Is this normal..? And what to do.

[Mousey101]

Hi everyone,

I hope this isn’t too long winded, but I just need some advice from people who aren’t my friends or family. I’m 32. I got married two years ago and I have a 13 month old son. This year and my pregnancy have been some of the hardest of my life. And I think I must be doing it wrong.

I have had a long term history of depression and anxiety which after studying it I think it’s more related to quite severe PMS when 10 days of the month I’m borderline suicidal I’m working with my cycle and I’m more aware of it now however over the last couple of months I just feel like I’m struggling so much more than everyone else you have a baby my age I feel so lost and I don’t even recognise myself anymore.

I’m still carrying an extra stone of the baby weight and don’t have the energy or time to exercise or to be honest even inclination my whole body aches. I’m exhausted all the time our baby hasn’t been a great sleeper but he’s getting better but still I’m just constantly tired exhausted overwhelmed I’ve been to the doctors and had my bloods done and everything has come back fine I’m taking loads of supplements I work in healthcare so I am generally very fit and healthy anyway I just don’t know is this normal?

I am I’m so lucky that we have a Nanny come for mornings the week for two hours so I can go to the gym and do some appointments. I do have support from my family who are wonderful but they don’t live at all near us in London and my husband‘s family are not really involved in our lives. I have gone back to work 2 days a week which I am enjoying although I feel very guilty for leaving my son, however on top of all of this I just constantly don’t feel that happy and I just feel like am I doing it right just the exhaustion and the pressure to look good. lose weight cook my baby 3 meals a day
, get him sleeping through the night, Look at nurseries go back to school keep up with my friends, and family and then moving onto my marriage.

We’ve been happily together for five years that these last couple of months actually to be honest this whole last year including my pregnancy I’ve been so up-and-down and my husband is just not very good at coping with my outbursts (he’s very English, army, emotionally repressed LOL!) We are now very resentful towards each other. We barely talk. We dont kiss. Get up and go to bed at seperate times. I sometimes catch him looking at me with the look of hate / disappointment. We hardly have sex even though he wants another baby so do I at some point but I just don’t think I can face it any time soon he’s 12 years older than me so I think he thinks there’s a bit of time pressure on him. Does this mean my marriage is coming to an end? The thought of him even coming near me gives me the ick - which is a new sensation. And I’ve completely lost my sex drive which used to be very high.

I just don’t know. Is this normal? When will I feel like myself again but to be honest I don’t even know who that self is. My brain just doesn’t seem to work and I feel so cloudy and foggy all day every day. Looking after my baby all day is fulfilling, but I find it exhausting draining and overstimulating.

I just feel like I should be thriving and I’m not please help. Any solutions?

Life can be tough, especially with a young child, but from your post it sounds like a visit to your GP might be a good idea.

Hello lovely. From your post it sounds like you have had post-natal depression/anxiety which has been untreated and therefore has dragged out. Given that you had pre-existing mental health difficulties it isn’t surprising you have struggled.

I can totally reassure you that many women feel the way you do after having a baby - tired, miserable and disillusioned with motherhood even though they adore their baby.

I had very bad postnatal mental illness and I recovered and retrained in perinatal mental health.

Your post sounds like you might be a bit of a perfectionist/ like you expect yourself to be very alpha female - e.g. hitting the gym in a 2 hour window in the morning (when you are feeling exhausted?), worrying about getting back to your pre-baby weight (was that weight quite low?) , cooking each meal from your baby from scratch (have a fromage frais?). You also sound depressed.

Is your baby waking in the night?
I think you need to listen to your body - if the nanny comes and you are exhausted go back to bed not to the gym, or sit in a cafe for a chill and a slice of cake - it is ok to rest.

Can you plan a nice day with your husband and baby. Go to the zoo or something and try to enjoy each other's company. Does he have the baby alone sometimes? If not perhaps it is time he started.

I also think chatting with your GP about anti-depressants or help with PMS/PMDD would be helpful.

Be kind to yourself OP, having a baby, a job and high expectations of yourself is hard.