After trying to overcome my mental health issues all my life do I just admit defeat and let it consume me?

[Picklingwalnuts]

For most of my life, as far back as I can remember, I have had poor mental health.

From very early childhood I have suffered with very anxious thoughts, various ocd's, panic disorder, low mood, high states of anxiety which has caused me physical as well as mental anguish. I have always felt as though my mind/brain functions differently from others, I don't know how or why but it has always felt that way. It regularly reduces my self esteem to all time lows and leaves me feeling that I have low resilience to the ever day things that life throws at me. Nothing feels easy for me, even putting out the washing is a huge task, a huge effort physically, mentally and emotionally and just knowing that makes me feel useless and a waste of space.

My whole adult life has been about seeking help and advice to try and 'fix' me. I have lost count of the amount of cbt sessions that I have undertaken. I have also seen various counsellors and tried more alternative forms of therapy such as emdr, tapping and hypnotherapy through to sound baths, bowen technique, reflexology and acupuncture etc. Basically, in my pursuit of happiness I have spent money on these things in the same way friends and family would spend on holidays etc. Yet here I am at 52 and feeling no better, in fact, thanks to perimenopause, losing my job and dealing with elderly parents, one of whom suffers from Alzheimer's, is just about finishing me off right now.

I have recently tried going down a different path of therapy in the form of Acceptance Therapy and lived in the hope that allowing this to wash over me and accept this is who I am may help but it doesn't. I suppose it is because I am probably still resistant to it. But the truth is that I don't want to accept this. Every day causes me turmoil. I have so many physical issues alongside all of this. I just live each day with a mask plastered on my face to look as though I am coping but with the sweet blessed knowledge that I can crawl into bed every day and lay in the dark and not face the world. That is the highlight of each day.

I am slowly giving up hope that I will ever be able to enjoy life in the way those I know without mental health issues. None of these therapies are helping me, no medication helps (SSRI's makes me feel worse, TCA's make me feel like a zombie), no amount of exercising, eating well, never drinking alcohol or caffeine etc.

I have always felt that my mental health and the rest of me are completely out of alignment with each other and fear they will always be, it's a miserable way to live but after fighting it for so long i fear I have no choice but to accept I will always be dominated by my mind.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Hopefully someone will Come along to give you some advice, but I noticed you don't get on with ssris? I'm similar in that they hike up my anxiety and agitation and make me feel worse. I've found mirtazapine to Be the only antidepressants I can tolerate - have you tried these?

You might be interested in the ideas of a clinical psychologist called Lucy Johnstone - she is one of a number of professionals who think that mental health diagnoses should be looked at differently - not as a disorder of the brain but as a reaction to someone's life and circumstances. I'm not explaining it very well, and apologies if it's not something that resonates with you, but just thought I'd mention it as I came across it recently and was quite intrigued by the ideas put forward.
Best wishes to you OP.

In an ideal world what would be different in your life? What would it look like?

Did anything trigger your OCD and panic?
Do your family suffer from mental health problems?
What is your support network like?

a clinical psychologist called Lucy Johnstone - she is one of a number of professionals who think that mental health diagnoses should be looked at differently - not as a disorder of the brain but as a reaction to someone's life and circumstances

@BucketFacer do you have any specific book or podcast to recommend regarding this? I’m very interested and haven’t heard of it before.

The thing that has worked best for me has been very long term psychotherapy. I've chosen people who are with UKCP as they tend to have the most stringent registration requirements.
It is expensive but has been worth it for me in massively reducing anxiety.
I feel your pain about exhaustion. I have fibromyalgia. That side of things I do tend to roll with and try and accept.

I'm in the position now of having finished work with a very long term therapist who has retired and I will be starting with a new one shortly. It is a weird period and I'm experiencing a bereavement type grief at the ending but I still think it was really worth it! My head is above water much more than I thought I would be!

I am sorry that your life has panned out this way thus far.

However, you mention a job? What industry are you in?

With MH sadly it mostly is down to the individual and their attitude and approach to it.

Hard as it is your firstly need to stop giving a FK what others think of you. That helps enormously

Also you only get one life so to hell with the anxieties and go and do something you know you will enjoy!

I understand you have tried everything but a short 20 min walk a day helps enormously. Not on the first day but after a few days you will feel a touch lighter mentally

T-E-A

Thoughts influence your Emotions and they influence your Actions

Your thoughts of worrying and caring too much are influencing evetything

Hence stop caring too much. You have nothing to lose

What do you enjoy? Have you thought about joining likeminded people online, who can bring you some relief from your thoughts?

I am not minimising your experience btw

Oh and the exhaustion- yes dreadful I had an undiagnosed genetic condition which finally was found after 40+ years so I know how debilitating that can be

I was well known for being ‘lazy’!!!!!

@ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself there are bits on YouTube. I actually came across her in a book by a neurologist Suzanne O'Sullivan called "The age of diagnosis" but Lucy has coauthored a book called "The Power Threat Meaning Framework" - I haven't read that though!

