not sure how to deal with this. dh suicidal.

[notdealingwiththiswell]

Dh and I havent been seeing eye to eye for a while, and I have long suspected that he is depressed in some way. Things came to a head when he asked me to move out, saying that he didnt think we could work anymore. We have been together for 12 years, and when we work, we work well, but we had been arguing a lot.
I moved out, and stayed with a friend, on her sofa, with my 2 yr old ds. I had noticed that dh had been going further and further downhill, and was really worried about him, but was trying hard to be strong and move on even though this really wasnt what I wanted.
When dh and I met up last week, to talk things over, he told me that he couldnt stop thinking of killing himself. He had a noose and everything. So I moved back, to try to help him. He told me that he didnt know what he would do without him, we had sex, he was really loving and we were getting on well again, even though I was in a very supporting role. He has been to the doctors, and they are referring him to a physchiatrist to help him to get better. He isnt on any tablets, and hasnt seen the psychiatrist yet.
And now he keeps saying he doesnt want to be with me. He keeps pushing me away and is looking at flats for himself. He says that he cant live with me, and needs to get away from me. He wont consider any kind of couples counselling, as he says its not worth it.
I really dont know what to do! I cant leave him on his own, as I really do believe he is a suicide risk. I also want to fight for our marriage and our family. But I dont want to be the worlds biggest fool, hanging round and hoping that we will get back together. He has nobody else nearby who can support him.
I just dont know if I am strong enough to do this. I really love him, and want us to be able to work things out, but I really cannot have my heart stamped on like this.

Not deealing

Please please either phone the GP today or make an URGENT appt and either take your DH or go on your own, to GET THE HELP BOTH YOUR DH AND YOU (as carer) NEED

Sorry for shouty typing but what you have described, as a mental health worker rings really big alarm bells.

You CANNOT deal with this alone, and he cannot wait weeks and weeks for an appt.

Most areas have whats known as 'Mental health crisis teams' which work 24/7 and as far as I know you can self refer, they come to support you in your own home.

What previous posters have said is so very true, if your DH is contemplating suicide then he will not be able to interact with you in an ordinary fashion, decide to yourself that you will do what you can to help support him through this, then when things have improved thats the time to look at the relationship. Its not you or anything you've done.

Awful thing to ask but does he still have the noose/access to other means of killing himself. Often people will be feeling suicidal but he actual act is quite an impulsive thing, can you remove any obvious articles from around and about?

really really feel for you, let us know how things go.

I rang the doctors and got dh in to see them today. I explained the situation again (saw a different doctor), and he gave dh some valium and some anti depressants util the referral comes through (I am looking after the tablets btw)
I also told him that everthing 'us' is on hold and that no major decisions will be made until he is better, and that he isnt moving in alone either. He accepted this. In fact, he is being much more positive towards me.

thanks for reassuring me that its not me that he is reacting against, and that it is the depression. It was very hard yesterday, as depression is such an unseen illness so he appeared ok on the outside, but then said such hurtful things.
He is still feeling suicidal, although I am doing my best in jollying him along.
his noose has been taken down, and I am not leaving him alone. He went to the garage last night alone (for cigarettes), and I called him every 5 minutes. It was horrible having him out alone, and I wont be doing that again. I will make an excuse o go outside alone though, and remove all ropes etc - I know that (or crashing his car) is how he would choose to do it.
If the referral doesnt come through tomorrow, I will call the 24hr crisis team at the hospital.

'depression is such an unseen illness so he appeared ok on the outside, but then said such hurtful things.'

yeah my dh has had to deal with all this. You are being absolutely fantastic.

If he can get better- and he can- your relationship will be much deeper in the future, although with his issues it is unlikely ever to be easy (speaking from my own experience that is)

your appointment should come through quickly,
Huge Huggs
I saw my GP last Tuesday and had a home Psychiatric visit on Friday.
Keep in touch with your GP
I know this is hard for you at the moment but at the point he goes ahead with killing himself it will be a whole lot harder.

I have not been given medication, nor have I been sectioned but I have been given alot of support.
Good luck hon, Keep talking.

I really feel for you - I have been in this situation with my DH. Make sure you have someone in rl to talk to about this as it will be a long hard slog for both of you to get through this.

I'm surprised about what they have presctribed him - my DH got Riseperidone which is far stronger to tide him over until the ADs kicked in.

Would it be better if he was admitted to hospital until things stabalise?

Good luck and remember things will get better

I need some more advice!

Dh HAS moved out - we couldnt bear to be with each other any longer. He is staying with friends, so he isnt alone. Every time I saw him, I just wanted him back and nothing I could say would change his mind, so I got very hurt and said some very hurtful things to him.

Now one of the things that brought this on was we went to Relate, and they asked if there had been any violence in the past. Well, there has been - about 6 incidents in our 12 years, all in the first few years - not hitting but pushing and grabbing. He admitted it, then Relate wanted to see us separately, suggested a course for him etc. They basically wanted to work on this before they would work on our relationship. He felt victimised, and felt I made too much of it, didnt care about how he was affected by the label 'wife beater' etc etc etc. (his words, not anyone elses)

He had a violent upbringing, and is much calmer these days. I am sticking up for him, as I know he has improved so much from the angry teenager I started out with, and I know that he can get a handle on himself. But he needs some counselling to sort his head out.

But he is blaming me for the situation he is in and I cant get across that it HAS affected our relationship and DOES need to be sorted out. But I cant just let him go either.

I just wanted to say that I'm sending lots of Hugs. It's very difficult to talk about from you and DP. The fact that he's talking about it is better than not.

My father didn't talk about it and hung himself 5 years ago. I think that if someone is talking about how bad it is then they are asking for help. Don't take no for an answer and go to the GP and anyone else you can think of to get help. Don't let them stonewall you. Oh and make sure you get some support to. It'll take a lot out of you and your DS will need you to.

Good Luck with it all. Oh yes check what Meds you might get put on as some make you more depressed before giving a lift. If you're too low then don't take them as they can give you a push in the wrong direction. (sorry to be depressing)

I am also having no luck getting him an appointment with a counsellor. It has been a week now, as an 'amergency' case, and they STILL havent got back to me.

Thanks
I feel that I cant keep holding onto him. I want this relationship to work out, but he is convinced that he doesnt. So its very hard to stay strong when you really dont know if there is any future together, but at the same time want to be there supporting him in case there is.

Although I think it's the depression causing this, I just feel that by the time he sorts his head out things will be too far gone between us.

I want to stay strong, but I also want need to move on, as I dont really know if he wants 'us' anymore.

God, I sound so needy talking about our relationship when dh is massively depressed.

But at the mo we are 'separated'. Its hard to be there for someone who you honestly dont know if they are coming back.

I am also scared of how he will be alone - I know he adores ds. But we have to be apart at the mo, as neither of us can deal with each other.

What scares me most is I KNOW he has a 'close friendship' with a woman at his work, who I KNOW fancies him. I think him being on his own will mean she will try to take him away. At the mo (imo) he is confused and needs space.

But I am scared that once he is on his own he will just give up on us.

I will go to the docs and see if I can get a counsellor, but who knows how long that will take seeing as his emergecy case hasnt yet got an appointment..