Help me with a difficult conversation.

[supersop60]

Where to start? I belong to a Performing Arts Group and am on the committee. The behaviour of one of our members has caused a number of individuals to complain to the committee. This person, let’s call them Chris, is known for extreme behaviour, and we had to have a meeting with them a while back. They have sensory processing disorder and self-diagnosed autism. High functioning, with a degree in Literature and does high level tutoring.
Previous incidents have included screaming, shouting and crying because their skin was touched by feathers and a whistle was blown.
Chris has now told us officially about these things that they cannot process and as a company we are aware and mindful.
I am using ‘they’ because that’s how they identify themselves.
The recent complaints are about Chris’s constant talking, complaining about costume and the wardrobe lady behind her back, blaming a 3rd party for an injury, wearing inappropriate clothing, and others.
The committee can’t ignore official complaints do we asked Chris to another meeting. This is to take place on Sunday and I have to lead it.
In the meantime, a 3rd party has referred Chris to Social services as a safeguarding concern, citing bullying. We know this because the SW contacted us to let us know.
My question is - how do I approach this?
We have to take Chris’s needs into consideration, but also the 40 or so other people in the company, who have to work collaboratively in order to put on a performance. Chris is making people unhappy.
Sorry for the long post.

Is this a paid thing or a voluntsry group?

surely the goal is to manage Chris out.

He is a bully, kick him out

He needs to leave and you need to be clear that you made provisions for his self diagnosed autism but the bullying and aggression is unacceptable. He needs to go and you need to be firm.

They are already on a warning. And they have been asked to leave another group previously.
Its voluntary.

A performing arts group will be loud and unpredictable and require a specific costume at times surely. I’d question whether chris is persuing the right hobby if he finds these things difficult. Whilst i think some adaptations can be made-such as costume adjustments, its impossible to control the noise level and actions of 40 people. I’d be gently trying to suggest this. Or ask how he feels adaptations can be made that keep him calm but do not impact others adversely. And there is the mumsnet favorite that autism (especially self diagnosed) is not an excuse for being an a hole or aggressive-that feels very applicable here.

Well I imagine you just need to make sure it’s documented

I imagine the group has insurance? If you’re worried he might kick off when you tell him to leave the insurance probably has a legsl
helpline you could run it past?

And are we all right that it’s a him?

And the best is actually not to engage in an open conversation/open questions that can give him plenty of opportunities to kick off, manipulate, claim etc.

i would prepare my decision and script in advance, with the same stock answers you repeat and repeat if he kicks off. I would also define which behaviour from him are unacceptable and will cause for the meeting to be stopped.

During the meeting, grey rock, talk as little as possible, don’t let him take the lead in the discussion, if he kicks off a little, stay silent, if he kicks off a lot, meeting is over.

He sounds like a self absorbed narcissist… if his Autism is 'self diagnosed’ he looks like he’s using that as a way to excuse his awful behaviour…baring in mind, that even if it was professionally diagnosed, it still doesn’t give anyone the right to make people unhappy.

you probably know that any confrontation will bring on histrionics and a vast amount of hyperbole to make you feel guilty … but stand firm and remember you are protecting the other 40 numbers of the company as well.

have back up, make sure it’s recorded and documented, stay calm and don’t be drawn into any argument.

good luck.

The meeting will be recorded and Chris will have a ‘friend’ there too. Plus a non-participating officer of the committee.
@juicelooseabootthishoose its not just costume adjustments- it’s complaining that entire costumes are wrong or ‘unfair’.
At the previous meeting, it was agreed that Chris’s needs would be taken into consideration, and we requested specifics in writing, which we’ve not had.

Thanks for the tips re grey rock and having prepared notes.

I think you need to take the viewpoint that the drama group is not suitable for him and he should leave. He hasn’t supplied the written specifics so I’d say isn’t bothered about reaching a compromise, he just wants to create drama, which is a bit ironic!

tbh, he comes across as a self centred arse who thinks the world should revolve around him.

