Need to tell DC about suicide of person they loved

[Bornpoor]

Am utterly bereft. Just took a phone call from
abroad. Our former nanny who was the sunniest, happiest person you could meet, has taken her own life. She worked for us over five years ago but we loved her and visited her in her home town a few years ago. I was wanting to catch up with her again and invite her to stay with us in London. If it can happen to her, it can happen to anyone. How do I tell the children, aged 13 and 10? I’ve been trying to look it up but there’s generic advice. I would like a simple sentence and some guidance on where to take it. I don’t know how she did it so I won’t be able to answer questions about that which will no doubt spring from curious minds.

I think you should just tell them that x has died and you aren't sure why/how and that it's OK to feel sad and have a cry and shall we sit and look at some photos together of them.

You have no need to tell them at all. I wouldn’t. It’s normal for old Nannie’s to be people you remember fondly but also don’t keep in touch with.

It is really sad and you need to talk about it with adults but I wouldn’t let it intrude into your children’s worlds as it doesn’t need to.

I agree with both the above. Unless they talk/ask about her regularly then I'd question whether you need to tell them or if you feel you must just tell them she sadly died but you don't have any details.

Hmm @Fleakster but they do ask about her. We were going to broach the subject of paying her to take the oldest skiing as we don’t ski but he is desperate to.

Isn’t it more scary for them if they don’t know how she died? She was 29.

It's only scary if you make it scary. Maybe take a few days to process the news yourself before deciding.

Suicide is a symptom of a mental illness. If her brain has been healthy she would not have wanted to die.
"She got very ill in her brain and unfortunately that made her start thinking and behaving irrationally. During that time she did something incredibly dangerous that she wouldn't have done if her brain had been healthy, and unfortunately she died."

Don't use use the word suicide to your kids it is too simplistic and likely to be misunderstood.

All you need to do is tell them she’s died. When / if they ask how/ why, say you don’t know. You don’t know, after all.

Personally I would be 100% honest. Sounds like she was an important person in their life and I wouldn’t want them to look for her and discover it later.
I would she was mentally unwell and sadly died. I would reassure them that it’s normal to feel sad and that it really reinforces how when we are not doing well we need to talk to other people about how we are feeling. I wouldn’t share my feelings of regret/misplaced guilt (if you have them, I would but no one ‘should’). I would see a great friend or counsellor and have a good cry.

I think this is a good approach.

Gently, I disagree with the posters here.

I think at 13 and 10 you have a reasonable assumption that parents would be honest with you about something like this, and the chances of them finding out and being upset you lied are huge.

I would also be honest about the fact that she died from suicide. At those ages it’s not something they will be unaware exists, and it’s better that they hear it from you than that they work it out from cryptic in memory posts on her facebook.

I would be honest and direct but kind when you tell them. Do it at a time when you have nothing planned for a few hours so that they can grieve, and then make sure they have plans for the next day so that they have something to move on to.

Id also make sure you’ve got a good explanation for why people make the decision to die by suicide. Something like mental illness can sometimes make people so poorly that if they don’t get medical treatment then sometimes they choose suicide because they are poorly.

What a terrible shock. My heart goes out to you, your family and of course her family.
I don't have teens, but I remember myself being a teen and I agree with the poster above saying be honest. A lot of the first posts seem to be over simplifying or patronising for a 13 y/o. (maybe it complicates things that the 10 year old is that much younger, but I still think they're of the age for honesty).
I have a strong memory of being in year 5, so 9 or 10 years old, and being told in school, along with my whole class, that a girl in year 8 had died by suicide. (the primary and secondary schools were attached so it was the same school). I remember them saying that she must have been tired of life. It was the first time I'd come across suicide as a concept (pre Internet of course). I think the school did the right thing in telling us all honestly, although of course it was a shocking thing that has stayed with me all these years later.

So she died. You don’t know how. Both of those things are true. So far you’ve heard only that. You’re not being dishonest if that’s what you tell them. If it comes up again in future, if you know more, you can discuss it with them as appropriate. For now there are too many unknowns. You don’t know anything about her life these last 5yrs.

