Blocked my mum - hand hold please

[changedmynameofcourse]

My mum is a complicated person, with narcissistic traits. I've put up with a huge amount over the years, including being her emotional punchbag as a teen, having zero financial support from her growing up (this is relevant below) and her encroaching on my life and being weirdly competitive with me.

In the grand scheme of things, not hugely harmful but I think it's fair to say she's caused significant harm to my self esteem and my general emotional well being.

I moved abroad. I've had a wonderful family. We're mostly happy where we are but my mum has been trying to create a life for herself here - finding a place to live, looking for work opportunities and now, meeting a man (more below). I've told her that I don't want her to live here, that she's spending too much time and that I'm not happy with her trying to muscle in on my life. That I need space from her.

She has always leaned on me too heavily and now I have young children, a busy job and I'm trying to create a network for myself. I've been trying to hold her at arm's length and she's clearly not happy.

When she comes to visit, my husband and I effectively bankroll her while she's here because it's too exhausting trying to get her to pay her way. She goes on holiday 5/6 times a year but she's always claiming to have no money.

Last time she was here she met a man. She's in her 70s, he's 20 years younger and practices a religion very different to her cultural background (she's not religious). She has a terrible track record with men - she's made some bad decisions and ends up an emotional wreck needing support.

She wants to come and visit this man at a time that is very inconvenient for me to have her around (my dad is visiting for the first time ever - I've been here nearly a decade - and he hates her). I told her weeks ago that I didn't want her to visit this week and that if she comes, I won't see her. She messaged me two days ago to say that she's coming anyway.

I've told her that I won't see her, that she's doing permanent damage to our relationship and that I've blocked her on everything until I've processed my sadness and anger.

I've never blocked her before but I'm so tired of her trying to encroach on my life and disrespecting my boundaries. I've worked so hard to build a better relationship with her but she's pushing right back.

My instinct is to run away again - to not have her anywhere near me but I'm so sad it's come to this. Not sure why I'm posting other than to get this off my chest. I feel ashamed that I'm in this situation and can't have a normal relationship with her but it's impossible with someone who has zero self awareness. I feel so sad and I'm spending too much time thinking about this and worrying.

Thanks for reading this. Not sure I've posted this in the right place...

You are right to maintain your boundaries. You sound like you have every right too as she is ignoring them.

Much sympathy and you have no need to feel shame. Nothing to be ashamed about. Be proud you have built such a great life for yourself despite her.

What do you mean by no financial support growing up? & competitive in what ways? - hope you are ok, sounds like you are taking the right steps to protect your space. You are an adult now she needs to realise this!

Reading this made me sad as I had very much the same relationship with my mother. I also blocked my mother last year after years and years of emotional ambush and her not respecting boundaries. A year down the line now for me and I feel so much relief she is no longer in my life.

I think I feel ashamed because I'm in a country where respecting your elders is really important. Your parents raised you, so you support them as they age...but I don't feel like she raised me really. I was a prop in her drama, a companion when she couldn't find anyone else.

I mentioned the lack of financial support because I'm realising how little she did for us. We didn't have much growing up - she was a single parent raising two kids (by choice, my dad is still bitter about this) and we never had enough food. But she still found enough money for new clothes.

She's never been capable of giving anything - she can only take. But she can't see any of it so I can't ever get her to understand my perspective. I really thought we'd made progress but I was very wrong.

Thank you for your replies

Competitive in terms of attention - she has never liked anyone else being the centre of attention above her and this comes out in various ways. Most notably and creepily on Mediterranean holidays with men - she didn't like me getting male attention over her when we used to go on holiday together.