How do I just enjoy myself without constantly worrying about my weight?

[OneVividLilacDuck]

I (32F) have struggled with my weight and image ever since I was around 12.

I have never been petite, but have had periods of being slim. My family for some reason have always been obsessed with looks, to the point where I kind of grew up thinking you only mattered if you was pretty.

when I was a teenager up until my early 20’s I was quite slim, and had to really work to stay that way, lots of walking, restrictive eating, constantly thinking about what I ate and what I would have to do to work it off etc but I got compliments on my appearance to so I felt of value. The weight would easily go on and then I’d really have to work to get it off

fast forward to the pandemic, unable to go gym and always inside, weight started to creep on and then I had children and now I’m the biggest I have ever been.

I have PCOS and find weight incredibly hard to get off once it’s on and with young children I find it hard to find the time to excerise but I’m so self conscious now

I hardly ever get told I look pretty anymore (apart from husband and children), whenever I see my family they ask about what I eat, should try going out walking with the kids, try slimming world and whatever else but it gets me down.

I eat quite normally I think (3 meals a I don’t just sit down all day everyday, I take the kids out and do the house work and other things, I have a desk job which doesn’t help

im going on holiday soon, I feel like I shouldn’t wear cute dresses, feel awkward about being in a swim suit, all I think is people will see me and think oh god she’s fat or what a shame, she’d be pretty if she was thinner (a comment I actually overheard by a family member)

How do I just learn to except that no one probably cares what I look like and I shouldn’t waste my life worrying about my weight?

Your family have done a number on you since you were a child so it’s no surprise that your self worth is very tightly bound up with weight and appearance. I think it’s the sort of thing that needs unpicking with therapy to be honest.

I would also start pulling your family up on the kinds of comments that they’re making. Tell them you don’t need or want their thoughts on your weight, appearance or what you eat. Tell the family member who made that cruel comment that you overheard, that you overheard it and that you were disappointed in their attitude towards you. An apology would be warranted.

Tell your family to fuck off!

Agree with the previous poster. Even if you were 50 stone having your family bang on and on about it isn’t likely to help is it. And I bet you’re not very overweight if at all.

It’s easy to tell people what to say on here but I’d really recommend you practise some responses to your family, it might help you feel stronger. So if your mum says “You should try Slimming World you’re getting fat” you could say something like “let’s talk about something else” or “I don’t comment on your appearance so please stop talking about my weight, there are a lot more interesting things to talk about.” My mum is very influenced by other people’s views so I would just respond “Actually I’ve had people tell me I’m looking great, not sure what you’re talking about.”

So sorry that you were brought up by such a shallow family.

You have a husband and children who love you. Listen to them.

And enjoy your holiday 😃

What else do you bring to the party other than your body? You are obviously a mother, are you funny, kind, have you had interesting experiences? Can you sing? Are you good at finding lost toys? Do you work?

after we die no one is going to write in our obituaries “she was always under ten stone”.

I feel like I could have written this post, except I'm 33. I visited my parents yesterday and my mum started telling me I needed to start doing workouts at home and walk more! I'm a UK 10-12 but was smaller for a long time (through restricting/obsessing/ED's at one point).

As long as they're around I fear I'll always struggle with this.

No answers, just solidarity. Mother and (grandparents) have commented about my weight since I was 9. Now I’m in my 40s I still get told I need to watch my weight and to weigh myself weekly. (BMI is around 23/24). I tell her to get lost!

Start focusing on “what can I do to treat my body the best way it deserves” rather than “I need to eat XYZ so that I look smaller.” You wouldn’t buy a rare car and put low grade fuel in it and not get it serviced or cleaned etc so treat your body the same. Drink your water, move your body and treat yourself with love. Whenever you’re deciding what to eat, ask yourself if it’s something that your body will be nourished with.

Our bodies are instruments not ornaments. They are given to us to do amazing things not to look a certain way. Try giving yourself daily reminders of the amazing things your body does for you.

“I am grateful to have two working legs that have allowed me to be outside walking in the sunshine l.”

”How lucky am I to have eyes to be able to see my beautiful children playing.”

When you think about the people in your life that you love like your friends, family, children you don’t think “Wow I love my friend Sarah so much because of her small waist and straight teeth.” You love her because of how kind and funny and caring she is and that is exactly how your loved ones think of you in return.

When you’re on your deathbed you’re not going to be looking back and remembering how skinny you were or be thinking how grateful you were to fit into a size 8 dress. You’ll be remembering all the wonderful people you love and the memories you made.

Solidarity because my family are the same and I am 51 and still exhausted by and ashamed of my body.

I'm so sorry - it's your upbringing. Mine was similar sadly and my mum's was too and I know my gran also had an obsession with being thin.

I bet you look so much nicer than you think you do.

Can you practice rebuttals for when your family bring up weight etc? Can you even consider seeing a bit less of them?

That’s sad to read OP and unfortunately it isn’t unusual. I know lots of people who comment on weight constantly … who has ‘gained’ etc.

Its as though an overweight person is somehow less worthy and it makes me very cross.

Ive gone out of my way to ensure I’m the opposite with my DDs.

Thank you guys, I do need to speak up for myself a bit more, I’m not really one for conflict. But now I think of it it’s not even like the family members making comments are thin either! So maybe I’ll just say don’t throw stones at glass houses 😅

I’ve just been on Instagram and found some ladies who are “plus size” trying on holiday outfits and swimsuits and I thought they looked bloody lovely so that’s already made me feel better

I inherited my parents genes (oddly enough). We are short, squat and have the silhouette of a mushroom. My mother calls us 'hobbits'. Yet she criticises me for being top heavy. Last time it happened and she tut tutted I snapped at her 'well- genes will out'.

The biggest compliment she could give my 80 year old aunt was 'You have lost weight! You look amazing!'. My aunt looked at her and said- well, you know I have terminal cancer, right?

Still did not stop my mother from exclaiming how good she looks.

There;s literally nothing you can do with that sort of mindset.

When my DD was in her mid teens she had an eating disorder and was dangerously underweight … the amount of people who told her she looked great was shocking 😟

I hope she’s recovered now.

Just remember OP it isn’t about you it’s reflecting their own insecurities. My best friend had an eating disorder and also knows no better compliment than “Have you lost weight?” And I never know because I don’t own a scales but probably I have not!