Struggling Father and Husband (2nd Child Newborn)

[RollWithItUK]

Hey all

First time on here and just looking for some fresh perspectives

I've always been a hypocrite with my own mental health so I decided its time I change that

I'm a father of 2 now and this 2nd one has hit me hard. A few reasons but the main ones being the little man's birth was traumatic and that has had a ripple effect in my home life and marriage. Without going too much into a "woe is me" story. My marriages sex life has been none existent since January and this is obviously noones fault. Illness. Pregnancy and the aftermath of birth has been the reasons and this isn't something anyone can control but my question to you all

How do I rekindle some of that passion back with my wife in the best way possible? I like to think im being as supportive as humanly possible and I am absolutely not expecting her to be ready for physical intimacy for at least a further 8 weeks and that is my battle to deal with (I'm getting mental health support from work don't worry). I was wondering if anyone had any non-physical suggestions? I've tried massaging her feet and doing as many of the nappy changes and other baby duties at night to allow her sleep as much as possible. I do nearly all the cleaning and cooking at the moment just to ensure she can relax and nap.

Our intimacy has been lacking for a considerable time now and it's really getting to me. I don't want to dump too much on her so I feel and hope if I can find some way to be intimate with her again in anyway (regardless of it being physically or not) this might help me aswell

Thanks in advance all and hoping I can become the best father and husband I can be

Ask your wife what would make her life easier/better??

How long ago was the baby born ?

You could be honest with us and yourselves and just say what do I need to do so my wife has sex with me again.

@shellyleppard she's been honest and said she's not sure/wants nothing and is "happy" but I feel she's not being totally honest. She has admitted she feels bad for her lack of reciprocation so I'm trying to improvise and do my best in the current scenario

@rookiemere 2 weeks. I'm not a fan that you're insinuating I'm beating around the bush. I'm absolutely not expecting my wife to drop everything. Heal instantly and have sex with me. I'm looking for suggestion from a forum based around parents as to what I can do to make her feel loved, intimate and sexy without something strictly physical. I've tried suggesting things to her to connect with her but she's not been receptive.

I took a real leap airing this on a public forum. Please don't make me regret it.

I think you're framing this wrong. Check with your wife if she wants you to make her feel sexy, but I suspect she is (correctly) experiencing your attempts as trying to get sex as soon as possible.

Sex is not a human right. Your wife is tried, has had a traumatic birth, and you're dealing with a newborn and an older child

Your lack of sex is not the priority here

Back off. Focus on being a good partner and a good father

It's not far off instantly if the baby's only fourteen days old and you're already feeling neglected because she isn't having sex with you yet.

She isn't going to be feeling 'sexy' for some time yet, especially if you're already making her feel guilty about it. And, no, saying you'll make do with a blow job will not improve the relationship if you were thinking that.

Just be loving? Is it that hard? My dh of 30 years and I have gone through sex droughts post birth and now—30 years later—post a cancer surgery but we just continued to snuggle, kiss, be attuned to one another. Intimacy comes and goes but love lasts throughout. I expect we will be back to sex soon once my scars have healed. In the meantime we just dote on each other.

"Please don't make me regret it"

@RollWithItUK too late pal. You sound selfish!

eta; missing quote

What about a cuddle, and stroke her hair - a non-sexual but deeply affectionate cuddle, so that you have intimacy but without demands.

Your baby is 2 weeks old, you say it was a traumatic birth. All your wife needs to be focusing on is healing and resting. So you support her with that.

She really does not need to be worrying about intimacy, or feeling sexy.

I am trying to be kind here as it was obviously traumatic for you as well but honestly back off. Look after her, clean, cook, make sure she can rest. She needs to feel loved, respected, cared for and not pressured.

Am glad you are getting support for your mental health.

Oops! 14 days after the birth? Christ! She isn’t going to be feeling the sexy times for quite a while. Try imagining —though apparently you can’t—some valorized masculine endeavour like climbing Everest without oxygen and with a newly amputated leg while also succoring fallen comrades and carrying a load of supplies. Now imagine that your wife keeps badgering you for flirtatious notes and complaining that you aren’t feeling sexy. How does that sound?

She’s 2 weeks pp after a traumatic birth. Nothing on the planet is going to make her feel intimate and sexy right now.

Oh my God. The baby is 2 weeks old. Your wife has suffered a traumatic birth. And you're believing yourself to be reasonable by not expecting sex "for at least another 8 weeks".

Honestly, this isn't about you and your desire. Your wife doesn't need or want to feel "sexy" 2 weeks post partum. She wants you to be a proper partner, put the baby and her first, and just be actually supportive without expecting something back.

Nothing could have made me feel 'sexy' in those early weeks, so I'd not be focusing on that. Instead I think lots of encouragement and acknowledgment, along with practical help (which is sounds like you're doing) will help your wife feel loved and supported.

There is no reason why your intimate life won't resume in time, but do give her time and don't under estimate how scary sex can seem after giving birth. I was more nervous and scared having sex post birth after both my kids than I was losing my virginity. So scared it would hurt, feel 'different' etc... add to that the changes in my body, leaking boobs, baby weight etc... it's hard for a lot of women to get back in that 'sexy' headspace. It's got nothing to do with being attracted to our partner's either, it's more about us and grappling with the numerous changes and stresses our bodies have been through. Honestly, it took me a couple of years after both kids to feel confident sexually again.

The baby is 2 weeks old? Fucking hell your poor wife!

Have a wank, don’t even think of pestering her for sex, while she’s recovering make sure you’re doing all the housework, older child care etc as much as you can.

Don’t fall into the routine that most men seem to of expecting your wife to do everything and then wonder why they’re not getting any - it’s very hard to be attracted to a man who behaves like a child who needs looking after.

To summarise - your wife passed a baby through her vagina 2 weeks ago and you’re suffering because you’re not having sex. Jesus. Again, your poor wife. Man up, get a grip. Do better.

I think the problem is how you’ve presented this. You say you’re but expecting sex yet you come across as champing at the bit and she can probably sense that. It’s sounds like you’re asking for help to ‘get her in the mood’ which feels a bit manipulative. Your baby is only 2 weeks old. It sounds like you’re being a supportive, caring husband, but if she senses you’re only doing that to get her in the sack again, she’s probably going to feel a bit put off.

the intimacy and sex will return, you just have to give it, and her time. Do all the things you’re doing, simply because they’re the right things to do, and without the hidden agenda of hoping you can get more sex if you do more stuff.

You doing more stuff is not going to guilt her into having sex before she’s ready.

Did I misunderstand? Your wife gave birth 2 weeks ago?

I just really hope this isn't real. Honestly.

Seen enough on MN and rl to know that this is very common.

Two weeks. Fucking hell.

Two fucking weeks. Jesus Christ. She's just had a traumatic birth. She does not want help feeling sexy.

I missed that she is only two weeks from giving birth. What the hell are you doing OP coming on here asking about your sex life. I have heard it all now.

He'll not be back 🙄

This guy is selfish beyond belief...me me me me

This is terrible, your poor wife !

I haven’t left the house for the first 2 weeks after my DS was born. And in that period I haven had a chance to wash my hair even once. So yeah, it was all about survival in the first, I’d say, three months! You’re being very very very unreasonable to expect any intimacy/meeting your needs in the first few months, especially after a traumatic birth! I had one too btw so know what I’m taking about.