How to accept I will never have peace or true happiness

[ICDTAM]

I’m so fed up with life.

My parents were abusive (the classic narcissistic family dynamic - I was the scapegoat). I then went on to develop both physical and mental illnesses as many of us who grow up in this dynamic do.

I then reached out to extended family who I hadn’t seen much of growing up, and instead of being shown kindness they saw me as an easy target and bullied me and took out their frustrations on me.

My in-laws have a matriarchal dominance and hate women coming into the family, and I turned out to be an easy target for them too. My DH was also treated badly by them purely for being male.

We are NC/LC but it makes no difference, they stalk us, spread rumours about us and have their eyes firmly set on our children. They have destroyed our reputation with the lies they have told about us and any new connections we make, because they stalk us, they manage to insert themselves and take them away.

I want to move away to get away from all of the painful memories but it’s the wrong time for my children. They are happy and in a good school.
By the time they both finish High school we will be too old to move away and if our DC stay living here we would be leaving them in the vipers nest, and that isn’t an option.

So I’m trapped in a town that is full of bad memories and this is going to be my life for the rest of my days. I’m so unhappy here. I switch on a smile for my children, but when I’m not around them I’m counting the days until my life will be over and wishing it all away.
How do I accept that this is my life? I can’t rebuild anything because the extended family destroy it. They have destroyed me too, as a result of the way they have treated me I’ve developed a social anxiety. When I’m away from this town I become me again and I lose that social anxiety. But I can’t leave, my children are happy here and I can’t take that away from them. I feel like I’m a bird trapped in a tiny cage. How do I accept this is how my life will always be?

Why do you think your children wouldn’t be equally or more happy somewhere else?

I agree with pp. If it's that bad, you need to move away. Your children will adapt.

I think one of my children would be, but unfortunately my one child has developed the same social anxiety as me. They have good friends in school, but I don’t think they would be able to cope in a new environment.

From one scapegoat to another, I hear you and understand. I'm in a very similar family set up minus the husband. These people ruin lives and unless you're in such a dynamic it's easy to minimise or underestimate the reach these families have. However op, I agree with the pp. You MUST move. Change your name by deed poll, change your phone number / email. Remove yourself from social media. Your kids will one day thank you for it; they'd rather have a childhood with a happy, at peace mummy than one who's fraught with anxiety and worry.

You have said yourself when you get out of the town you become yourself again so why don’t you think the same might be for your child with anxiety ? Children are far more adaptable and resilient than we sometimes give them credit for. The environment you describe sounds toxic and is never going to improve and how long will it be before they turn their attention to your children ? You don’t have to be trapped, If it were me I would be looking to move for your own well being and just as importantly your childrens well being and protecting the family life you and your DH have worked hard to build.

I don’t think it will change anything.
The modern world makes it easy for them to hunt my children down on social media anyway.
When you are born into families like ours you are screwed for life. Tied to the enemy with no real escape, and now I’ve tied my poor children to them too.
If I had my time again I would have moved before I had children so that they never knew my children existed. But I didn’t and I’ve ruined my own life in the process.
Even if I moved they would probably put a tracker or something on me.
My long term plan is to end my life when my children are adults, but I’ve got to somehow try and get through the next 10 years or so without completely losing my mind and to try and at least fake I’m at peace until then.

How do you cope with your toxic family? How do you soothe your mind?

You don’t want a solution. I moved to the other side of the world. You could very successfully do this with children’s you wanted to.

How old were your children?

Ive spoken to my eldest about moving and they are adamant they don’t want to move. They said they won’t forgive me if we move. It’s hard because it’s not just about what I want IYSWIM. I don’t want to upend everyone’s lives just for myself because I don’t want everyone else to be unhappy, just because I’m unhappy. Everyone else can cope here, it’s just me that can’t.

Right now, it feels impossible and to try and persuade you that things could be different, would be trite and unhelpful. But there WILL come a time when you're ready for a chance of a new life and can reach out for help and support on here if need be. Lots of us are in similar situations. You sound so tired and worn down so for now, I'd be looking at medication to try and get you on a more even keel and to give you the strength you need to get back on your feet and cope with the mess your family has inflicted on you. Are you are on any anti depressants op? I hope you won't find me patronising to say that they can be so helpful in giving your mind some much needed rest and clarity.

Move.

they stalk us, spread rumours about us and have their eyes firmly set on our children. They have destroyed our reputation with the lies they have told about us and any new connections we make, because they stalk us, they manage to insert themselves and take them away.

They take who away? Are you saying that your in laws take your children away? You later say they will put a tracker on you.

Have you received any support regarding the stalking?

