Need to tell DC about suicide of person they loved

[Bornpoor]

Am utterly bereft. Just took a phone call from
abroad. Our former nanny who was the sunniest, happiest person you could meet, has taken her own life. She worked for us over five years ago but we loved her and visited her in her home town a few years ago. I was wanting to catch up with her again and invite her to stay with us in London. If it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone. How do I tell the children, aged 13 and 10? I’ve been trying to look it up but there’s generic advice. I would like a simple sentence and some guidance on where to take it. I don’t know how she did it so I won’t be able to answer questions about that which will no doubt spring from curious minds.

I agree with this

'Sometimes people are so very unhappy that they chose to end their own life. It's desperately, desperately sad. I wish we could have helped in some way.'

( then allow them to ask, talk, describe your own feelings about it, hugs etc )

I would agree with this, certainly for your 13 year old.

You can say that you don't know all of the details - and may never know - but saying we don't know how she died at all at 29 is just asking for him to keep wondering/asking when you will know and drag out all of the questions in his mind.

Personally I would have told my 13 year old alone, then told my 10 year old simply that she had died, and wait to see if s/he asked how/why. A 10 year old may not need so much information but you can be led by their questions or lack of them . . .

Exactly. I actually don't think hiding some of the awful bits about life does kids any favours. Suicide is a terrible tragedy but it happens. I think being open honest and direct about it is the best policy.

Hope you're all OK xx

I disagree. Death is a part of life and children should be able to experience this form of distant grief before they have to deal with someone closer.

I don't think it's necessary to say how she died yet.

How about it just being an accident, and you don’t know anything further.
I Would definitely try to preserve their reality of suicide that only happens somewhere else for as long as possible.

I would be honest. At 13, your oldest is almost certainly going to be aware already that some people choose to end their own lives, for all sorts of reasons (not just mental illness). They may have peers in their class who have already made attempts.

I would start by telling them that you've had some bad news, that Nanny has died. Give them a chance to assimilate that. They may want to go away and think about it, then will probably come back and ask how. Then you can tell them that she chose to end her own life/committed suicide/took her life (however you want to word it).

Winstons Wish has some great advice here winstonswish.org/explain-suicide-to-children/ - . It's important to be open and honest.

At 13, he is probably in secondary school? Would sucide and mental health not be covered in classes in school? (Obviously I'm not in the UK)

Maybe start with telling them she's dead and then see how it goes.

I'm uncertain if you should hide the suicide. But only you can judge the level of detail you need to give them to answer their questions.
As with everything open and honestly. As much detail as they need and no more.

It’s terribly sad when any young person dies. But I’m not just sad for that. I’m sad because it was HER. It’s easy to sort of deify people in death but anyone who met her, would come away saying how fantastic she was. We were always incredulous at how we had landed her and all other families were super jealous. She was warm, funny, practical, proactive, super conscientious, caring. We used to joke that she was saintly. I’ve never met anyone quite like her.

I'm really sorry @Bornpoor

I think it's important for you to process this a bit before telling your kids anything. Sounds like it is really affecting you and it would be helpful to have a deep breath first in case your children ask anything difficult or need some additional support.

Is it ok not to tell them?

I completely agree with @RareGoalsVerge, worded brilliantly. Age appropriate honesty is always best. My dad died by suicide and my 4 year old has an age appropriate understanding of how he died (because he asked). When you tell your children their nanny has died they will more than likely ask how, you really cannot say you don’t know! I now work in suicide bereavement and honest but age appropriate is always the advice I give.

Do you have access to counselling through a work Employee Assistance Programme or similar? You might find it helpful to book a session to talk through your own feelings about it too, before telling your children. A close friend of mine ended their own life a few years ago, I had thought I'd dealt with it, until a sudden (non-suicide) death of a colleague a couple of years ago. That knocked me for six, even though I didn't know her very well. I found a couple of sessions with an EAP counsellor just talking through the feelings I hadn't fully processed from the death of my friend very helpful.

@Catchafallingstar321 I’m so sorry you went through this with your dad. That is so much more serious than someone we knew and loved but who was not as fundamental to our family and identity. Thank you for taking the time to reply.