Partner reluctant to try talking therapy

[Twinklstar]

I have had always had anxiety and for the last 10 years used citalopram to support it. The last year and a bit has been really tricky for me - young kids, building new houses behind us, stressful family situation. I did a course of CBT last year and it helped and I recently started another course. I find it helpful.

My partner really struggles with my mental health, he's supportive, helps out but finds it difficult to understand fully. The slow process in building yourself up / finding ways to feel better - it takes months. I've suggested he tries talking therapy to work through his struggles with me, but he's reluctant? Finds the idea uncomfortable. Others have suggested it can be helpful.

Any suggestions? Helpful language?

Therapy is for people who want it. You can't send other people to therapy to help you. It's really unethical. If he wants to know more I am sure he could look up resources on the Internet.

Maybe you should look at your own view on your mental health. For example "I have always had anxiety" suggests you have accepted that this will be a life long issues that you (and, by extension, those around you) have to accommodate.

Actually anxiety is not a disorder, it's an emotion that is triggered when there's something that's too important to ignore - that could be checking for traffic before stepping into the road or getting out of a burning building. Everyone has anxiety and wouldn't survive for very long without it! When you listen to what it's trying to tell you when it's whispering rather than suppressing it until it has to resort to shrieking you will begin to work with it rather than dread it.

You can’t fix someone. They have to acknowledge what’s going on and then want to make changes. If they don’t then you’re wasting your time and energy.
You can only work on yourself. This is where I’d focus your time. If it means that you are in a relationship that isn’t working then you have some decisions to make. Or not, depending on how you want life to be.
My ex would never take any steps to get professional help with his mental health, nor discuss it with me. His behaviour towards me deteriorated significantly and I’m not sure he’d ever acknowledge that. He was so consumed with his own thoughts and fearful of change he never cared about the impact on me. I made the decision that I didn’t want to live my life like that and left.
Look after yourself, that’s all you can control.

All good points made. I can find it difficult to accept these anxieties and how they impact my life, and his.

Perhaps I do just need to focus on me and allow him to work out how to help himself, if needed

I think you’re unfair and out of order to try and send him to therapy in order to help you really.

Therapy is for willing participants, and even then it can be an uphill battle. Focus on yourself and then the rest may come naturally. If you’ve been in therapy for years and are still struggling then from his perspective he potentially thinks, what is the point?

I think the issue here more is his reluctance. Why is he reluctant? Does he not feel comfortable about talking about things? As if thats the case it could actually be that while outwardly appearing supportive his non verbal communication is not supportive.

I would approach it from what concerns him about this. If it is talking to strangers or if ita talking about himself. Would he agree a trial to see how it feels ? Then go from there.

Also he would be going to support himself in aiding someone he cares about who has anxiety. Not going to help with his support.

@Enko I think I was trying to say this. I perhaps didn't make it clear, we both are going through some stressful events. So the therapy would be for the stress and perhaps better understand my behaviours - he always has the same negative view on my situation when things are bad. He says he doesn't understand.

I think it would be positive for your relationship to acknowledge that living with someone with anxiety is very difficult, often wearing.

Unfortunately, people with anxiety are very focussed on themselves, indeed you are asking someone else to focus purely on you in your OP. If you are a positive person, it can be difficult.

Could you consider talking therapy to work through your struggles to understand his viewpoint?

I have had anxiety on and off for years - so I know how it feels to live with it. And I also know how difficult it can make the life of people around me.

However - @Twinklstar - I think you are being really unfair and selfish here.

Your partner does NOT need therapy to ‘understand your behaviours’. You need to own up to your issues and do all you can to minimise the effect on him and your children.
You need to up the dose and therapy for yourself - rather than expect people around you to be accommodating you.

Your behaviours will increasingly affect your kids. It is also highly likely that they have inherited your pre-disposition too - one of mine did - so you might need to learn how to support them, putting your own feelings aside.
So - basically, you can’t just expect the world to revolve around accommodating your anxieties - it’s up to you to manage