Please help, have no one and desperately want to end it

[Roxietrees]

Since Covid and (depressingly) the birth of my son in 2020 my life has been non-stop hell, DS is the only thing that got me through it and the only thing keeping me alive. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me but I’ve spent his entire babyhood and toddlerhood depressed and suicidal, masking (not always successfully) and trying to do my best for him.

First I had serious back injury that meant I couldn’t even lift DS, got prescribed morphine and got addicted to it (judge away, I’m used to it), spent time in rehab, only to come home and find my emotionally abusive ex had taken DS and left.

Started doing 50/50 care from then on. Got no support when I left, was seriously mentally ill - every service I tried went nowhere or I wasn’t eligible. I gave up and tried to kill myself with an overdose, best friend found out called SS saying I was a danger to my child (he was with ex at the time, I was ill and thought I’d be doing the best thing for him). She never contacted me and denied it was her that made the report (I knew from certain facts/wording that it was), 3 other close friends who were initially supportive decided I was being manipulative cos I expressed suicidal thoughts- never threats, just honest thoughts about how I was feeling. They all stopped talking to me. I had no support network left, lost my job due to mental health, had to go on benefits, “co-parenting” relationship with ex was impossible- he continued emotional abuse at every opportunity. Many members of my family also lost interest, couldn’t understand why I couldn’t “snap out of it” and avoided me. Step-mum will always see me as an “addict” (even though I’ve never touched drugs since rehab 3 yrs ago) and said she never wanted to see me again, banned me from coming to the house, lost relationships with all step-siblings too. My dad, mum and sister all remain supportive and I’m so grateful for that but they’ll never treat me as a normal person again. They treat my like damaged goods, which I guess I am.

In the moments of light I’ve tried to date again but everytime I tried each person saw through the light into the darkness and ended things. I’ve given up ever being in another relationship.

Tried to move away for a fresh start (only 15 min down the road), ex pretended to be enthusiastic about the move until I moved in then announced he’s taking me to court cos I’d moved DS (part-time) away from his “support network” (he’s 4) and is now trying to get full custody of him, citing my previous substance misuse (that, clearly, I’ll never be allowed to forget) and my MH. Despite the fact he’s been completely ok with DS being in my care for last 3 yrs when I was ill. He has a new partner and they want to pretend I don’t exist and be a family with DS. DS says he even encourages him to call her mum. Despite how much of a mess I sound, 90% of the time I’ve been able to be a good mum to DS, taking him out, going to toddler groups, swimming, and interacting with him as much as poss. We’re extremely close and he has a meltdown everytime he has to go to his dads. This never happens the other way round.

I was doing well recently, up until I found out about the court case, I don’t know how I’m going to face him in court or prepare a statement or go through being cross-examined. I have no prove of his abuse. The judge will just take one look at my historical addiction and MH problems and decide I’m an unfit mother, and without DS there really is no reason for me to live. At this point I feel like I’m just taking up oxygen on the planet and my existence is completely pointless. I can’t go through anymore pain and want to end my life so badly. I feel enormous guilt no matter what I do - staying alive will just fuck DS as he gets older and realises how much of a fuck-up I am and ending my life will obviously also fuck him up. At least with the latter I won’t be in pain anymore

The judge will just take one look at my historical addiction and MH problems and decide I’m an unfit mother

Gently, you don't know this. Judges are trained to look at every aspect. I'm sure there will be other, more knowledgeable, posters along soon but I just wanted to reach out and let you know you are heard. Can you look into Legal Aid to help you?

The Samaritans are always there on 116 123.

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake i don’t even feel strong/deserving enough to call the Samaritans. I do actually have a solicitor but things have gone so consistently wrong for 5 years now that I have no reason to think this would go my way when nothing else has. I’m not a spiritual person (or crazy in the traditional sense) but my experiences have really started to make me wonder if I’ve got some kind of curse on me or I was Hitler in a past life of something. Just feel like I don’t deserve to live

If you don't want to get help for yourself, do it for your son. There's a long running thread about whether a child is better off to have lost their mother to suicide and the response was 100% against.

90% of the time I’ve been able to be a good mum to DS, taking him out, going to toddler groups, swimming, and interacting with him as much as poss. We’re extremely close and he has a meltdown everytime he has to go to his dads. This never happens the other way round.

That's the real you, forget everything else that's gone before and focus on being the best mum you can for your DS. This has been a horrible time for you but it doesn't say anything about who you are; being a good mum says everything.

I’d give anything to have my mum still.
your little lad needs you, so long as you’re there for him and make a promise to yourself to be the best you can be for him, then you’ll never be a fuck up.
keep on love.

