Struggling with son's partner's mental health - unsure how to help

[avecmum]

Just wanted someone else’s take on what is happening and on how I can best help everyone involved. My 31 year old son facetimed about 4.30pm last night and asked if he and his partner could come for tea, I love having them here and said yes straightaway. He said his partner wasn’t in a very good mental state and he had been off work that day to support him. My heart just sank cause I worry about them. As a bit of a back story. My son has been with his partner for about 6 years now. All my sons partner wanted was a degree, she is 30 now and found a good public sector job that would pay her a salary while she studied as part of the role over a 4 year course for a degree in her subject area. We are 2 years in now and deadlines are looming at the end of May/June and she is really struggling. She is not someone you can a talk to really to help as she always has an answer and a justification to any situation. She wanted a brand new car and went out and got one wouldn’t listen to anyone else and talks now about being crippled by car debt for the next few years. I’m maybe being sceptical my son works in a school environment and the exact same thing happened this time last year coming up to the 6 week summer holidays and my son’s partner ended up having the summer holidays off sick. I know it was a difficult time and she ended up being diagnosed with dyslexia. She constantly struggles with her mental health and has done since we have known her and it seems to be coming to a head with course work deadlines looming. I have a great deal of empathy because I did a degree at 50 years old and I know how all-consuming it can be and paralysing at times contemplating the workload. A couple of weeks ago my son called me early one morning, he had taken the day off work and said his partner was in a state and would I go to their house. I tried my best to help when I got there and she kept saying about taking her own life and she was in an anxious state about the course. She had a phone call later that day after I left with her tutors but because this is a specific small degree with only one other person taking it (and they are apparently doing ok) there isn’t the support for them not even for autism as it is run outside of any university, it runs in the workplace for 1 or 2 years and then in house in university for the final 2 years. When they came to tea last night it was said in conversation about next Monday and my sons partner said “you might be off work babysitting me”. I was really shocked, my son has a job where he can’t keep taking days off, children are starting to take their exams now and he will be needed more than ever I imagine.I just worry cause someone will have to pay their bills. I quietly asked my son later if he would be taking today off (Friday) and he said “what else do I do?” I just said my husband, his dad was cross because he can’t keep taking days off like this and my son just shrugged his shoulders. My son has always been so hard working and conscientious this is not in his nature.
I’ve been awake most of the night and my son rang early to say he is going into work and would I go and sit at their house today with my son’s partner. I said of course and that’s where I’m going now. I know she has a phone call with her doctor this morning. It’s just a lot at the moment cause I’m looking after my elderly parents a lot during the week and I don’t know what the best way to help is or what to say. I’m trying to take a bit of my own advice and take things a step at a time and be there for everyone but I don’t have any experience of autism or this situation before. I know she has had help in the past for autizum support outside of the course and workplace I think they paid privately but she said it didn’t really help. I just don’t know how to help in the best way, maybe it’s just being there?

You might not agree with this reply but I think she should jack in the course. It's not for her if it's making her not just miserable but suicidal. Yes I understand even if she was not on the course that she would have mental health problems still but she wouldn't have the pressure.

I think she should get a relatively low pressured job. (I know people will reply that no job is low pressure). I know all jobs have their own stresses but when I worked in retail if you finish at 5 then you finish at 5. I currently work in care, not in a senior position and my job is pretty low stress, although I'm sure this varies even in care.

She is not resilient enough for what she is trying to do and won't be resilient enough for a high pressure career. But there is more to life.

Edit to add: of course you can't tell her to quit her course - hut you can say that no one would judge her if she did and that it doesn't seem to be making her happy.

Thank you @Winter2020 I agree and I've said this to her.

Because the course comes with the job I think its harder for her to leave.

Perhaps she could ask her job what options there are if she doesn't continue with the course. Maybe she can stay in her current position but not be promoted (if promotion is what the course led to) or perhaps there are alternative positions that she could swap into.

She probably needs to look into taking a leave of absence. I was diagnosed with bipolar during my PhD and I had to take a 4 month leave of absence to get support in place and to improve my situation before going back to complete my studying.

I had therapy during that time and treatment for my bipolar, I later made a DSA claim and through that I got a mentor which helped me manage my condition and my course. I did need my partner to take a couple of days off work but probably no more than 3 in total just to give me support in reaching out for better support or to make the decision that I needed some time off sick.

Through DSA I got access to various software that helped make the course easier.

