I've name changed as don't want it linked to my other posts but been here a while.
I think I'm struggling with my mental health. It's hard to know because I have physical conditions and mood swings and depressive episodes seem to be part and parcel of auto immunity and chronic inflammation.
I don't take antidepressants because they make many symptoms worse. Or at least Citalopram does. I'm taking herbal stuff but no change.
Anyway I wondered if anyone can relate to this.
In a depressive episode I take comfort in reading about people who have taken their own lives. Last night it was Sylvia Plath. I also read about people who have died young.
I don't have any plans to end mine but I've never felt particularly engaged with life since I was 16. Now in my 40s. But when I'm really unhappy I obsessively seek out stories of people ending it. It's normally accompanied by a lot of crying and feeling a total failure.
I can't tell anyone this and no one would ever know.
I've had lots of counselling in the past and had reached a good place overall but to be honest my physical health is fucked and I think it's fucking my mental health even more.
I don't know why I'm posting, I just can't tell anyone this. Last night I couldn't stop sobbing. I can't cope with these episodes. I feel like my life is spiralling down.