Anyone else’s family given up on them?

[Roxietrees]

Talking about my birth family. I have suffered from depression on and off for decades but in the last few years a number of horrible things have happened that have plunged me into the deepest depths of despair- ex partner and father of my children became abusive then left me, I lost my job, and now ex is taking me to court to try and take my kids away from me. I’m a single parent and my children are everything to me. I’m a good mother but I’m terrified ex will win as he can prove I’ve had pretty bad MH problems in the past. My mum, dad, brother, and close friends were supportive for the first couple of years but by MH got so bad 3 yrs ago that 4 of my closest friends abandoned me. Now I think my family are truly sick of me too. I don’t think it’s my fault that these horrible things keep happening to me, causing me deep sadness and despair. I feel like ex taking me to court is the last straw for them. They seem so sick of me having problems in my life that they’ve started to distance themselves. Tbf when things are tough I don’t tend to contact them or anyone, but, knowing what I’m going through should it really be on me to contact them? They don’t bother phoning and barely text anymore. I feel so unbelievably alone and reluctant to mention anything about the court case when I do speak to them cos I think they’re just so over being supportive. Same with the friends who have stuck around. I imagine they all dread it when they look at their phones and see it’s me calling. They’re my FAMILY though. If anyone should be there when things get this bad it should be them IMO. I just feel hopeless and incredibly alone. Feel like they think I’m beyond repair and have given up. If it wasn’t for my kids I’d have zero reason to be here. Starting to think if my ex gets what he wants then there really is no reason to be here anymore

Without knowing what those problems are, it's very hard to judge.

I have given up on my SIL after years of explosive episodes where she would detonate like a grenade and try to destroy people's lives. She is very unstable and has put her son in danger several times. His Dad has full custody now and I have contacted social services myself to ensure he keeps it.

She also has a tendency to get into crises and lean very heavily on others, at one point I was spending 3-4 hours a day on the phone dealing with her screaming and panicking, then blaming me for not responding the way that I should do and telling me I needed to do more research into her conditions.

I'm not a mental health professional and I have a full time job and a family. She seemed to think she should be my only priority.

Well I’m nothing like your SIL. It’s understandable you cut contact, I don’t think many people would be able to deal with that. I have suffered from depression - the worst I have done is not replied to messages or answered phone calls other than a quick message to say I’m ok. I’ve never got angry with family members or friends or leant on them too much. The opposite in fact. One of the friends that abandoned me I never even told what was going on. She just heard from another friend and would (kindly) show up at my house offering support. We’d usually just quietly watch a film together. However when my ex told her I was abusing HIM (I told him once about my mental health and he told my friends I was using it to manipulate him) - I wasn’t. The friend heard about this and decided to cut contact. No one believes he abused me cos he’s “such a nice guy” 🙄

There's a lot of supposition, imagining and 'seeming' in your post, and not a lot of facts. You say they don’t bother phoning and barely text anymore - could that be because you are all consumed with your worries and that nothing they say makes a difference? When you do have conversations do you make an effort to ask about their lives and problems? Or even try your hardest just to have a good time?

It might be better to just discuss the court case with the professionals - your case worker and solicitor in the main - and try to keep more of a balance when talking to your family and the friends who have stuck around.

You should also talk to your doctor about options to get your mental health back on track. Don't forget the Samaritans are available day and night 116 123.

Yes I ask about their lives. It’s not about “nothing they say makes a difference”. I don’t even talk to them in detail about what’s going on and I mask constantly. But there’s only so much pretending to be happy you can do as a victim of an abuse in fear of losing your children. I would never want any of them to pretend to be fine if something like that was going on for them. I’d want to find a way to support them. Encouraging someone to mask symptoms of severe mental pain isn’t great advice on a mental health thread btw.

It’d just be nice if they phoned once in a while to check in like they used to do when I didn’t have such a shitty life situation. The point is I feel they have actively distanced themselves because one shitty thing after another has happened to me. That’s a fact. Maybe they feel like they don’t know what to say. I don’t know, but it makes me feel worthless, if you’re own family give up on you that’s probably a sign that you are beyond repair

Anyone who knows anything about mental health knows that it depends very much of the degree of the difficulty.
Once the issues get past a certain level, family, even the closest of family members can’t really scratch the surface in the problem and outside specialist help is required.
Not only that, it’s a case of put your own life jacket on first so that you can actually be there when the person is well enough to really benefit from your help and support.

They may just be busy with their own lives and not deliberately cutting you out or giving up on you.

If your mental health issues have not affected your parenting then it's very unlikely your ex will win full custody.

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling so much. 💐

As a PP said, perhaps they need to put their own life jackets on and concentrate on their own well-being at the moment. I know that’s difficult, but I support my Dad, who’s had lifelong MH problems and sometimes it does drain me enormously.

Perhaps get in touch with them soon and keep the conversation light. Accept that they need some space atm.