For most of my life I've never thought of myself as someone who had or was likely to get depression.
I cried a fair bit on and off as a teen, linked to some bullying. There were some ups and downs in my 20s. All alongside a fair amount of buoyancy. I've taken anti depressants a few times - for six months in my 20s after my sibling developed a severe illness, and again in late 30s then early 40s. These latter times were linked to home working and getting into a rut with routines.
Last year I had an extremely stressful time at work and was ideating suicide.
Sometimes this would manifest as the thought 'I hate myself and want to die'.
This is where it's hard to explain.
I've definitely felt low in the past but it's always felt an awareness that I feel low, made a mental decision that it's probably not helpful to dwell on negative thinking, and a resolved to try and find a solution, or a part of the problem I can fix (for example, I'd think oh my diet has been a bit off, I will start eating better then I will feel happier - this always worked).
But now, I think because I'm in my 40s, and the low feelings still resurface at times, my response is more leaning towards believing that I'm a bit shit/broken etc. because here I am still having these feelings. The feelings surface under stress and my tired brain is just lazily telling me 'you've had these feelings before, must be true.'
This is then like food for the thought 'I hate myself and I want to die' . What was a vague feeling in the past has now taken on words. And it's quite hard not to feel a battle in my brain, as I can no more stop the words than I can stop blinking. It also ramps up when I have not had enough sleep.
I was 'in the stress' for a long time last year so it was hard to see outside of it. I then had a 3 month period of not feeling stressed then started a new job and rhe stress has come back. But I remember NOT being stressed and how that felt. Reading and listening to myself I do wonder if this is mild psychosis (my sibling has this)
TLDR - how to end intrusive thoughts (without having to actively stop them) and how to break low feelings cycle.