How to actually live?

[mamapart]

So I will start by saying I am safe. This post isn’t easy. I had quite a rough childhood, partially due to borderline abusive parenting at points , but mostly due to a few significant events, witnessing dv at a young age, SA from family and strangers, severe bullying , self harm and then anxiety/ depression/ ocd. I got into relationships a lot in school. Then in adult hood If u can call it that I got pregnant at 16 by someone who turns out to be physically , mentally, emotionally and financially abusive. Then I got with someone else who led me into bad habits, then another then another and then lastly my most recent ex. I remained friends with one for years I never thought I got over and then another. I’ve lost lots of babies. Miscarriages and two recently that led to surgery. My lg is 8 and I coparent with her dad monthly who lives in another country now. I don’t really have friends except someone I see at school and occasionally outside, I don’t have hobbies, I’m having issues with my house but thankful I have one ( it’s just me and my girl and the 4 cats and a fish) and I’m just never ever happy. I’m just surviving. Dissociated, depressed, unhealthy, overweight and just don’t see the point in trying. It’s easier to just survive and eat shit. Has anyone been like this? I’ve booked an appointment to possibly up my meds and try to get Into counselling again but I just can’t cope. My heart is broken for my ex and my baby. I miss them. I miss my best friend who I got back with and then lost again due to my own mistakes: want a good relationship with my daughter again. I want to keep routine and on top of things , I want to enjoy life. I’m so so lonely and so depressed. I don’t want to do anything but I force myself for a bit then fail again. In routine. Has anyone been through this, can you help. My daughter is sen so I’m classed as her carer and was getting a lot of calls to the school so don’t work currently.

Hello, so sorry to read this, sounds very tough. My situation isn't quite the same but I do have experience of depression and can relate to what you say in some ways. I decided enough was enough and was sick of having my life on hold so i went to my GP who was really kind and sympathetic and she put me on sertraline which really helped and I promised myself I'd get out for exercise every day even if it was a 10 minute walk. I also started to eat more healthy and felt better as a result.
Also, google talking therapies /IAPT. I'm not sure if they are available in your area but there must be something similar. Helped me a lot and the person I spoke to for my sessions was lovely and it was great to offload and get support. Wishing you all the best. Remember you are stronger than you think and you can do this!

I’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time x

Have you tried yoga? I know it sounds a bit woo but I found it did wonders for my mental clarity. Anyone can do it - don't be put off by the show off stuff some people can do. Everyone goes at their own pace and you're only in competition with yourself.

I find that it really lets all the stress go from your body where you've been holding it - genuinely you wouldn't think stretching your hips could release trauma from the body but I've experienced it myself and it does.

The shivasana at the end is the most powerful part - you lie flat on your back and just drift and let things go. Doing it over and over helps you find a peaceful, strong place in your head to exist in peace.

You don't have to go every week or make a big commitment.

I do understand how you feel. I've lost a child and I've lost big loves of my life. The rumination and sadness can be so overwhelming. But you're not alone. You're human. You hurt because you care and you have so much love in you. You've lived xx

I'm sorry to read your post. I can't help really but what I learnt with my fuck up life is you have to learn to live with yourself and, like yourself. Liking yourself is more important than wanting others to like you others who don't matter.
And this isn't meant to sound cheesy but learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
It's easy to get into a rut with how you feel about yourself, not liking yourself so you don't bother with how you look. Then hating yourself more for being like that.
Even the simplest thing like getting outdoors and exercising can help. I'm in my 50s now I've wasted my life on being ruled by my mental health problems and finally got to a point where I have realised so many arseholes aren't worth your energy. Sorry no solutions but you aren't alone.💐

Hope this doesn't sound rude but you say your DD is SEN . Are you?
Even if you haven't been diagnosed you could try listening to some pods or YouTube about how to cope if you are ADHD etc. I find the cleaning ones quite helpful for when I can't get motivation because I just can't go home and start cleaning my head has never worked like that and I've beaten myself up my whole life.
That isn't meant to sound like I'm diagnosing you or saying you will feel better if you join an online cleaning boot camp. But if you are ND strategies can help. And if you aren't certain strategies can still help.