Why am I not doing anything to stop myself dying

[DesperatelySeekingHelp]

Good morning, I am a 50 something year old female and I have a few health issues.
I had breast cancer last year which was one of the worst times of my life but thankfully have been given the all clear.
I also have chronic kidney disease stage 3.
other health issues include lymphodema, arthritis.
I just can’t stop sabotaging myself. I desperately don’t want to die but I can’t seem to stop drinking, eat healthily.
I have some childhood issues that I have been seeing a counsellor for but I honestly think there is no counsellor that can help me.
I feel numb most of the time. I no longer get excited or happy but I don’t get sad anymore either. I think this is a protective mechanism because of childhood issues and breast cancer.

I have a great husband and family but I feel like I am slowly killing myself and I can’t do anything to stop drinking I am massively overweight and have no confidence.
I am already on antidepressants and I think my barriers are so far up that no counsellor would ever be able to get through to me properly

What hobbies, social life do you have?

I’ve been trying to massively cut down on my drinking recently and going out for a swim (especially cold water) or gym really helps. It helps my mood, it also means I’m not sat in the couch working out what is in the fridge that I could eat/drink. I’ve been trying to limit myself to 1 bottle wine and 1 bottle of cider a week, the cider is still there this week and tomorrow is shopping day.

With your health issues you need to start slowly but try and commit to a few nights a week to do something, and do it with someone so you are accountable, maybe something gentle like a walk to start with.

Hi, I’m not an expert, at all, but I know a little of what you’re feeling.

I’m sorry life has been hard, but you need to see what you have and move forward. You deserve to feel great in yourself. That will only come with change and time.

You need to find a counsellor that works for you. They are out there - but sometimes it just doesn’t ’click’ and you have to try to find the person that suits you.

it’s tough now, but if you don’t invest in yourself now it’ll get harder. Sit down today and write three things you’re grateful for. You listed them above anyway:

1. The all clear
2. Great husband
3. Great family

you do want to change for the better, that’s why you’re here asking for support. Remember this and then write three things you want to change. Make them small and realistic, don’t set yourself up with huge goals.

For example:

1. Walk for 10 mins outdoors 3 x day
2. Weight wise give yourself a calorie goal of say 2500 - don’t go low yet - and then think about filling up on protein and fibre. Don’t exclude carbs or fats, just make sure you hit your protein and fibre goals - then the rest is around that.
3. Stretch and do mobility exercises. 1 x 12 minutes a day or a few minutes here and there. Every time thank your body for showing up for you.
4. Speak to yourself how you’d speak to others. Don’t be harsh on yourself or unkind, positivity only.
5. Self care - shower and wear fresh clothes every morning. Whether you’re wearing leggings or skirts, it doesn’t matter, but you’ll feel better all day.

Just pick 3 things from above, or make your own list. Dont think about everything all at once. Just make small changes and I want you back in two weeks to hear what a difference it has made.

You will have days or moments you won’t want to do it. But you have to stand up to yourself and fight for yourself xx

I’m sorry you’re in this position, my three pieces of advice are:
(a) One thing at a time- losing the alcohol will make the biggest difference at this stage
(b) when you look back at the years which have already been sabotaged, and then look forward to the future, do you feel you are not going to also sabotage those.
(c) you were a child- it was about them, and never about you. What you you say to ‘her’ from back then that would make her feel better.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. The thing is the childhood thing made me go no contact with my mother, brother and sister. It wasn’t anything like physical or sexual abuse. My mum had dementia for the last two years of her life and I feel so guilty about not stepping up and I doubt myself as to whether my childhood was as bad as I thought it was and then the guilt really kicks in. I’ve worked on this in counselling but I can’t shake the guilt no matter what the counsellor says.

I’m going to be tough and say there’s only one person who can make the change and that’s you. You need to find out what it is that will break the cycle of lots of really bad habits that’s having a very detrimental impact on your health (and probably your DH).
It sounds like you have a lovely DH, which you should be grateful for. Don’t take him for granted.
Stop blaming the past / your parents/ anything else.
Making a change and putting self discipline on your health in place is really tough … but only you can do it.

Could you start by asking your GP for some help? And perhaps a structured fitness and eating programme from a very gentle, sympathetic personal trainer?

Can you accept the guilt and still live/sit with it for now - whilst giving yourself permission to live your life well?

I do get that I need tough love and I know I do but it just doesn’t seem to get through to me. That’s why I’m desperate because it feels like nothing can get through to me at the moment.

No, you don't need tough love - your subconscious mind (your 'inner child') needs to know that what happened to you when you were small wasn't your fault and that you deserve to be happy. That is absolutely possible to achieve.

I once worked with a woman who couldn't bear to look in the mirror as she saw her mother's face there. It took three sessions for that to change.

So you are probably punishing yourself for the guilt you feel by neglecting yourself? A feeling of Guilt won’t kill you though but not looking after your health could do.

try and reframe your thoughts, I think I feel they aren’t facts they are your limiting beliefs. They arent true they are things you have made up because of trauma.

I also don’t think you need tough love, I think you need a big hug and to be gentle with yourself. You have been through so much, it’s not surprising you are finding things difficult. I would focus on finding positive changes and activities you enjoy rather than trying to shame yourself into stopping bad habits. It’s a great time of year for this as the weather is nicer and longer evenings give more opportunities to eg go for a walk in the evening (even just walking for a few minutes and sitting outside). You probably know this but alcohol will be making all of this worse so you could start by swapping out one glass of booze for a nonalcoholic drink and take it from there if cold turkey is too much?

OP have you tried journalling your thoughts each day and then closing up the book and leaving them there for the rest of the day.

Then at the end of the day, journal the positive things on a new page.

You can have guilt but you need to try and separate it from life and live with it, not have it drive you.

With regards to food/ booze, distraction is a must. Start by not buying it, and go for a walk or get on a cross trainer (easy on a low resistance and fun with some pumping tunes).

Hopefully some small changes will help with bigger ones as you start to see the effects.