Hey again, I wanted to post again as to build up on the other day's post and because I think I've made it much worse. I didn't end up going to hers and she was upset for a few hours. She was even about to break up with me but then changed her mind. Yesterday she said she wanted to come to my house today, in an hour or so.
I would like to thank everyone who helped on my last post, and to update, I got medication and I felt a little better at the end of the day.
However, just before I went to sleep the same thing happened with me getting off to porn, literally that same night. I felt like I betrayed her again because we'd literally agreed I wouldn't do it again. I did acknowledge that this was completely normal though and somewhat of a struggle for me, so I was feeling a little better during the next morning, but it got much worse in the evening.
The day was going fine, but just before midnight, me and a couple of friends went clubbing. We've been before with the same group and this was our 2nd time this year, but at a different club. It was mainly me, 2 guy friends and a female friend. There was also another female friend when we got there, but she left before us as she was with another group of friends too. Me and my girlfriend have both been clubbing a few times separately, with our own friends, so she was fine with it and I'm also not worried whenever she goes, apart from for her safety.
However, throughout different points of the night, the female friend was quite touchy with me. She'd kind of grab my arm, and it happened multiple times, whether it was to talk to me or to show me something, I don't exactly remember but she was more touchy than usual the whole day even. She was saying normal things while doing it and not verbally flirting, but it was still contact. For most of the time at the club we were dancing to the music in a group/circle, and I wasn't exactly thinking about her but whenever she did touch me, I kind of just allowed it and maybe even enjoyed it, which is why I feel so guilty. When she did it it's like I didn't mind and liked it. I didn't do much in response or ask her about it, just moved on with what we were doing. I feel bad because I could've said something or moved away but I didn't.
At one point before we had to leave, the 4 of us wanted to move to a different spot. I told the 2 guys to go first because I didn't feel comfortable with pushing through the crowd out of fear I'd accidentally touch/brush against someone and then my OCD would flare up, as it has these past few months. So the 2 guys went before, then it was me and the female friend followed. However, she then grabbed my wrist, or just above, somewhere on my forearm. I believe it was just to keep track of where we were going so she could follow and not get lost in the people around us since it was quite the crowd. I was initially surprised because I didn't expect her to hold onto my arm, but again on the inside, I enjoyed the contact.
I don't know if it can be intrusive thoughts but the feelings felt pretty real. I just kept moving forward though and didn't say anything again. Just before we got to the end I was even getting thoughts about holding hands with her and I'm really worried that I moved my arm up so our hands could touch or something. I don't think I did and I ignored the thoughts in the moment, but with this whole OCD and anxiety around sex/touch, now I'm even worried that it might have been a crime had I actually tried moving my arm up. I tend to always forget and think what if this what if that, and accept the worst case scenario where I did act upon the thoughts. Again I don't think I did and I hope I ignored the thoughts, but I don't want to deny it incase I'm lying to myself, so I keep it as a possibility.
Anyway, after that we went to buy drinks (we all got water, we didn't drink at all yesterday) and I got an energy drink too. We found a spot to relax and talk in a corner outside, and she was next to me but I didn't do anything like touch or get close. I was pinned up against the corner though, so there wasn't much space to move and I just stayed still and talked, until we moved back in shortly after.
We then went home, and ever since I got home I've just felt so guilty. I shouldn't have gone clubbing at all and I'm an asshole of a boyfriend. The friend knows I have a girlfriend and hasn't ever been like this before, but I feel like I cheated by allowing her hold my arm and not saying anything and even enjoying it on the inside. Yes I didn't kiss nor have sex nor flirt with her or anyone else, but I think she was probably thinking about it after the touching too and might have been subtle flirting between the two of us. I'm not sure. Today of course I regret it and wish I didn't even go, because there were tons of girls there too and I was looking at times and I just feel horrible. I didn't talk to anyone or flirt or anything like that, it was just the touching and me letting it happen and even liking it. I really need a therapist.
My girlfriend is supposed to be coming over in literally an hour or so and again I'm super terrified. I fucked up so bad, I know it and you can grill me.
I asked if it's fine to not have sex today and she said of course, but I know for a fact we'll be at least cuddling or touching, and I'm scared that this will be a crime, because (same concept like last time) if she knew what happened at the club she definitely wouldn't want to touch or have sex or do anything with me, so I feel like if we do it and I don't tell her it could be sa or something, since she wouldn't have consented if she knew what happened.
It's the same as the other day but this time it's not non-issues like me venting to people, but borderline cheating. I don't think I can do anything with her today because I know if I do cuddle/touch with her I'll overthink that it's a crime since she doesn't know what happened.
I'm sorry if this changes your previous view of me. I don't think I'm this nice guy that should give himself a break or relax, yes I have OCD but I basically cheated on her, at least emotionally. I really shouldn't have gone to that club. I feel so bad, I should have at least told the friend to just hold onto my jumper or shoulder or something, not allow her to grab my arm 5 times in one day.
I think I have to break up with her for her sake, but it's too late to call off her coming to my house today. Would I go to jail if we do stuff today and I don't tell her?