Constant guilt and anxiety over past life events

[KateShine]

I am 38 years old and for the last year have been suffering unimaginable levels of guilt and anxiety over things from many years ago. I’ve felt guilt over how I’ve previously treated people, men, life decisions I took. In particular how I ended a relationship in my early 20s and how I treated a friend who was a love interest while I was in a relationship. I was such a selfish person and though I never cheated or never did anything extremely bad, my brain won’t let me off with it. I’ve even contacted the guy I treated badly (my old friend) apologising this week. He’s married with kids and will have long forgotten all of this but for me it’s like my brain is only just processing how much of a shitty person I was and is now torturing me with dreams and anxious thoughts.

is this an age thing ?! Am I going through a midlife crisis ? How can I resolve this and live in peace ?!

Not to be horrible… but I’m sure you’ve probably caused more harm than good by getting in touch with this previous love interest. What will his wife think?!
You’ve possibly caused turmoil within his marriage with the need to absolve your own guilt!

We’ve all done things we regret. Part of the parcel of being human. Let it go!

Are you possibly peri menopausal? I started having ridiculous guilt and even panic attacks over the last year when (despite many difficulties in life) have held myself together until recently. I’ve recognised that it’s definitely the start of a hormone change. But contacting this guy was crossing a line, so please figure out the source of anxiety before possibly causing harm in other people’s relationships going forward.

Everyone makes mistakes especially when young. To err is to be human.
Forgive yourself.

have you heard of “real event OCD”? I have this. The urge to confess is the compulsion.

There was no harm getting in touch and apologising.
I don’t think you needed to, as many others have said we all made mistakes especially when younger.
Im sure he read it, thought ok and moved on. No harm done.
im sure he’s long forgiven you.
without the mistakes of the past you wouldn’t be the person you are today. I listened to a podcast by Mel robbins on Spotify on this very topic recently. Perhaps it would be helpful x

An ex of mine got in touch years after to apologise for their conduct. I was happily married with children by then. Honestly, I could not have cared less.

People from your past who have obviously moved on really aren’t thinking about you anymore and you are not important to them anymore. You are long forgotten.

It doesn’t sound like you did anything that bad either. Relationships in your 20’s are tumultuous for most of us.

I understand. No need to be hard on yourself. You are a brave and good person with a strong conscience and that is a good thing. It is said that we are not our thoughts. Sending healing today.

Hi thank you all. Yes I agree contacting the guy (he wasn’t an ex but an old friend) did cross the line and I now feel guilty and mortified for being selfish enough to make contact. Though it was just an apology , no sharing of long lost feelings or anything like that, but I do appreciate it wasn’t appropriate, I don’t know what came over me.

yes I do feel I’m entering perimenopause, I am feeling anxious every day. I will listen to the pod cast mentioned. Thankfully the guy I contacted when feeling mad with anxiety is not a friend on social media and the message hasn’t been read, I’ve since blocked him to hopefully prevent the message from ever being read, god the last thing I’d want is to cause trouble for him.

and yes I didn’t do anything majorly wrong, I guess I’m just going through a very weird stage where I am literally torturing myself over anything and everything.

i will look into the ocd thing someone mentioned - thank you for everyone’s insights

Wow I had never heard of this, just googled it and I feel this is exactly what I have, everything fits, constant mental replaying, seeking reassurance, compulsive need to apologise and confess, feeling bad as a person etc. I am wondering if perimenopause has triggered this. Can I ask are you receiving treatment for this ? If so what treatment ? It’s really getting me down and I feel like I’m tying myself in knots trying to manage it but then feeling terrible and anxious if the way I’ve managed it has possibly hurt or annoyed others

I’ve never had any treatment but it helped me massively just figuring out what it was, you will find lots of useful tips just by researching and there’s a whole sub Reddit dedicated to it. I’ve struggled on and off and I do feel hormones shifting have been a factor, so times like pregnancy and peri menopause seem to have been triggers for me. Best of luck xx

Thank you so much x

Some really good points on this thread.
Another good point is practicing self compassion.

No one is perfect and at times we all make mistakes.
But mostly we are all also quite compassionate people and if we were giving our friends similar advice it would be from a place of compassion.
We really should extend that compassion to ourselves.