2 Young Kids, Marriage & Burnout

[everysunrise]

Hi everyone,

I want to know if people think it’s normal to feel like I do, or if there’s something wrong. Would be interesting to know if others have been in a similar situation.

I’m 32, married for 2 years with my husband (35) We have 2 young children (1&2)

I’ve suffered with my mental health for the majority of my life (anxiety & waves of depression due to family illnesses & loss) I’ve had therapy and medication to help cope with this.

Lately I just feel so low and irritated. My baby isn’t sleeping, which means I’m not either. My husband lets me ‘sleep in’ when it’s possible, but to be honest I’m now at the point of struggling to sleep due to how I feel.
I feel like I’m giving nothing to our marriage because I feel so unhappy. I feel irritated with everything. And then I start worrying that my husband isn’t happy and that he will leave me (we’ve been arguing a lot more since the birth of our second baby) which then sends me into a spiral of anxiety and how will I cope on my own. But is it me? Am I projecting my unhappiness onto him?
How do I know where the problem is here? I know I’m sleep deprived but even on better days I feel irritated. My husband works hard and he helps out where he can. Obviously we have disagreements. Our energy levels never seem to match. He can be so hyper and jumping around singing while I’m feeling at rock bottom. And that just makes me feel like he doesn’t understand how I truly feel or that he thinks I’m exaggerating. He hasn’t suffered with depression or anything so I think it is hard for him to understand.

I just don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to do at weekends? Fake a smile and pretend to be ok, go out with the family and feel like I’m dying inside? This is a genuine question because I feel like I don’t have any other choice but to do that. My son is old enough (3 in the summer) to know something isn’t right, he’s very intelligent.
It’s just killing me, I don’t know what to do.

Is it depression, or is there something wrong?

Are you still taking medication OP? It might be time to see your GP. I felt like you some years ago, had a chat with lovely GP who pointed out I was anxiously depressed, and I’m still talking Sertraline today. It doesn’t fix everything but it certainly helps to stop the constant brain chatter and irritability. Wishing you well

I was taking sertraline, and I increased my dose recently and it honestly made me feel suicidal so I weaned myself off.

did you feel like this towards your partner/husband? I feel like I don’t know how to manage my marriage when I feel like this. It’s putting so many thoughts into my head. If you have any advice, I’d appreciate it 💛

Maybe Sertraline isn’t helpful for you but there are other SSRIs that might suit you better. I’d say def go and see your GP. Personally, I’ve been with DH for ten years and I’m ready to leave, we simply are not well matched. But that’s my relationship, it sounds as though you need a bit of help with your mental health to make things easier to manage. If you never feel happy/content then something is not right.

You have a 1 and 2 year old

It's fucking hard work

I have the same age gap with my 2 and I remember it well

They are 8 and 9 now .. upstairs playing together and it's bliss

You will get yourself and your time back

They will grow up together

For a few years it's a long hard slog, but it will be worth it

Keep going ☕x

Thank you for this.

How did it impact your relationship? I constantly feel like I’m so miserable and therefore making him miserable (although he says he’s fine) and then it’s just a spiral of negative thoughts from there really.

You have to remember that your relationship was "born" first and if you neglect and fail to nurture it, it will suffer

Sometimes you just have to put your relationship first and make the time to reconnect, talk and just be together.

We don't have babysitters or help so making that time is hard when the kids are so small and demanding but even 5 mins to have a hug and say I love you really helps to get everyone through and feel less alone

It's all those little things, giving/recieving a cup of tea .. taking over bed time .. giving/having the lie in .. the little looks you give each other when both the kids are screaming and you don't know where to start

Laughter is the best medicine , if you can still laugh together your onto a good thing

You'll come through the other side in a few years and say phew we made it

And every year after that will get easier and you'll have more time to nurture your relationship and it will be even better as you'll have that new found respect for each other that you got each other through one of the hardest things a couple can do together, raise your beautiful babies

You'll be ok, and I know that because you care about your relationship. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted about it

Sending you some love and strength x

I agree, but it seems like we never have any time to reconnect. We don’t have any help with childcare so we quite literally never have any time to ourselves and by the time the kids are finally asleep, my husband mainly just wants to watch TV before we go to sleep (we sleep separately because of the kids waking up constantly)

any time I want to talk to my husband (have a heart to heart) he listens but I sense that he’d rather just do something or get on with the day rather than have a chat about anything.

He does reassure me but not as much as he used to. A prime example of me being irritated was today, I told him how depressed I feel in the morning (it isn’t really news to him as I’ve struggled with it in waves over the years) He listened and reassured me and then we carried on with our day together. But throughout the day he didn’t put his arm around me, it was more him giving me fist bumps, calling me mate and making jokey remarks.
i don’t know if that sounds ridiculous, and I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I feel awful when I snap at him but I just want constant support and it’s not fair of me to expect that of him. I’m so reliant on him and it’s making everything harder. everything just winds me up and sets off my anxiety and then I feel awful when he does comfort me (usually when I tell him again how I feel)

does this sound like I’m the one with the problem here? I genuinely don’t know what to do.

thank you for replying 💛

You don't have problem at all. You need a supporting partner to lift you up and keep you going .. not a mate and a fist pump

Have you told him the fist pumps don't quite cut it ? Maybe he was just trying to be light hearted and lift the mood not realising it's deeper than that?

I understand it's hard, especially with no help ❤️

Your doing amazing and you sound like a lovely person. You definitely don't sound ridiculous!

Be kinder to yourself 🤗 x