I don’t know where else to go really, I need to write it and get perspective. Aside from an ongoing issue I’ve had all my life (ED), I’ve never had any kind of depression or psychosis or anything I’d consider seeking help for. After my first child was born I didn’t notice but my husband had a feeling I may have PND. I was an outpatient at a woman’s MH unit and eventually diagnosed with bipolar and I’ve been taking lithium ever since. I’m extremely high functioning and I have to be very obviously in need of support for anyone around me to notice, which has never happened, I’ve always caught it myself before getting out of control.
It’s hard for me to know what’s “normal” when it comes to anxiety, intrusive thoughts etc. but I think I may be at a point where I need some extra help.
Again, I’m high functioning, family and friends are used to me being talkative and energetic so if I’m getting manic it’s not obvious. If I get low I tend to stay home and focus in on taking care of my family. I take my meds religiously and I have 6 monthly meetings with a psychiatrist.
We moved into a new flat recently after 15 years in the same one. And since then I’ve noticed that I’m not feeling “right”. I wake up at night in a blind panic that I need to go “home” - not connecting with or understanding where I am - I try to reason with myself and calm down but it gets overwhelming and I feel like I’m going crazy because I HAVE to go back to my old home but I CAN’T because I don’t live there now.
I am obviously hiding it because I’m protective of my children and so I manage to get over myself by morning. But I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to control my inner voice and I don’t know if it’s normal anxiety and insecurity from such a big change, or if I’m losing my mind.
It doesn’t help that H is a nightmare and I’m constantly having to focus on his needs and take care of the kids and work and everything else. I’m going through the motions but something doesn’t feel right - I’m genuinely worried that I need to be in a unit, or need some extra professional support but I can’t seem to put my finger on why I don’t feel right.
It’s like a very high state of fear or anxiety. A sense of impending doom and my own mortality. I feel like a boat lost in the middle of the sea, no idea which direction to go or how to get there. I can’t feel anything but this weird fear.. it’s overtaken my personality and my thoughts etc.
What do I do? I’m not a danger to myself because I have children and would never do anything to cause them trauma, but I’m extremely concerned that if I continue like this, I might become ill and won’t have a choice.
Any advice would really help. Thank you.