Please DO NOT insinuate that she didn't have a healthy brain!! Sheeesh.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I don’t have any advice as to the wording you should use but I’m sure they’ll be plenty of websites that can help. If it was me I would tell them she died but would say that you don’t have very much information and you don’t know how she died. This goes against my strong belief that suicide needs to be talked about much more in order for it to be de stigmatised - however, with adults, not with children who perhaps can’t understand the complexities around it. Maybe when they are older you can have a more in depth conversation about it, if they still ask in a few years time.

Don't tell them it's suicide tell them youve just heard that nanny has died it's very sad
And then move on ...

Do you have to tell them at all? They are likely never to meet her again under normal circumstances

I’d tell mine the truth, but you know your kids best. People can sadly become so mentally unwell that they take their own lives. They don’t think straight and can’t remember what good things are in their lives, and can’t feel hope for the future. It might start a conversation on how to take care of your family‘s mental health.

A school friend of mine killed himself at the age of 13. We understood what had happened but didn’t discuss it among ourselves, and I wish an adult had provided a space for us to speak about it.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Do they really have to be told that this lady passed away by suicide? If you do not tell them are they likely to find out.

I probably just tell them that you were told that she has sadly passed away after being unwell and that you do not know more than that.

Why on earth would you need to tell them, do they mention the person?

She seems to have no social media presence so my children are not likely to find out via the Internet though they could find out if they access our phones to print some homework etc.

Can I ask why people don’t think it’s a good idea to tell children about suicide? Genuine question. Is it the risk of copycat as they reach a vulnerable age? I would have thought a mysterious death would be more unsettling as it then raises the subject of their own lives being cut short at any moment.

We spoke about her this morning and about how Brexit sucked as it made it harder for people to come over. I mentioned I must get back in touch to chase up my last message. My son mentions her a lot.

I wouldn’t tell them it’s suicide.
Although they speak of her, she’s no longer a close person in their lives so I think it is an unnecessary detail. It might make them feel more upset knowing she wanted to end her life because they will realise she felt very upset to do that. That is a distressing detail about somebody they were no longer extremely close to, and who nobody in their sphere of influence is likely to talk about.

I would also not want them to have that curiosity about suicide, because as you say yourself, if she could do it when she was seemingly happy, then anyone can. They might already know what suicide is, but it will make it much more real for them knowing their nanny took that route.

You can just say she was unwell, that's the truth. Sorry for your loss

My son’s friend’s dad died by suicide a couple of years ago when the boys were 6. On the advice of the various counsellors, my friend didn’t tell her kids that then (they were 6/9) but has told them now (8/12) and also told the other parents of his friends in case the boys came home with questions. There was no avoiding that he’d died as obviously the wee ones noticed but the topic of suicide was deemed too much for the younger ages.

My son was super matter of fact about it ‘his dad was really sad and didn’t want to be alive anymore. That’s very sad for my friend’ and then we talked about different ways people can get help if they’re feeling really sad a lot. And that was the last he mentioned it. Come to think of it I’ve never talked to my daughter about it as she didn’t know him. She is autistic with a lot of health anxiety so I don’t think it would be helpful for her. She does however know what suicide is from books and such.

In this scenario I’d likely keep it as simple as possible and then open it up for discussion at any point - just say you’re always here for them and would never judge them if they felt really sad or had something happen to them. A friend of a friend’s son died of suicide last year after being bullied online so we talk about this often

You know it was suicide but you don’t know why or what her reasons were so there are more questions than answers. I would simply tell the kids that she has died and you don’t know how it happened. You say they care for her and ask about her, so it’s going to be upsetting for them, that’s all they need to know for now. Let them come to terms with her death.
It may well come up in future conversation, they may ask about her at a later date, and then I would be honest and have a wider age-appropriate conversation about suicide then. But for now, keep the news simple.