Stick to the absolute facts and use any relevant behaviour policies to back you up
E.g. rather than saying 'you really upset poor Maureen by saying her costumes are shit' go for a factual 'on 4th, 17th and 18th April you said these words to Maureen - the costumes are shit, I won't wear that... This goes against our behaviour guidelines of being polite, respectful and supportive to all members.'
Try not to get embroiled in a discussion about emotions or whether Maureen should be able to take honest criticism and keep bringing it back to the policy/ guidelines.
You are required to make REASONABLE adjustments to allow anyone with disabilities to access your group. Eg. Requiring a performance group of 40 people to be quiet at all times or allowing one member to talk constantly over all the others would probably not be practicable or reasonable and would probably infringe on others' access and enjoyment of the group (people with hearing impairment? People with social anxiety?).

I think the self diagnosis is probably accurate.
Does the absence of an official, clinical diagnosis make a difference to how we handle this?
According to the company rules, the committee has to be unanimous to kick someone out. At the moment it’s 70/30.

What is your complaints policy? You need to follow this really. As a volunteer group it is very difficult but this is why having policies and procedures in place is so important. If you have multiple complaints then you do need to consider if you need to ask Chris to leave but you need to ensure that you have done the steps before. Ultimately you as a group have a responsibility for the safety and wellbeing of all volunteers.

Agree totally with Haffdonga.
The legislation is clear- reasonable adjustments.
This does not mean the entire activity should be custom built for one individual.
What hasnt been mentioned is that there is also legislation to protect individuals from verbal,physical abuse and harrassment.
I suggest in your meeting you stick totally to the facts of the complaints but point out that autism, either officially or self diagnosed, cannot be used as a excuse for bullying and harrassment of other individuals in the group and that all individuals are entitled to feep comfortable in the space - not just this individual.
I would use this to issue a final warning regarding their membership of the group.

Someone can be considered disabled under Equality act even if they don't consider themselves disabled (so presumably without a formal diagnosis) and no you don't need a formal diagnosis. You don't want to be getting into a situation where you're demanding to see people's confidential medical records for evidence. İn your case Chris has declared their disability and it would seem reasonable to take it into account but only to the extent that you reasonably practically can. Eg it would be reasonable to warn Chris if there's a scene coming up with a loud whistle. İt would not be reasonable to remove all sudden noises from all future performances.

Maybe Chris could help themselves a bit by wearing headphones to mitigate loud noises. I know many neuro divergent people who do this.
You could also contact the National Autistic Society for advice.

A good phrase when being distracted by other matters is: "the fact of the matter is...". Keep saying this and bring it back to the issues at hand. It's their behaviour that's the issue, not Maureen's etc.

Chris sounds like a professional victim and a bit of a bell end.

Update - the 'conversation' has been postponed. Until we know exactly what has been said about the company in the safeguarding referral, we are going to look at our own safeguarding and inclusivity policies, plus insurance and legal.
I'm so fed up of this person - they've occupied far too much of my headspace.
It's ruining my hobby!

If anyone is still interested, this has got worse.
I'm fed up of writing 'they' - Chris is a she.
Conversations with Social services revealed that Chris referred herself to them (although in an email today she is still claiming that the SW rang her after a 3rd party made the referral - we are double checking that)
She keeps putting off the meeting for various reasons, and we've now issued an ultimatum - pick one of three dates we are offering, or we'll have the meeting without you. She has objected to the agenda, and is now making fresh allegations about sexual abuse (the first we've heard).
We've enlisted the help of a person who is trained up to the hilt in safeguarding, and also trained as an appropriate adult.
I am so fed up of this.

Bloody hell!

What is the outcome they are seeking by making the self referral of bullying? What is expected by the complainants? Do they have a support worker or friend who could attend the meeting with them? It all sounds very heavy going for what should be a fun activity. Make sure notes from the meeting are taken and signed as correct by both sides,

It sounds like Chris has a lot of issues and her problems with the group are in fact her problems.

Do members of the group have a working agreement or contract that they sign before joining? If so perhaps it will be worth continually referring back to this.

Absolutely insist boundaries with dates and times are adhered to. It sounds like Chris enjoys shifting the goal posts.