Reoccurring theme coming up in my CBT

[MakingSpaceForJoy]

I’m having CBT at the moment following an accident I had last year.

We’ve talked a lot about my childhood, upbringing, values, beliefs etc. and one thing keeps coming up;

That I can be in a situation where I am in the right/ the other person is BU, demanding, putting me in a difficult position or I need to be assertive to fix something and my response is anxiety and “yes I need to do this, but I don’t want to cause conflict, or upset, inconvenience the other person”.

I mean WTF is that about 🤷‍♂️

I’m looking back on so many, many situations where I’ve compromised, bit my tongue, missed out on something in my life because I didn’t step up and say “what about my needs and feelings too?” I’m angry that other people have walked all over me (friends, family, in-laws) and I find I no longer want to speak to them.

Even more more important, I just don’t want to do it anymore but don’t know how to shake off 50 years of the behaviour.

no advice OP but just to say I feel you as I am the same. I wish I knew how to stop this behaviour too. I have gone out of my way to the detriment of me & my family in fulfilling other peoples needs, just so I don't upset them or rock the apple cart. People have said stuff to me - not necessarily nasty - that has not been true but has made me look a bit of a tit.. and rather than embarrass the person and tell them they are totally wrong in front of everyone ... I've just agreed with them. why ????

I'm a people pleaser in recovery. It sounds like you've had a big moment of realisation that you haven't always stood up for yourself and have prioritised others instead. It can definitely be a WTF moment. Somewhere along the line, you've learned that it wasnt ok to have needs, to express them, to say no, to assert yourself - that felt scary to you and couldn't be tolerated by others. So in order to keep yourself safe, you tried to be what other people needed you to be. Now you're quite rightly thinking 'sod that'

It's like changing anything or forming any new habits - gets much easier with practice. Stay in therapy if it's helping - professional support can be invaluable when you're confronting painful habits like this. My therapist used to prompt me to ask myself 'what do I want to do?' - I needed to learn to recognize my own needs and wants first, before I could act accordingly. It's become much more automatic for me to consider myself first rather than being a doormat for other people, and it feels very freeing and peaceful. Good luck 👍

I view it this way; all the options open to you to respond/behave is like a field of long grass. The way you’ve always done if is flatterned down and feels easiest - so you take that path even if you don’t really want to. Then with change (eg therapy) you decide to try a different route. It’s hard because the grass is long but with time the grass gets flatterened and the grass on the old path starts to get long. You do end up in a period of time where neither path are easy! But with time the new path you choose becomes the easier path. You just have to accept taking it won’t be easy to begin with.

People pleasing can often stem from deeper issues such as fear of rejection, low self-esteem, or childhood conditioning (did you have a parent that was quite demanding?). You could start to break the pattern by questioning your beliefs, ask yourself what you’re afraid will happen if you say no? and whether your value really depends on being liked. What about setting small boundaries, like delaying your answer or expressing your true opinion (in a kind way, not aggression). I think it’s totally normal to feel discomfort or guilt at first, but tell yourself that growth often feels uncomfortable (so it’s a positive thing). Be compassionate towards yourself, it’s okay to take care of your needs and that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person.

Good post from @Lottapianos. OP, CBT is unlikely to be in depth enough to help you explore this, as it’s likely to be a set number of sessions focused on a specific issue related to your accident. It may be worth you find a therapist for a more general talking therapy to get to the root of this and help you unpick those childhood scripts and reprogramme them so you can pay attention to your own needs.

'OP, CBT is unlikely to be in depth enough to help you explore this'

Have to say I agree with this. I saw a psychodynamic psychotherapist - that mode looks at how your past, especially your childhood, impacts on who you are and how you experience the world today. It's long term in depth work but I recommend it very highly

I think this is exactly what CBT is good for!

Even more more important, I just don’t want to do it anymore but don’t know how to shake off 50 years of the behaviour

OK, so you are not going to change overnight, it would feel very unnatural and would frighten the horses! But what you can do is go for low risk changes this core belief (that you have to please people in order to be liked/accepted) to begin with.

For example, someone who isn't a close friend or family member asks you a favour and you simply say "no, sorry, I can't". It'll feel weird and you will expect the sky to fall in but it won't. Keep practicing and keep raising the bar in terms of what's being asked of you and the 'importance' of the person asking. After a while it will feel comfortable and as normal as the last 50 years.

Jefferson Fisher has dozens of set phrases you can use for any situation - https://www.facebook.com/justaskjefferson and there's an excellent book by Kain Ramsay called Responsibility Rebellion.

Finally you can learn more about your core beliefs here - https://positivepsychology.com/core-beliefs-worksheets/

Do feel free to pass the links on to your therapist 😉

Absolutely this. CBT can only help by colluding with the problem. Now you will people-please your therapist and everything will go back to normal with six months of the end of the therapy. (this is what the research shows)

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy would do a real deep-dive and support over an extended time,aswwell as working with the way it repeats in the therapy relationship.