Pretty much my whole adult life I've had the feeling that people will only care about me for as long as I am useful. The one real exception to this is my parents, but everyone else I feel will ditch me if my usefulness runs out. I managed it quite well when I was single and childfree. I worked in underpaid roles where I felt secure (ie, easily worth more than I was paid), and I had enough time to help out friends who needed it. It was give and take there, my friends helped me out too. It was balanced and also felt secure. Then as one does I moved into the next stage of life, found a husband and had a couple of kids. Here's where the trouble really started. The amount needed from me to now keep my internal books balanced vastly exceeds my capacity, and it's destroying me. It isn't their fault, other people should not have to prop up my self esteem, but I am literally ruining my life right now because I feel so paralysed by failure and the desire to just run away from everything.
I'm already having medical investigations for a physical issue, so seeing the gp about mental health too just feels like too much. Would pills even help with this? I've had limited success with cbt in the past. Thinking that I am worthless unless I have a ready stock of compelling evidence to the contrary is just so internalised I can't imagine being any different.
Any advice appreciated, but I will say that I am extremely time poor, so self care like long walks etc are lost to me for a while at least.