It sounds like it's time for them to stop and take stock of the situation to work out what needs to change to make this situation sustainable

She needs to seek help for her mental health. And your son can’t take time off. Neither he nor you can fix this for her. She needs to sort out the problem herself. Does she have a diagnosis of any MH issue yet?

Does she have a mental health nurse, social worker or cpn. She needs expert support and help, it's not fair on you or her to be asked to sit with her, especially when she's talked about ending her life. Has she spoken to the course pastoral team or nurse about her anxiety and how this is affecting her.

Thank you all for you advice, no she doesn't have mental health nurse, social worker or cpn and hasn't for as long as I have known her. She's spoken with work and they seem fine just to let things continue as they are it's really strange and a very old school establishment where she works. When I arrived this morning i was worried sick i didnt know what state she would be in but her brother was there when i got there he had called in in between work jobs and they had been talking. She seemed fine and said her brother had said just to leave she hasnt been the same since she took the job and started the course. I that's what she has decided to do, she spoke with her doctor this morning and they have prescribed some medication she used to be on which helped in the past and has issued a sick note. I spent the whole day with her from 10.30 am until 4 pm when my son got home. We went for a walk in the afternoon to get her out of the house and in the sunshine. She was in a totally different mental state by the time my son came home from work i would even say she was buzzing telling my son how things had been during the day. I just can't get my head around although i would never say it that it has to involve so many people we have been in similar situations in the past with her but not quite as bad. i struggle to understand how she sits there and tells anyone who will listen about her mental health problems and how things are black and white she is either alive or not here anymore and its that clear to her. Maybe i am totally wrong, but i struggle with at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself you cant joke like today when she said in a totally acceptable way to her she needed me with her to 'mind her' she is 30 years old. I got home tonight and i have slept on the sofa, i feel dreadful, so tired, it's been quite a tiring day. What with looking after my elderly parents and mentally supporting my 27 year old daughter in London and my other son in Manchester who both have busy jobs and responsibilities it quite draining. Thank you for you advice and help i just needed to talk this morning.

She sounds really unwell. Bouncing from one extreme to another is concerning.
as supportive as you are being you can’t fix this, she needs to accept she’s not well and put things in place which mean she can complete the course or think about a leave of absence.
I honestly say this with all the compassion in the world. I was seriously mentally unwell after having DD and was working and doing a qualification. I had support from the crisis team, was suicidal and I still really have to prioritise the things which keep me well. But it’s not fair on my DH or DD if I don’t look after my MH so even if it’s hard it’s worth it.

She doesn’t need a minder. It’s time to shut that down. Plus going from needing medication to being buzzing is strange.

How have things been over the weekend?
Being a minder is hard work and it's not entirely fair if you are repeatedly placed in this position.
I would try to avoid having full days over there they are draining on you and it sounds like you are already spread quite thinly but also they are a sticking plaster solution that could impeded her getting the help and support that would allow her to make meaningful progress in managing her mental health

Thank you I spoke with my son this morning and he said things are getting better. She has spoken with her mental nurse over the weekend (I didn't think she had one but that's good) and her own mum is more involved now. I think she is going to leave the course and the job and find something else. I did say to my son too that he needs to look after his own mental health it's alot constantly being there for someone struggling like this.

It's good things are improving, hopefully the change will be helpful.
Definitely a good shout on making sure he looks after his wellbeing too!

I think this sounds like asd and adhd and she is masking an autistic shutdown for fear of failure and rejection.

With adhd you can very much be fine one minute (because there's only really now and not now, that's how it feels - so if you are around people and everything is good you feel good - but the crashes can be bad because the dopamine ends).

I would hazard a guess she got overwhelmed hyperfocusing on studying, stopped following a good routine (eating, socialising balance), got stuck on rigid thinking - I must, I should, I have to etc., and then realised she was falling behind, and is stuck in a stress loop of avoidance and catchup.

I would slightly ignore the mental health stuff because it's related to the deadlines - take the deadlines away and she will be probably be fine.

Just focus on the course and the deadlines for the end of May and June. Is she going to try and meet these, or what are the options if not. Is there an option to take a year out and go back and complete?

For anything in future she must factor in that she needs longer than average people or additional support e.g. Access to Work who can provide tools and coaching. Have a look at organisations like Dyslexia Box too.

It's too much for a partner or family and you are not professionals (of course you can empathise with the stress of doing a course and do whatever you can manage to help) but the support exists out there though if she accesses it.

Didn't mean completely ignore mental health stuff but the GP needs to help with that - if it's medication, referral for counselling, assessments etc.