You sound like an amazing and loving mum who’s had some very bad luck. You matter and your son needs you. Hold on tight. 🩷

Hold on, there’s so much for you to hold on for. Your son will be much much better off with you here, living, being his mum.

If it feels like it’s too much just call the Samaritans. They don’t mind that you think you don’t deserve to, that’s not something that will even occur to them. Call and talk. And tell someone in real life, someone you can cry to who can give you a helping hand in the flesh.

Can you stay with your mum and dad for a bit for some moral support?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Let's break this down. You got addicted to pain medication (which is more common than you think, so no judgement here). You got yourself through rehab which is an incredible achievement. Then at the most vulnerable point in your life, your ex took your son. What a peice of shit. You say yourself that he is emotionally abusive and I can see from several things you have written about the last few years, he is still trying to stick the knife in.

Please be kinder to yourself. You have been through an awful lot and with very little support. You've said yourself that you can he a wonderful mum when you are given the chance. Please keep fighting for your son. He needs you and you need him. Are social services still involved? Do you have any access to him now?

I know it's hard not to focus on the negatives when you are depressed and beaten down but look, him taking you to court because you moved 15 mins away is just another tactic to beat you down further. Moving 15 mins away is not a justifiable reason to go for full custody and what does your previous addiction have to do with it? You got addicted to a drug that was prescribed to you medically and have addressed this by seeking help and going through rehab. Your ex wants you out of the way to play happy families with his new partner. Don't let him win. You go in there, you tell them how hard you have been working on yourself, how much you love your son, and you accept any help/advice they give you to keep seeing him.

OP I won't pretend to know how you are feeling because this is your own experience but I can empathise with that hopeless feeling of wanting to end things. It's torturous. I read a thread on here, I'm not sure what the title was but people shared their experiences of losing someone in that way and it really helped me to see it from a perspective outside of myself.
You are worthy, you are deserving of being here and being a mother to your child. If you just get through day by day, even hour by hour, at least you're still here and there's still hope. Talk to people here, talk to your family members or even the Samaritans. You are absolutely deserving of a kind ear and some support.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very best, OP.

💐

Don't kill yourself. At least give yourself a year to try and turn things around. You won't lose anything by giving it one last go

It sounds like you just need to find a job and look after yourself by doing some proper self care - exercise, new hobby and new look.

you're clearly a devoted mum and the judge will see that, but leave it to your solicitor to use the right language.

I’ve given it 5 years. I’ve been feeling this way for most of the last 5 years. And every time I see a bit of light at the end of the tunnel another awful thing happens. When it’s been this long you start to believe things really will never get better and you really aren’t in control of your destiny. I know there’s not much to say to that so no reply needed. @Allaboardtheraveytrain you said “leave it to your solicitor to use the right language”. I thought in family court it was yourself who puts your case across not the solicitor? Is it your solicitor who does it? If so that would make me feel a lot better

@Roxietrees When times are tough (and you are in the thick of it) it's really hard to change the way you think. It also doesn't help that humans are wired to think slightly negatively to keep us safe.

Have a look at this guide and see which thought patterns you can flip round to help you get a bit more balance.

arfamiliesfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Cognitive-Distortions.pdf

a lot has happened to you and its no wonder that you feel over whelmed. firstly i would contact Woman's Aid who will help you especially over your ex.
I think also if you have a good GP you need to talk to him/her. if possible ask for the mental health team to help you, our local one will come out to help you or you can go to the unit to see them. If they help you at least you can call them in dark times and no you have someone behind you.
personally i think your so called friends are toxic do not waste your time with them or worrying about what they are doing or have done
it could be if you think things are not right with your child a solicitor would be the best person to speak to
please do not give up you can pm me anytime i suffer much of what you have so understand do believe me there will be light at the end of the tunnel get the help and support you need then you can get the strength you need

Thank you @amooseymoomum the problem with reaching out for help is that it’ll go on my medical record and I know that my ex will use that as further proof of my instability to get custody. I do already have a solicitor but we’re still at the beginning of the process. Before I found out about the court case I was in a much better place, we had a fresh start in a new house, we made some new friends here, and I finally felt I was beginning to come out the other side. DS and I have such a strong bond and we were going out seeing friends, going swimming, having play dates, making castles out of cardboard boxes - normality was beginning to return. However, finding out ex is taking me to court has plunged me back to my darkest days and, especially with everything that’s happened in the recent past has really made me think things really will never ever get better, even if things start to look brighter, another horrible thing comes along to ruin it. I just don’t have anymore hope left. If things had been fine for the last 5 years and it was just the court case I’d be able to cope and use my anger to fight it. Now I don’t even feel angry, I just feel completely hopeless and tbh have given up

OP what support are you getting? Are you on Medication or in therapy. Your little boy needs you. You have to carry on for him and get some help. You are his world.