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Parent with severe MH issues

3 replies

Goingoutofmymind25 · 14/04/2025 19:16

Posting for support, advice and to get things off my chest.
I feel like I have no-one to talk to about this.
My DM (60) suffer from schizophrenia. She recently had a relapse, and seems to be better now, recently released from hospital back home. We live in different countries, and I think that's where part of my problems lies. I'm not able to fly over to give her support due to having children, FT job, and cost implications. I always feel very guilty, and wonder how she is doing, is she actually OK. I call her several times a day to check in on her. She alludes that she needs more help but I can't leave my kids, or take kids out of school, drop my job, to go to live with DM...
She does not want to move here due to language barrier.
I don't know what to do. I feel so run down due to constant state of worry. At the same time I think she needs to try to look after herself more. Has anyone else had this experience and can offer advice?

OP posts:
Eastertidings · 14/04/2025 19:52

Calling her several times a day is unrealistic. For your own MH cut it down to once daily maximum. Ideally fading out to a few times a week, unless there's a period of particular concern about her health when you'd naturally check in more often until things improve. You sound stressed out and you need a break from being her listening ear.

There's numerous charities running helplines in UK which she could call for a listening ear. No it's not as good when the person you're speaking to doesn't know your history etc but you can't actually do anything to improve her life, so the fact the helpline people probably can't either makes no difference.

Is she doing all she can to look after herself? Anyone with problems needs to develop ways to relax, calm down and soothe their own soul that don't involve other people. It's not fair or realistic to rely on moaning to others and seeking sympathy, reassurance or validation from them constantly, to make oneself feel better.

Is she involved with MH services? Does she have a MH social worker or psychiatric nurse? If not, does she need to visit her GP to ask for a referral? For those whose lives are out of control and perhaps need a medication review or course of therapy etc these services can be a useful intervention to get things back on track.

Does she need elderly care? GP can refer to that social services department too, for a care needs assessment.

GP may also have information on charities running support groups or self-help groups or just social groups for isolated people. The people attending these things are often unwell to some extent and may be struggling. She doesn't have to be feeling fine to attend. She doesn't have to rely solely on you for companionship.

As well as whatever else is going on in the wider community, if she's well enough for ordinary hobbies. Community hall notice board, local library or local council website, as well as local free newspapers etc can be good sources of information for this type of thing.

If she's in the UK there's little help unless things are dire, so it could be true that she feels she needs more help, ideally. But if she's constantly voicing this it could be manipulation to guilt trip you into moving closer to her. Don't fall for it, you have your own life to lead, you're not responsible for a parent.

IMO it's unkind and unfair to keep telling someone who cares about you about your problems which they can't solve in any way, it's obvious that as someone who cares it'll stress them out. Sometimes people who are unwell can get so wrapped up in their own problems they don't stop to think about others feelings and needs. There's also a difference between keeping someone updated and mentioning how you feel about something versus moaning on about it frequently and at length.

A lot gets bandied around about it being good to talk, especially about MH struggles - but in all honesty, there's a limit to that. Sometimes no amount of talking will change anything and it might be better to focus on practical measures to improve life in some way or just making the best of things. People also have their own limitations on their capacity to listen. You're not obligated to be her emotional dumping ground for getting out all of her negativity. It's unreasonable to use another person in this way, except for the occasional need to vent.

You've offered her to move closer to you so you can provide more care and she's turned it down. That's her choice. It doesn't mean you have to think up other solutions to her problems, that's for her to do.

I think you sound far too enmeshed and need to step away and separate yourself from your mother.

Who are you?
What are your needs, goals and dreams?
What are you doing to work towards those?
How are you managing your own stress levels?
What changes would you like to make to your life?

You and your life matters too

LeapingSpringLambs · 14/04/2025 20:11

“Is she doing all she can to look after herself? Anyone with problems needs to develop ways to relax, calm down and soothe their own soul that don't involve other people. It's not fair or realistic to rely on moaning to others and seeking sympathy, reassurance or validation from them constantly, to make oneself feel better”

Personally I don’t think the above comment applies to someone with schizophrenia. They don’t know they’re ill when they relapse so looking after themselves well is impossible.

My Mum has just moved into retirement accommodation near my sibling. If you don’t have a sibling who lives in the same country as your Mum then would she consider sheltered accommodation? If she won’t help herself then realistically there is very little you can do. You could ask social services/ mental health services to carry out a review of her needs.

I text my Mum every day to reassure her we’re all alive. My sibling calls every day and obviously sees her regularly living close by. My Mum is very independent though although she is leaning on my sister more and more as she ages.

in an ideal world, you’d get your Mum moved into some supportive accommodation. The one good thing about getting old for my Mum is that people are more tolerant of her behaviour as it’s not unusual for elderly people to act similar. If your Mum won’t move and won’t come and live near to you then you have to accept that it’s likely at some point she’ll reach crisis and the health services will step in then. Not pleasant but potentially inevitable. You need to focus on what’s in your control. It’s an emotional and exhausting situation. To keep it sustainable, you have to only focus on what’s in your control and compartmentalise even that so you enjoy your own life. All the best.

Goingoutofmymind25 · 14/04/2025 20:55

Thank you both for your messages.
DM won't move to live with me or my sibling. She lives in a small town, with very little public services. Again, I offered to take out a loan/mortgage and buy a flat in a bigger town or city with more health services available there. That option was not suitable, as she will not know anyone there. As she lives in small town, majority of residents know each other. I do feel that I have offered everything I can, and this situation is out of my control. I understand that I can't go to pieces over something I cannot change but can't help but worry. I should reduce the amount of phone calls, the current number and length of calls is unhealthy. DM says she finds living alone difficult, but i don't know what else I can do. Sheltered or supportive accommodation is an option in my eyes, i will have to float the idea. It would mean that we would have to sell the property in DMs name to pay for it, and she might be put off by the cost but what is the point in living in misery.
She is very prone in wallowing in her misfortune, but won't see how it's affecting me. My sibling has reduced the call frequently to very infrequent (to protect their mental health) but this means our DM leans on me more. DF died after short illness few years ago.
Sadly, when I'm stressed and overwhelmed by my DMs problems I am an absent minded, snappy mum. I want to be the best parent I can be for my kids. My job is going well too, I just need to learn to manage my anxieties around my mothers situation.

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