No joy in my life

[BioMommy]

So, I’m a single Mom to an almost 3 year old and work full time, I have had anxiety and depression for a number of years, including prior to her birth. It’s mostly under control with medication.
At the minute I’m really struggling. I don’t know if it’s normal development, something I’m doing wrong or what, but my daughter seems to go from 0-100 when something happens she doesn’t like. It could be not getting her own way or that her nose is running! She’ll start shouting etc. and it really sets me off. I hate shouting, and do not shout at her at all, and I know this sound pathetic, but at times I feel like I could cry when she starts. I try to talk to her about not shouting and using a softer voice, but I think she’s too young to really understand.
I’m just at a loss what to do, I feel no joy in my life at the minute. Whether it’s dealing with constant behaviour, tiredness, a bout of depression, I just don’t know. But I hate feeling like this and I hate being this Mom. She deserves a happy Mom. Any advice gratefully received. X

I don't know how to help you but I do know you need a hug. You need a cuddle and as I'm old enough to be your mum maybe your granny, I'm sending you love and hugs.
I do know it's tough raising DC as I've done that bit and now I'm on to GC so I will say things improve. My dear MIL told me a lifetime ago that the first 5 years are the hardest and she was right. No comfort at the time though.
You put so much into caring for her and appear to get so little back. You're working, looking after her, you're tired and it's a lonely time.
Remember your DD is only 3 years old and hasn't really learnt how to understand or explain how she feels. A lot of this behaviour at that age is down to frustration at not being understood and not knowing how to express herself.
This darling child will grow into your friend and you will share many good times together.
Things will improve. Sending love.

I'm sorry to hear this. Sending a hug. I too suffer from anxiety, with two kids under 5 it's a lot. I do have a husband but I'm the main parent as I stay at home. I feel like I tread water a lot of the time, balancing their needs and my own.

It sounds like they are going through a stage of development. Can you take some pressure off yourself by reducing other expectations? Less housework, scrambled eggs for dinner, sitting together watching TV/stories rather than trying to keep the house going.

Do you have a health visitor you can phone up? Ask for support. It can feel like a hard step but I felt better sharing my struggles with early years professionals.