A good question. I have this sense about feeling lonely. Wonder if it’s more exhausting trying to manage it rather than accept it as my reality.

What was your childhood home environment like, OP? (My guess is that you may have had one controlling, demanding parent and one who was in fear of them.)

I wish I had some good advice for you but I think good mental health is so individual, and very much down to the make-up of your brain (whether that's in terms of how your brain is wired from the get-go, e.g. a MH condition or neurodiversity, or the path of least resistance that it takes in responding to circumstances, e.g. how you react).

A few things that have helped me:

• not putting too much pressure on myself to do too many things or socialise with people I find draining. I've got much better at politely saying no.
• signing up to a regular weekly exercise class that I've paid for in advance - much harder to talk yourself out of.
• spending time outside, be it sitting in the garden or hiking up hill and down dale. I appreciate this is much easier for some than others.
• taking the pressure off re treatment/therapy and just talking, regularly but fairly infrequently, to one counsellor, who I find sensible and low-key enough to work with. I also have forced myself to realise that this alone is not enough - I have to put the work in in terms of the "homework" she gives me/mental exercises she tells me to try.
• spending time with elderly people - there's nothing like this for making you see yourself and your life in a different light, i.e. in terms of gratitude and time left.

I absolutely hear you op. I have been where you are. I follow a program set by Dr Claire weekes in her book SELF help for your nerves. It explains acceptance in a way iv never heard before and it actually works in a physiological way.

Don't get me wrong, I still have setbacks. Am going through one now. But her method will give you the tools to come out the other side.

I read this and really feel for you. I can relate at a lower level with the struggle doing everyday things and always having your mind playing up in some way.

What came to mind for me was can you try a life without the appointments. Maybe for a year and see if you feel better. Try the acceptance you spoke about.

BUT I’m not qualified in mental health and this could take you off in the wrong direction for all I know.

I love the Claire Weekes books, she has literally saved my life! Old fashioned yes, I think they were written in the 60's but they absolutely work.

This.

Unfortunately, like me, you have probably spent decades having the wrong type of therapy.
Having discovered I suffered from PTSD and found the right psychotherapist I have made great progress but it still takes many, many months to see progress and it may take years.
Can I ask if you have a very critical inner voice?
If you do, I can recommend a book by Robert Firestone called something like 'Combating destructive voice therapy'
This book is a great way to get through to the source of your destructive beliefs and thought patterns.

Your MH has already consumed you all your life. What you're saying is do I continue to be in conflict with myself or do I just do nothing? In other words I've been banging my head against a brick wall. So perhaps it is time to go in a different direction.
Would it matter if you did nothing?
For example what is it that knows that you have MH issues? It cannot be your mind because it is the mind that is ill. So there must be something else there observing the mind and its ill-usions. So perhaps just observing the mind and its creations without believing those illusions or being attached to them might be a start.

I understand how you feel and have been the same for so long now, about 30 years. They're are better times, but never great. At the moment it's really bad. I suspect undiagnosed ADHD, ADULT DD has been diagnosed with it and we have similar traits. I can't keep a job, as I'm bored with everything within weeks. I'm anxious about so many things, health anxiety, driving, phone calls. I can't sleep at night as I can't switch off.

I've tried many SSRIs and other antidepressants, various different therapies. Nothing helps.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I too have had the thought, do I just accept this is how it is? Unfortunately I'm trying to apart ok in front of my partner (not living together, but doesn't understand) which I'm finding increasingly difficult.

Books I've found useful are Matt Haig's, also Depressive Illness, The curse of the strong by Dr Tim Cantopher.

I have a psychiatrist that thinks like this and it's a game-changer, today we did some hippy shit before she prescribed me more meds and a "practise this at home". She and my psychologist, who also has that mindset, work together as a team and the care I am receiving is phenomenal.
That however doesn't change how I am feeling over-night, and my c-PTSD, bipolar and insomnia are at an all time low.
Although I am just over 20 years the OPs junior I can relate to her in this struggle. But OP please remember that if you show up to yourself everyday in whatever way you best can, then you are showing up. Even if that means you only ordered a Domino's and ate in bed. Congrats, you've fed yourself. You showered, amazing now you smell nice. You went to the gym and didn't shower, phenomenal you moved.
Having this mindset helps me be a little kinder to myself, but again it's not a solution, as you clearly need to find a psychologist that works FOR you and WITH you, and has your best interest in mind at all times. And that's so f---- hard.
(I'm sorry @Picklingwalnuts if this is all BS you've heard before and it doesn't work for you, like I said, my MH is in the gutter and I am on a journey to find some drugs that calm me down. Also have you tried Lamictal? for me it's a lifesaver)

Thank you, everyone. I have read and appreciate all of your helpful replies, just trying to process it all. I will reply fully later.