What’s worked for you to improve your anger issues??

[TheEveningSun]

I’ve been struggling with keeping my anger under control when it comes to my small children (3&5) yo. Most days I’m ok, some days it costs me a lot of effort to stay calm and not shout/snap at my kids. I recognise that sometimes it’s hormonal sometimes a bad night but really there’s no excuse.
I am aware/ashamed of it, I work on myself and keep promising that was the last time and then it happens again. I don’t want to be like that, my mum had a short fuse and it was horrible so obviously I’m desperately trying to do things better, I just keep failing. Why do I struggle so much to stay calm and nice for them? They’re the most amazing creatures in the world!
I’ve been considering a therapy, just struggling to find time. My partner says I’m only a human and it’s normal that I’d snap sometimes and as long as I’m aware and keep working on myslef that’s the main thing. I just feel it’s not enough and I worry I’ll damage my relationship with my children and of course they deserve a better mother.
Do you have any advice what’s worked for you? Therapy? Medication? Anger management therapy? Just don’t tell me to count to 10 because if I was capable of doing it I wouldn’t have a problem. I’ve really reached the lowest point.

Yoga. Honestly. I do it 5 days per week and am much much calmer as a result, I can feel when I haven’t done it. Something to do with the peace and calmness of it all and the ability to quiet your mind for a little while, it really helps.

Therapy. It takes a while but it’s so worth it.

Aripiprazole to treat my bipolar disorder. Not saying that's what you have as there would be all sorts of diagnosable symptoms, not just being angry sometimes, but it has helped me a lot. I do think finding the right medication is a positive thing though.

I was horrendous until I reached menopause and suddenly I'm calm and I'm able to let the small stuff go. I really am like a different person. Sure I get annoyed or frustrated but the rage has gone.

Speak to your GP regarding your hormones, if you are on the pill you might need a different one.

My medication (bupropion, a mild antidepressant and mood stabilizer) helped some. It makes me feel less tired and hopeless, and so what otherwise might be a trigger for my anger, isn’t as much.

The most helpful thing for me has been keeping a running list of my triggers, and writing them down. I felt like my anger would “come out of nowhere” and that I didn’t have time to regulate before I reacted to it, but it doesn’t come from nowhere, and there are warning signs if you pay close attention (not always the easiest thing to do when caring for children!)

I also try to avoid triggering situations where I can. For example, traveling messes are a big one for me (like if the dogs have an accident on the floor and then my DD steps in it and walks all over the house, or if she’s eating something sticky and walking around touching things… drives me batshit!), so I might do things like quarantine messes so they can’t be walked through, have her sit down while eating sticky foods, put down extra safeguards against staining/messes like tarps, towels, paper, etc. when doing messy crafts… Things like that. Or, if I feel like my life has just become a unending struggle of trying to cajole DD into her car seat time after time, I might make up a game that makes her get into it as fast as she can.

In general, getting enough sleep helps a lot too.

Yoga! It is a panacea for everything in my book.
I practise at least 3 times a week. It has changed my outlook on life, the way I interact with others (including my children!) the way I respond to the life challenges.
In addition to yoga, practising pranayama (breathing exercises) is another beautiful way to become more loving, more grounded, more forgiving, and far calmer.
Yoga has changed my life - I wish I had started it much younger!

Identifying your triggers with a therapist and then working on strategies to cope/react better.

I'm in a similar situation OP. I just can't seem to stop snapping and then I hate myself afterwards and even during it, yet it happens again. I've become the kind of mum I never wanted to be. Hoping to also get some useful advice.

Any particular kind of yoga?

Any really - whatever works for you: Hatha, Vinyasa (Flow), Bikram, Ashtanga..
As long as breath is connected with the movement , it’s all good.

I’d love to find time for yoga, I already do weights 3 times per week and cardio twice.

I might be perimenopause but as I’m on the pill it’s hard to tell. I do think the problem is deeper than that. I’ve always been an easily wound up person but since I’m older or had kids it’s became a problem

How did you come to the conclusion of needing the meds? Is it through a therapy or GP?
yes the sleep definitely helps but like today I had enough sleep but woke up with a headache and still feel tired so I know already it will be so hard for me to mange my behaviour.
I just wonder very often why I’m not naturally a calm and kind person why it costs me so much effort, is it my dna? Is it my upbringing? I am ND but not sure if it has anything to do with it. I just would love to be naturally calm and respond with calmness when a situation happens,

Trauma therapy. I hadn’t realised the two (trauma and my anger) were connected. The big shift was doing visualisation techniques - focussing on where the anger in my body was/colour/shape etc and then changing all of those up and moving it out of me. I was a different person that day forward.
I had a traumatic birth resulting in DC having a disability so had daily reminders of it. I was a shit mother before and snapped at everything.
I hope you find the answer for you 💐

This was me and I had hypnotherapy and it worked. It rewires your brain and now I am able to regulate/take a deep breath when I feel myself getting annoyed or angry whereas before I just exploded. Of course I do occasionally shout and snap, I’m human 😊 but it’s so much less as before it was all the time and about everything. Would highly recommend it so might be something to look into. Good luck and you can change your behaviour with the right help 🩷

I know a few people who take ashwaganda and say it just takes the edge off. My husband swore by it. Doesn't stop you getting angry but I think maybe keeps a bit of a cap on the snappy feeling. I've never tried it.

I was always one for time to myself, mostly to exercise. Weight training has always been my preferred exercise but for stress, anger, anxiety something high intensity like running or body pump always worked better and far easier to squeeze in a quick run at short notice when you need it.

That being said, I've also had therapy (for anxiety, not anger) which is helpful but does take time and a bit of work to feel the benefit so maybe not a short term solution. In the short term, something I did learn in therapy was perhaps just stepping away for a minute and saying something to myself like "this [anger, anxiety, upset] isn't helpful right now", taking a minute to breathe then go back to whatever chaos was happening. It might sound silly but taking a pause kind of snaps you out of it. Coming in handy with the terrible twos and tantrums at the moment.

I was seeing a therapist and going on and on about how I have so much on my plate and I felt overwhelmed and too exhausted to do any of it, and how my emotions were all over the place, and she was like, “Honey, you need meds. They’ll help.”

For some people, calmness just takes a lot of work. People are all different, with different DNA, upbringings, circumstances, triggers and stressors. It gets easier with time and practice.