You absolutely have to move. And warn your DC to keep their online accounts private. They’ll adapt and I’m sure will understand, when they are older if not immediately. I’m sure they’d prefer having you around long term to staying put. I’m so sorry , what an awful situation x

Well it’s not great for them to live around toxic people either is it

its your job as a parent to guide them - all the way away from the toxicity

They insert themselves into new things we try to do and take over, so they take away any opportunity to make connections IYSWIM. They follow us places. At one point I think they put a tracking app on my mobile. They kept turning up A LOT at random places we went to, even out of our hometown and would make a big show of “fancy seeing you here” or just staring at us with big smirks on their faces, then I changed phones because my mobile broke and it completely stopped.

3 times since we went NC with my side of the family we have had what appears to be Private detectives follow us (for a prolonged period each time). They were noticed because they were bad at their job and not subtle. They parked outside our house every day watching us, followed us, and would randomly jump out on us with a big camera with a flash and start taking photos.

They know a lot of people in our town and if they don’t know someone linked to us they seem to find a way of making a link to them. They’ve even approached our neighbours, when I was on social media they used it to contact our friends etc.

We have contacted the police but we’re met with a “they can park where they like, it’s not illegal to take photos of you in a public place and people can talk to who they want” response.

When I say I feel like a bird trapped in a tiny cage I really mean it. I feel like I’m suffocating. But it’s also why there is no escape. They have a lot of flying monkeys who keep an eye on us “for our own good” because they all think the really narcissistic family member is being kind and she’s convinced them she just cares too much. She’s quite open that she has people watching us. The effect that she has had on my mental health, she uses as a reason for encouraging people to watch me. So she created the reaction in me, then gets her flying monkeys to reinforce it by getting them to continue the feeling of suffocation.

I’m well aware how this probably sounds crazy to someone who hasn’t had experience of narcissistic abuse. The lengths a narcissist will go to if you walk away from them is extreme, and I’m just tired of it all. There is no escape.

In an ideal world what I want is for my children to stay in their schools, to continue living here and for the extended family to just disappear, but that isn’t an option. I just want us to be able to live our lives.

That must be very stressful OP. I'm not surprised you feel so much anxiety. Are you having any mental health support? It would be a really good idea to contact your GP and let them know how much stress you're under.

No one can be expected to have to undergo such an ordeal over so many years and not feel down and anxious. Please get some support.

I entirely believe you. But as said - leave

You have to move. Children never want to move, but as parents we need to do things they don't like but which are in their best interest.
Be the change.

Sorry, but I agree with the other posters - if you really want to resolve this you would move. It's up to you to decide what's best for your children, that's your job as a parent.

I feel like I’m a bird trapped in a tiny cage So take control, you are not helpless.

What you’re not changing, you’re choosing.

Move. Your child will adapt. You can’t continue like this and you’re going to make your child’s anxiety a lot worse growing up in such disordered lives staying than moving.

My slightly different perspective on this is that - wherever you go, there you are. Its easy to think that all your problems would be solved by moving away but as you have identified it might create new ones (adjusting to moving etc.) You will be exactly the same person so in some ways it might even bring the mental health issues to the fore.

I say this as someone who had some childhood trauma, I moved away and even left the Country for a year. What those experiences did help with was giving me some happy (also some not so happy, that's life!) memories and experiences, and giving me a mental break, and gaining perspective.

However I have often found that when I've tried to build anything I've been met with barriers and triggers around close relationships and stress. EMDR therapy did help a lot with this, but it is so deeply difficult to change one's reactions, and so deeply difficult to avoid all triggers.

I'm not saying that moving isn't the answer- it may well be - but a few other things to consider on the way to making that decision

1. giving yourself regular breaks/holidays
2. Building a 'family of friends' - the friends I have who have difficult family relationships but seem to have adapted better tend to have a bigger network of female friends, as a result they see family at limited scheduled times (infrequently). It still is a source of sadness but a big group of friends seems to be essential
3. if you are serious about a move, I think you have to go and look at places, involve everyone who is moving, and see if you can make a decision together as a family - deal with the steps one step at a time

How old are your dc? I think I'd move if it is a couple of years before GCSEs. Better to move now so your dc can put down roots in a new place. We didn't move until dc finished school. Now they're upset about leaving all their friends. If we'd moved sooner, they'd have made new ones they could still see.

There is such a thing as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, similar to CBT, but like most pp, solving a material problem would be my go to.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I have taken everything you have all said on board. It’s hard. It’s a shame narcissistic abuse isn’t a crime because then I could send them all to prison and it would be problem solved.
I know the logical thing is to move, I just wish I didn’t have to.