of options out there.

If you do end up pregnant don’t panic. Many of the things you’ve mentioned will work themselves out. But if you aren’t then you really need to look at your relationship and decide if thinks like smoking are things you can compromise on.

OP, you are a qualified nurse ! Take a deep breath.

Firstly, the test said negative. So wait a few days and redo the test. There is no need to do anything until you actually get a positive result.

Then, if you are pregnant, you have options, you can choose whether or not to keep a child.

There is never an ideal time to have a baby, but most of us manage fine. We adapt finances and jobs. Learn to ignore disapproving families, work out a routine that covers shifts.

But for now, start using some proper protection. And stop worrying. You are a professional woman, a grown up and you'll be fine, with or without a driving licence xx

Thanks x

First of all, start knocking back the folic acid.
Next, assuming you aren't pregnant, and considering you reaction and circumstance it might be for the best right now, get your contraception sorted.

You can keep drinking a cup of tea or coffee in the mornings when you’re pregnant OP. The recommendation is to try to stay under 200mg per day while pregnant. A mug of black tea is usually around 50mg of caffeine, something like a latte with a double shot of espresso in it is probably about 120mg.

That’s good to know, thank you. At least I can switch back to tea 😅 x

I should have mentioned in my original post: I’ve always wanted a family, I do get very broody, and I have strong maternal instincts. I just didn’t want to do it right this second… even 6 months down the line would have been better. And due to being 35 I know getting pregnant might be more difficult so have spent the last year or so trying to get things in order for when the time comes. Thank you to those if you offering advice without the undertone of harshness and judgment. It’s greatly appreciated. I knew some of the replies would be a difficult read. As a nurse/sister I’m so used to giving advice without judgment and am always careful to note that everybody has their own reasons for their actions and their own individual circumstances xx

If you are five days late and the test is negative you're probably not pregnant, a pregnancy test is a lot more reliable than an app!

i guess… but since I stopped all these pills I’ve never been late, ever. Early yes but not late 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m hearing mixed opinions because my colleague seems to think pregnancy tests aren’t that accurate at 5 days late xx but your comment does give me some reassurance x

I also had an unplanned pregnancy at nearly 50, and felt like I was pregnant straightaway. I am very anti abortion so that was not an option, but despite a difficult pregnancy it was worth it in the end and am now blessed with a lovely 8 year old! I did have to grit my teeth but it was so amazing to have a baby at the end and you have alot of positives - great partner with lovely mother and good job so it will all work out if you are pregnant. x

What would you advise a patient coming to you in this scenario OP?
Have you used an early FRER test with the 1st wee of the day?

I agree with starting folic acid asap. If your BMI is higher than 30, you should be on a 5mg dose- which can be prescribed or bought online. Not the regular 400mcg OTC dose.

Stress can also cause late periods, as I'm sure you know.

If you aren't pregnant, I'd advise going to a family planning clinic. I found they have FAR more advise and options for contraception than my GP. They were more thorough in finding something that worked for us, and not just wanting to prescribe microgynon! They can often be attached to sexual health clinics, so you might need to call to ask if/when they have contraception clinics. You can also get free condoms if nothing else!

When you say the pills didn't agree with you- what does that mean? After years of pills, I ended up getting the nuvaring, which sits against the cervix. You only need to replace it monthly, you don't know its there and I was told its a lower dose of hormones because its closer to the ovaries/uterus. I was working night shifts and it was safer than missing pills. Contraception can be trial and error, and what worked for me may not be suitable for you. I'd strongly advise speaking to someone about options though.

Worrying that your NHS colleague thinks that! It’s not true of course

I think she was probably just drawing upon her own experience (newly qualified RN).. we don’t work in gynaecology x

At 5 days late you would get a strong positive. Periods can be delayed for many other reasons such as stress, hormone issues etc etc.
Do another test tomorrow and don't worry until you see a definite positive.

To add that your colleague is completely wrong regarding tests not working after 5 days!
In some cases, much later in pregnancy you can get the hook effect. Here is a link to what it means
www.clearblue.com/am-i-pregnant/what-is-hook-effect-in-pregnancy-test-result

It’s just poor advice to give is all, many nurses no better. The information is available on the pregnancy test pack, and also some on the NHS website about the accuracy of tests. Hopefully you are feeling more reassured that you are unlikely to be pregnant. You said yourself you are incredibly stressed and it has an impact on all sorts

How did you go OP? Did you test again this morning?

Wow that must be a rarity… in my family, the menopause tends to start around 43(ish)… I’m so happy for you; sounds like it worked out well! Thank you for the positivity xx

Yeh it’s definitely a wake up call. I guess I am in a better position than some people who still manage. My sister started trying at my age and after 4 years of trying and trying she was on the cusp of starting IVF process when she randomly fell pregnant. So I am split to be honest.. my mind is so up and down. I see a baby and get broody and all the worries disappear and I want to have a baby now! With the additional expectation that I might need to start trying sooner rather than later. Then the next thing I know I’m panicking as I don’t feel ready at all 🤯

I’m going to test again tomorrow morning. I figured I should wait a couple more days - I have 2 tests left. Obviously I can buy more but I feel that with not even the faintest of a second line I should wait a couple more days before re-testing. Wish me luck! 😬🙏

Well I was 7 days late before I got a bfp so you could well be pregnant! It sounds like you want a baby really, I have two children and I don't drive so don't let that worry you

Did you test again OP?