Cant bear this pain anymore

[Jenasaurus]

I get everything wrong, and am the cause of so many dramas and problems in my family I don't mean to, its never intentional, but its happened again. I've let down the person that means the most to me in the world and now realise I am to blame for everything and the cause of so much pain, including my own.

I don't know what to do and I know this is saying so much but also saying nothing but I just cant put into words without it sounding ridiculous, but at the end of the day I have realised the way I am just doesn't fit in with the world, Its never going to get any better.

I’m sorry you feel this way. I don’t know your circumstances and didn’t want to read and run, but you’re not on your own.

Obviously don't know what's happened but honestly, I think alot more people than you think feel like this about alot of things. And there will be reasons throughout your life why you have come to have such a negative view of yourself which I'm sorry for and hope you can somehow work through your negative talk to find some self love and self compassion from somewhere x

I have hurt my daughter, I was planning her 30th birthday and we had just spent a lovely weekend together, and also been wedding dress shopping together, all was lovely never been so happy, then today I booked an AIRBNB for the family for the day we were going out to celebrate with her so we could all stay over afterwards and not need to drive home, I shared the details with the family and all was going well, but I think this message triggered someone to react to something from the past. I was told a secret by my daughter months ago , I shared with my son as he was noticing she seemed sad, and didn't want him to worry it was something he had done, he then shared this with the person it affected who messaged my daughter today, who is now understandably upset with me, but has also forgiven me, its me that cant forgive myself or deal with what I did, I mean why did I share this thing she told me, and the birthday event which is in 2 weeks time will be awkward as all parties will be present there too, I cant stop crying and it feels self indulgent, but I have no friends to talk to about this, my best friend is my daughter and its her I have let down. It sounds ridiculous but this is one of many situations I seem to create. I feel like I should remove myself from my family as I don't want to hurt them and could see them all doing so much better and happier without me in their lives. I feel deeply ashamed.

I think the fact you feel so deeply about it shows you know it was wrong to disclose the secret. You need to be open with your family and own this mistake. If you have recognised this as a repeated behaviour perhaps some therapy might be beneficial to try and identify and change it?

My other son who witnessed it has just told me he is concerned about my mental health, he said he texted my daughter and told her not to come over as he thought I was having a break down, I couldn't stop repeating talking hysterically (I don't actually remember it that way, but what he saw was like an episode of mania (I have suspected bipolar - I was seen by a psychiatrist after an event in my younger days but he said if he had diagnosed me it would ruin my life and job as I was managing it well without medication- that's a whole other thread though) My daughter did come over and we chatted, She said she loves me and forgives me, but I keep thinking why did I say it in the first place, I love her very much she is my world so why would I say something that could hurt her, and it did. I think I need to explain the context, on this and what was said. Basically she was upset when we were away as a family because she thought her BF was spending too much time with her brothers GF and that he liked her, she was quite down about it, I mentioned it to her brother (my son) that she was upset about this and then later months down the line he told his gf who got upset with my daughter as she thought she had been left out of brides dress shopping with her because of it, then my daughter realised I had told her brother what she told me....I am not sure if this makes sense, probably not but basically I should have kept this to myself and its all sort of exploded.