I want to run away from it all

[Inthebluecar]

I just need to let this out somewhere.

I am really struggling, and have been for a while.
It's been pretty bad since the start of the year and I'm barely functioning in any area of my life.
Anxious, depressed, not sleeping well, unmotivated, at times suicidal. Just feeling completely and utterly shit.

I've been back and forth to the GP, trying different medications. I've done CBT and had some talking therapy. I am staying active, getting out into nature, I've been signed off work and about to get signed off again. And I'm on a wait list of EMDR in case some past trauma is contributing to it but that won't be until at least early next year.

I am functioning at such a low level I feel like life is on hold.

But I just don't know what to do any more.
I just want to run away from it all. Drive off somewhere and forget all my responsibilities.
I just want to stop feeling like this.

I love my children but I'm finding it so difficult to be their mum right now. They irritate me and make me feel more anxious. I'm not getting any joy from being with them and I feel so guilty about it. Like I'm really letting them down.

I'm currently hiding in the library (I'm part way through and MSc which isn't helping - signed off from that too) where I come as an excuse to get away from them. But I have to got back home. It's already after 6pm and I'm usually home by now.

I feel so guilty for feeling like this. And for the extra work load my husband is having to take on with parenting and managing family life, alongside being the main earner

I'm not sure what I expect here. I just had to write it down and get it out.

I just want to feel better but I don't know how.

How old are you? Perimenopause?

I’ve a long history of trauma and mental health issues and have been going through a rough patch and am throwing the kitchen sink at it - including HRT and I reckon it’s dealing helping - as well as antidepressants therapy etc

You sound like you have an awful lot on your plate and are absolutely burnt out 😔 Any chance you could take a short holiday away with a friend or something to recharge your batteries?

Don't feel guilty. Life happens and we all have curved balls too deal with. If you haven't done so, call the Samaritans. They are brilliant. My daughters called them regularly during lockdown. One was suicidal. She's over it now and at uni loving it. They will listen and listen and listen. It took just over a year but she did it and so will you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can't see it now, but you will. Cheery up! You need to talk and get loads off your chest.

@2024onwardsandup I'm 36 and don't think perimenopausal. I have considered whether it's hormonal though and linked to reducing/stopping breastfeeding over the past year? I had quite a big dip in MH about the same time with my older child too. But that resolved much better with medication and therapy. I considered whether was linked to my cycle too, but it doesn't seem to be.

@LavenderFields7 burnout probably hits the nail on the head. A break away could be a possibility. I feel guilty about leaving DH to do everything though, although he's already doing it all so I guess it wouldn't be much different for him.

@Adidas105 I almost called them in the car just now. I've spoken to them before and it did help. I guess I'm feeling like I've talked to a lot of people and it isn't helping. But if I'm feeling the same tomorrow I'll give them a call then. I'm glad your daughters are in a better place now.

Thanks for taking the time to reply all 💙

Don't give up!!!!! You're not alone. Even if someone's on a forum like this.

Still feeling so low. I've forced myself go on a family day out with DH and the kids but I just don't want to be here.

Currently sitting in the car with DS while he naps. I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I wish I could just take myself off on my own. I spend all week doing that though and it doesn't feel fair on DH that he has to do all the childcare. So I'm here.

GP has switched my antidepressant, and given me a 14 days of 5mg diazepam to get through the transition period. I picked up the prescription this morning, have taken 2.5mg of diazepam to see if it helps me feel a bit calmer. I think they were intended for bedtime but I need help getting through the day right now.

Once again not sure what I'm expecting here.
I guess because I don't want to tell DH and my friends just how bad I'm feeling. They know I'm not well but just now how bad it is.

I just wanted to reply to your last message and let you know you are not alone.
You have been really sensible in going to your GP, I can only imagine how much energy even that can take when you are feeling so low and overwhelmed.
Hold tight, talk to those closest to you.
I think you should talk to your husband and let him know how you are really feeling. He would rather know I'm sure. It's OK to retreat to focus on your health, so if your DH has to look after the children, so be it.

I do hope your new medication starts to kick in and you will start to feel better soon.

Sending you lots of love and unmumsnetty hugs xx

Just tell them. You might actually start your journey to recovering yourself

I agree that you might find it helpful to talk to DH and your friends about how bad you feel. I am an incredibly private person and share very little with others, but when I am really struggling (like now) I find telling someone to be helpful. I spoke to my sister yesterday and a friend today. In dont have many people I can share this with but have found some comfort in saying it out loud.

Also, I get diazapam from the doctors when I am struggling and it is for me to take during the day, so don't worry that it is just supposed to be for night. I get other medication to take at bedtime, the diazapam is for when I need it in the daytime.

I'm not really sure what to say though.

My friends know I'm struggling. DH knows I'm feeling very down and anxious and barely functioning as a mum. He know's I'm in talking therapy and seeing my GP regularly. Everyone knows I'm signed off at the moment.

The only person I've told about feeling suicidal is my GP. I just don't feel comfortable with telling people that. It's such a personal feeling and I guess there's quite a lot of shame attached to it too.

I think it would upset/confuse/scare DH. His mental health has always been so stable, even during a really difficult period of our life (our eldest child died a few years) he just copes while I crumble. So I don't think he has any reference point for feeling like this. The only time suicide has come up between us, soon after DS died, his response was that we had to keep going and couldn't let more tragedy come from what has happened.

I could tell him I'm really struggling being around the children I suppose. I already spend a lot of time apologising to him for being a shit mum and wife.

Who told you you're a shit mum or wife? Stop and don't blame yourself.

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so bad, OP. Please don’t blame yourself for anything. You’re obviously quite unwell at the moment.

I think you should confide in a trusted friend or relative in real life, and perhaps look at the possibility of getting away for a few days to stay with them just to have a break from your responsibilities. Do you have an understanding Mum or Mother-in-law who could help your husband with the children so you could take a break?

www.papyrus.co.uk
Please call them.
I wonder if you have cptsd after your awful loss?
That needs specialist help, but can be helped.
Take care x

I took a week long holiday abroad a few years ago ,my other half took a week off to and looked after our daughter .I needed time just to be by myself and just look after myself for once

if you can take a break look on loveholidays dont put a destination just select the month of travel and see what cheap all inclusive trips you could take. Once you have taken a break you can hopefully take a breather