It’s happening again

[Nix32]

OH has a long, complicated and painful mental health history. We know that stress is a trigger and so his life is set up to avoid it. I’m the main earner, he works part time.

His work has become very stressful so he wants to leave and is looking for something else. Sounds great, and proactive, right? Except now both things are stressful - working and looking for work.

He’s been applying and has had interviews, been pipped to a couple, but not landed one yet.

I’ve suggested he just leave and then focus on finding something else, but he feels that the financial pressure would be too much.

I’ve talked to him about being well being a priority, told him I’m worried about him being ill. He recognises it’s beginning to make him ill.

Don’t know why I’m posting really, just frustrated and scared - the crash feels inevitable and I don’t want to go through it again.

It could well be that trying to avoid stress is causing him stress. Stress as an entity doesn't exist - it's our individual emotional reaction to events and circumstances (hence why two people can go through the same experience with one finding it stressful and the other not).

Has therapy/medication helped his mental health? Ideally something to build his resilience would reduce the intensity of his stress response.

Been on and off medication for years. Currently off.

Has had extensive, intense therapy which helped enormously and concluded that he needs to minimise stress.

He knows stress is inevitable but at this point it’s overwhelming, in all directions.

The therapist concluded he needs to minimise stress?

You can’t just ‘avoid stress’. It doesn’t work like that.

Good therapy should include teaching him coping mechanisms and helping him widen his ‘window of tolerance’ which currently sounds too small.

Would strongly recommend more, better therapy.

My suggestion would be to approach his current employer and request additional support.

That would
(a) help reduce his stress
(b) be a process that teaches him to proactively solve, rather than run away
(c) give him the beginnings of a toolkit to deal with stress in a productive way

He’s experienced a complete nervous breakdown and psychosis. He has PTSD and depression. He’s had support from psychiatrists and psychologists, not just random therapists. I can’t fault the support he has received. Life will forever involve managing his mental health, we are both aware of that.

The job isn’t the problem, the management is. Staff are leaving in droves. Asking for support from them is pointless - the manager literally closes his door and ignores everyone. It is a whistleblowing situation but he doesn’t have the fight in him to be that person.

Could you sit down with the finances and help him see how you could cope without him working? How long do you think you could manage?

It sounds like the most pressing issue is the current job. Leaving that would give him more time to job search and less stress in the process. Does he have coping strategies other than avoiding stress??

As a PP has said, approach it practically and show him how you will cope financially for the next few months on a single income.

On another note, it does sound like responsibilities fall solely to you when he’s not coping - have you got your own support in place, therapy, family etc?

I feel for you - this is a bit like me but I am the one in the relationship with ongoing mental health and job stress. If he works part time and its management what is the specific issue? Helping him with coping strategies
is also beneficial.

I think it’s amazing you are prepared to shoulder all the financial burden and give him the space he needs!

in your situation I would tell him strait that the fear he will start to struggle is causing YOU stress. That your preference is he stop work now and you won’t be upset or resentful about the finances as it would be less stressful for you happening that way around. Point out you have structured your lives around avoiding stress for him but right now you need to structure it to avoid stress for you too because you can’t cope with this situation. Add in a clarifying comment that it’s fear of his suffering and the impact on you NOT that this is his fault

I made an account just so I could reply. We’ve been there too. We may someday be there again. Hang on. Don’t give up. It’s the hardest work. But you will get to the other side.

It’s great that he’s had support and therapy. It may be a good time for him to pick that back up for a temporary period while he goes through this. But you need this too! Do you have good support around you personally? A good therapist? And a good network of friends (or a friend) who get it (don’t immediately tell you to walk out; know that real life comes with some struggle) and can be there for you while support your partner.

It is a painful imperfect process. But It IS worth it. He is worth it. You are worth it. You will make it through. Hang in there. take care of yourself.

@user1475655823Thank you for your post and your understanding. Yes, I have support, thankfully. It’s just so exhausting and frustrating, and I’m so sick of being on the lookout for mood swings and symptoms all the time. I know it’s a cycle and I know we’ll get through it - I just wish it wasn’t a part of our lives. I worry about the children too - it was easier to protect them when they were younger and oblivious, now they’re teenagers and more aware.

@user1492538376I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this too - I know it’s tough from your perspective too. Rationally, he knows the coping strategies, but when he’s overwhelmed he can’t use them and that triggers a slump into depression.

@BurnttI’m not sure if it’s amazing or if I’m just a mug! The problem with sharing my fears is that he then hides what’s really happening to ‘protect’ me - which I absolutely hate! I would much rather know what’s happening and deal with it.

@BumdishclothsWe’ve been through this cycle so many times, I’m used to keeping things together. He is currently functioning normally, but I can see the dips in his mood coming back, and that’s often the first sign.

Thanks for the support, everyone, and for listening.

Should he be off medication?

Work stress that involves colleagues is awful. I'm going through similar (bullying, management not dealing with it), and it's broken me, and I don't have mental health issues. Trying to sell yourself to another employer is really difficult when you're already down.
He really does need to leave, if finances allow. Could he be signed off sick for a couple of weeks, at least, or take some holiday?

Check out the sick pay policy and holiday entitlement and use it to apply for jobs. I’ve always found it easier to get a job whilst still employed