Worried I've been in therapy too long

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I’ve been having counselling / therapy weekly for 18 months now after having had shorter stints a few times in my life previously. I knew that this time I might need longer but thought maybe about a year or so. However, as we work and I develop more trust and safety with my therapist, more has unravelled and I feel like I still have lots to work through. There are definitely attachment wounds at the core of things and lots of other family issues and many other things that I struggle with that I feel probably relate back to these issues. My therapist is lovely but it’s only now that I’m finally feeling like I can share some of the things that previously I’d feel far too much shame to share.

I have this thought that I need to stop at 2 years as that’s far too long and he’ll be wanting to wind down the frequency and for me to finish. He hasn’t mentioned anything about time frames for about 6 months (when we last reviewed goals) but I keep worrying and panicking a bit as I don’t feel ready to think about finishing as I feel that now I’m finally feeling more comfortable with him, there’s lots of work to do. I know people do have longer time frames but I think I’m worried about being a burden or ‘problematic’ if I’m taking longer. The more time that passes, the more I worry I need to finish and worry that I might be with him longer than his other clients. I know he told me he saw one therapist himself for 4 years so I know that it happens! I’m also scared of the attachment and how hard it’ll be to finally end things but that’s not the reason for keeping going!

It sounds like you still finding the therapy helpful and have stuff you would like to work through. I’ve been seeing mine for over 3 years and we’ve never discussed time frames for it to end. The frequency now is every 6 weeks but it was originally weekly. But we do discuss things going on in my life now and how to deal with them probably more than past stuff, although it’s all linked so often go back to the past stuff. If you’ve still got a use for it then there’s no need to stop it.

Hi OP, I was in therapy once for four years. It is totally normal, especially if your therapist’s approach is psychoanalytic.

I would share your worries with him. The fact that you are concerned he would want you to stop is probably part of the work you need to do together…. For example, it is maybe reflecting your fears generally in life about not being wanted, or being a burden on your parents/ others you care about. being willing to take the time you need and want may well be part of getting over those fears. in reality, it’s highly unlikely your therapist is impatient for you to leave if you are still exploring and growing and sharing new things - ie doing the work! Those patients are highly rewarding to work with and therapists care about their patients and being part of these meaningful journeys. Steady income, while not normally the primary motivator, also tends to be a good, not bad thing!

It sounds like you are working hard and still gaining a lot and have much you want to explore, so assuming you can afford it, I would definitely keep going. What it’s worth looking out for, is if you start to feel one or both of you are ‘coasting’…. Kind of gliding along, not talking about the really deep stuff, just comfortably filling him in About your week etc….but it doesn’t sound like you are there. Some people continue even then…. Kind of like a weekly emotional massage, afraid to deal with the upset of parting. And again, if you can afford to, there are worse things! But as I say, doesn’t sound like you are anywhere near that point.

finally, you mention the fear of forming a deep connection with your therapist. You may well be at the point as you trust and open up more, of becoming very deeply attached in a way that feels very loving. Maybe even romantic. This can indeed be scary, and will likely connect again to your attachment issues/ fears. This is a natural part of therapy. The fears are valid, and for sure you need to know that your therapist is fully trustworthy and skilled, has your best interests at heart and is able to maintain the right boundaries…often working through your caring and your fears can be part of the treatment. If you are doing deep psychoanalytic work it can be very, very powerful and connecting. It can be beautiful, but like with any relationship in life, it has boundaries and limits. If you can use the attachment you feel with your therapist to understand your attachment style and grow, while staying clear on the boundaries and limits of the relationship, it can be part of the very rewarding deep work you do together. After a good and long therapy, it is indeed very hard to leave, but you will have learned that loss is a natural part of life, and you will leave with the resilience and learnings you have gained, hopefully also with a peaceful and confident sense of knowing you are valued and cared about, even beyond the period of your treatment.

it takes great courage to do this deep work, so well done!

There is no prescribed time frame for therapy. It is individual, and there are too many variables to even try and find ranges. It is about you, your history, your issues, your personality, your ability to communicate and problem-solve, synthesize advice and act, and whether you must "talk it out" for a period of time before acting to resolve, or whether medication needs to be a part of the situation, whether you have supportive family and friends, and what your home life, health and job situation is. And I have not even gotten to the point of asking whether the therapist still "fits"?

Sometimes, no matter how well the therapist fits with you, it just takes time to work through issues. Sometimes, a therapist is a good fit for part of the mental health journey, but for whatever reason ceases to be a good fit, whether that is their own professional limitations or lack of experience, or whether how they can help has just run its course, and it is time to find someone new. You want to make sure of this because you will have to invest a lot in your backstory with someone new, but there are times that it is beneficial to move on. Be careful when evaluating this and keep in mind that everyone, even the best therapists, have bad days or ineffectual sessions. It's only if you see a consistent pattern.

And finally, be kind to yourself. You do not want to cut off help prematurely because of some arbitrary "pressure" on yourself to already be "cured," and then lose the momentum and have to repeat this type of therapy years later because you ended it too soon.

Thank you so much all of you for these really thoughtful replies. I've just re read them and they help so much. Really appreciate it. There's definitely something behind my fear and stress about taking too long and needing to end it, going back to childhood I'm sure.

I've done weekly therapy for 5 years. We'll be done when we're done. These issues didn't manifest overnight.

It takes as long as it takes. It was 3.5 years for me.

Thanks, this is all reassuring !

I've been in weekly therapy for over 5 years and still live in fear that one day she'll say that's enough! I used to be petrified she'd leave to have a baby, I felt immense relief when she told me she turned 40 as I felt that stopped that worry for me (ridiculous I know).

But I also know my attachment to her is basically symbolic of the whole reason I'm in therapy! Attachment and rejection issues.

I am a psychotherapist. My longest patient has been seeing me for six years. For about half of that, I saw her twice a week...

My own, analysis was just over 8 years, most of which I went Monday-Thursday.

As long as you're still growing, there's no 'too long'.

Thank you so much for these responses. It really reassures me. I think I'll try and bring up my worries at some point, worried I'm a burden and he'll want to get rid of me! At the start I thought it would be a year tops but I had no idea the amount of trauma I've had and didn't have a clue about having attachment issues.