I’m an emotional wreck

[Newgolddream70]

I am not sure what’s wrong with me but my emotions are so up and down. I’m 54 and already on HRT so I don’t think it’s just down to hormones.

It all started just before the second covid lockdown. My Mum had to go into a care home quite suddenly. She had Alzheimer’s which progressed so rapidly it was unsafe for her to be at home (another long story) - she was only 73. To get her there, I had to tell her she was going to a hotel for a couple of weeks for a rest and we would see her soon. It was heartbreaking. Little did we know we would never see her again. Second lockdown hit, we couldn’t visit and she just went downhill. She died 6 months later. I think I am still traumatised from it all to be honest.

I am a single Mum to DS10. When he goes to his Dad’s I feel bereft! I get upset when he’s not here as I miss him so much. I have nightmares about him falling off a cliff or down a well! I have no idea what that’s all about.

I visit my Dad and that feels a strain sometimes. I was meant to go today but got muddled with the days because of the bank holiday. I called him and he said ‘oh I thought you were coming round’ and it made me feel awful. I constantly feel guilty about everything.

My three close girlfriends now have partners and I hardly hear from them and I feel I have to make the effort all the time to make arrangements. They take ages to respond or just forget.

I do have other friends and colleagues and I try and get out for long walks and exercise. I take vitamin D. I hardly drink alcohol as that makes me feel worse. I guess I feel alone but the thought of having a man in my life doesn’t appeal as I’m so used to my own company and space (and I’ve done the whole online thing several times).

Money is a bit tight at the moment so I can’t go to concerts and have meals out etc (the things I enjoy!) but luckily that is about to change and I should be financially better off in a few months.

I know that any change needs to come from within but I don’t know where to start. I just feel really sad most of the time. I did take antidepressants for a year or so after losing my Mum but they made me feel numb. Maybe I need to try a different one? All I know is I can’t go on like this.

Aware my post isn’t perfectly written but hope you get the gist and if anyone can suggest anything or even just empathise, that would be lovely.

You have my sympathies op. The shock of loosing your mum during a time where it was actually illegal to visit in some areas is of course traumatising. Is there a mental health nurse within your GP practice you could make an appointment with? I think your doing all the right things to keep yourself busy, try to seek joy in the little things, treat yourself to things within your budget - a special cake from a bakery before/after a walk. Sorry my advice is so poor, I hope you find your feet in finding some joy and happiness in life again soon.

You've got a lot going on - no wonder you're up and down. If you were to rub a genie's lamp and get three wishes to change things within your control (so no winning lottery numbers, sadly) what would you choose?

That’s a good question @Eyesopenwideawake because the first things that come to mind are definitely out of my control/not possible. Maybe you’ve hit the nail
on the head - I’m focussing too much on stuff I can’t change. I’ll need to ponder on that one.

@Mumofsoontobe3 your advice isn’t poor at all! Thank you for responding :-)

You sound like me OP. Well done for writing it all down. Often the first step to better things. I'm coming out the other side now. I'm on a low dose antidepressant and it keeps me ticking over, not numb. Go back to your GP.
I'm also a single Mum. Did OLD, had a great time but nothing lasting. The thought of it now sends shivers down my spine, lol. Yes it gets lonely, friends all partnered up, both parents died in last few yrs. Divorce, moved house twice. It all adds up.
As well as going back to Drs, get yourself a journal to write all your thoughts and feelings down - it really helps. I've kept one going for a few yrs now and not only is it therapeutic, looking back, you can see small changes, more positives and then loads of gaps, which means you are on the mend.
Hope that helps. x

Thank you @TheSilentSister. I know what you mean about the dating sending shivers down your spine! I had thought about journaling but was worried someone might see it and think I was crazy! Hence keeping it all locked up in my head.

The reality is that there's very little we can directly control - but it is possible to change the way we think about those things.