Where did I go wrong....

[Everestisthebest]

Hello everyone, im aware this is very long so if anyone reads it i would be so grateful. Basically my daughter who is 5 has preferred her father since she was about 2 years old when I had my second child. He took over a lot of her care towards the end of my pregnancy. She was born just before covid, so it was just me her and my parrnet for first 6 months of her life and even after it was quite limited as we lived away from family. I was so happy when I had her even though recovery was difficult from c section. I loved watching her growing and doing things. She wasn't a very cuddly baby though and didn't sleep well at all. I did have some post partum anxiety, triggered by PTSD from childhood. OCD type thoughts around sexual abuse and something bad happening to her but this resolved after therapy and medication.

I always tried to be aware of the impact of a sibling coming into her life and how huge it would be. Always tried to include her, was going to send her to nursery but kept her home until she was 3.5 to give her time to adjust. Her and her sister get along really well for most part. I was very unwell for a long time after having my second (also c section), severe pelvic pain daily, bloating, was investigated for ovarian cancer but was endoemtriosis, adenomyosis and cysts. I have suffered with chronic fatigue that has made life very difficult but I always tried to do my best. I am a sahm. Also doing emdr for ptsd. Have a complicated past from childhood.

So basically this is all coming up because she is having surgery today and she asked for my partner to go with her to hospital. I expected this and fully respect its her choice. I just feel so awful that I have gone seriously wrong along the way as I am not her comfort person. Every night her daddy puts her to bed. Anytime she wakes she asks for him. My partner video called me after and I could see it was all mothers there with their children. She didn't even want to talk to me and just asked for her sister.

For extra context that might play a part, I am autistic and have ADHD recently diagnosed and think my daughter could be the same. I have always tried to respect her and have work with her needs. I tell her I love her, try to buy things she likes that will make her happy, she doesn't really play that much but i will always join if she does ask. Should I be pushing more to be the one to do things with her like putting her to bed?

I love her so much, she's so special to me but we just don't have that bond it's so sad. Where have I gone so wrong...I think there's something seriously wrong with me and sometimes think she would be better off with just her dad to be honest

Here's a bump for you. Personally I don't think you've gone wrong and that five year olds are fickle little creatures, but I'm sure someone will be along with a far better answer soon.

You haven’t gone wrong or done anything wrong at all. x

First things first, you absolutely have not done anything wrong.

Not all children have a primary bond with their mother, although this feels contrary to social norms. The saying 'daddys girl' doesn't come from nowhere!! How does your husband feel about it?

It may be a mixture of circumstances, personality, genetics, world events etc if which you cannot do anything about.

Please know: SHE WILL KNOW THAT YOU LOVE HER INSIDE OUT! Whether it feels like that to you or not, 5 year olds are brutal and hold no punches.

The other way around in our house (I also had pna/pnd and PTSD from birth but no more children, it was pre COVID existing and I was on my own a lot for the time with him so please don't think your mental health has had anything meaningful to do with this and you are the cause) but we ensure we take it in turns for bedtime and child knows this (even though every night asks for me to put him to bed). We make a point of dad doing things because he loves him as much and likes spending time with him, and also the primary parent also needs a break/space/time etc and I think it's important to have boundaries around all of this so child knows they can have a preferred parent but this doesn't necessarily mean they will do everything and be everything - your a family unit. Obviously not to make them massively upset or anything but it can't be one parent all the time!

I ask how your husband feels just because that feeds into holding the boundaries, if he very much likes being the favourite this might not work, or you need to come together to agree the boundaries and enforce them together.

And....things change as kids get older. She's still very little.

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake and @iamnotalemon . It was a very emotional day for several reasons. As @SlB09 said its the expectation that mothers are always the primary parent and im not fulfilling that role.

Thank you @SlB09 thanks so much for the insight, that has always been a big fear of mine of not doing enough to make sure she knows I love her. Probably because I didn't feel loved by my father so I almost overcompensate but yet she still chooses her daddy and wants him over me. I have taken the approach of she likes her routine to be a particular way and i don't want to disrupt that but I think it's impacting our bond. I have been going into her at nighttime when she wakes, she has sleep apnea so wakes often and before she would literally hit me if I came instead of DH but she doesn't do thay anymore which is nice. Agree that it shouldnt be one parent all the time, and we have definitely fallen into that.

I just think maybe my partner is more of a natural parent than me. He's more laid back. But on the flipside of that I look after everything. Organising all her medical appts of which there has been a lot, dietitians, toileting specialist.

Maybe he can be more laid back as your organizing everything else?

My oh is definitely more naturally playful and energetic than me, but I am more empathetic and emotional - I feel he's naturally more 'parenty' than me but he feels the opposite. I suppose what I'm saying is it's easy to see the good parts of someone else when your self esteem has taken a knock and not realize your strengths x

I've always been much closer to my dad than my mum from childhood onwards (I'm 39 now). My dad and I are very similar personalities whereas my mum and I are very different. I still love my mum though and we have a good relationship. I don't think it's a big deal. Girls are often closer to their fathers than their mothers.