I need help with my mother

[Madlax]

My mother is driving me insane, and has been doing so all my life. Here is the most recent example from today.

She likes to setup my day for me around what she wants done, first thing in the morning, while I'm still groggy, tired, and haven't even had breakfast yet. For example, today she told me to vacuum the stairs right away because a friend of mine was coming over to visit me. She wanted me to vacuum before I even had a chance to gather my thoughts for the day. I am not a morning person and she knows this very well. Meanwhile I asked her once or twice this week to clean up the pads after her dog, and it's been 4 days and she still hadn't done it. The fact that my friend is coming over doesn't motivate her to do it either. So, dusty stairs are bad, but a pad with a pee stain on it is ok. She finally cleaned it up after I argued with her about it.

We have had fights over this a thousand times. She doesn't understand the concept of "let me wake up please and gather myself before you tell me what you think needs to be done". She asked me why I couldn't just do it, or say that I'll do it after breakfast. I told her "I need to gather myself first before I think about doing anything, you need to give me time", and she couldn't understand the concept at all. To her it made no sense and she said that I'm not normal. Of course if I tell her something while she's groggy in the evening, she wants to hear none of it and just walks off or tells me to go away.

She told me to do various random things throughout the week, and I did all of them without any problems, but she said them later in the day. I do things on my own too, without needing her to boss me around, btw.

When I bring up this sore point, she sarcastically tells me "oh poor you, you're so oppressed". She has done this my whole life.

What is wrong with her??

Erm, find your own place to live?

How old are you?

How old are you? Are you lying in each morning and she’s been up for hours? Are you at work or school? What chores do you do? Are you paying board??

She asked me why I couldn't just do it, or say that I'll do it after breakfast. I told her "I need to gather myself first before I think about doing anything, you need to give me time"

Just say you'll do it once you've eaten breakfast or had a coffee.

I work nights, so I don't do mornings. Same way she doesn't do nights and doesn't want to hear anything in the evening about what needs to be done. We have conflicting sleep schedules, and while I respect that and manage things around it, she doesn't.

The other conflict is you can understand her but she can’t reciprocate. She isn’t going to change so what will you do?

So you’re a working adult and she’s been driving you mad most of your life? Why on earth haven’t you moved out?

Clearly you need to move out

High cost of living around my area, plus other issues.

Can you try tuning her out? Wear some headphones. Write on a piece of paper “Everything you want doing will be done, as it always has been. Just not before breakfast “. And stick it on the wall in front of the loo.

So, is she mentally not fully there, or what? Why doesn't she understand direct language? It doesn't matter how I approach it, plainly or harshly, the outcome is always the same. I don't know what her mental issue is.

Has she always been this way and you’re just noticing it more now..or is she getting worse?

She has always been this way, as far back as I can remember. She likes to tell me that I don't do anything around the house, and she highlights only the negative things. All the things she asked me to do this week, I did without question, and yet today all of that didn't matter, and she said that I "always say no". This is the only "no" I've said this week, but the other times I carried out my tasks don't matter. It's like she's salivating to hear a "no" so that she can have her self-pity party.

So she’s always been this way and you’re noticing it more, or finding it intolerable. Are you feeling a bit trapped and wish you could move?

You’re an adult. Find a way round that. Move area? Get a house share? Get a second job?
I would love to hear her side of this.

Bring your mother on OP. You’re not allowed to come on here to have a vent or ask for help.

I am trapped in hell. I would rather spend a year in the actual hell, if it meant I could have a normal life afterwards.

I'd love to move, it's my ultimate dream, but the cost of living in my region is insane. I also have other issues I'm dealing with, that I can't put to rest. I'm locked in a psychological prison and I need time to lower down my guard so that I can think my way out of this. I grew up in a permanently defensive mode, and I just stayed that way, always on guard. Both parents contributed to this. They put a lot of effort into being the way they were. When I look back at it now, their efforts to undermine me were a work of sadistic art. Every dagger they threw at me was somehow precisely timed and calculated for maximum damage. It's actually quite weird and peculiar.

My mother wouldn't come here, she hates interacting with people in general, even her own friends half the time.

Would you consider moving out of the area, to somewhere cheaper? I can empathise with you regarding your parents, it’s absolutely shit. Yes, you do need breathing space to come to terms with everything and start building yourself back up. Sorry, it’s tough.

I was being sarcastic to the other poster. It wasn’t meant to be taken seriously.

Whatever your issues are will likely be better once you move out. A new job and a new area if necessary.

@Slatterndisgrace Wow, you have no idea how nice it was to read what you wrote. Thanks, I needed that, you just made my day. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I've heard someone say something like that to me, in my entire life.

We can all use some empathy now and again, right?

Stay strong and try to find a way to start somewhere fresh.