Horrible thought that won’t go away

[onlyonewayhome]

So I’m going to say it here. I wish I only had one child. And I wish it was the second. if I could live my life again and know that if I conceived at X time it would be my second I’d have just had her.

I am so ashamed of the thought but it won’t go away. At the moment the two of them are destroying me. I find DS (my older one) so very difficult: argumentative and rude and defiant. He has good qualities too but doesn’t listen to me and doesn’t engage with me. I know it’s my parenting that’s done that. Life is such hard work with him and DD combined, two baths and bedtimes, two dinners to nag to eat, meeting different needs on my days off with them. I long for the relative straightforwardness of just one. And that thought wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t for the horrible realisation that I know which one I’d have again.

I wish I could press a button and not feel like this.

Look up about how the brain changes in adolescents. If he is a teenager. It’s amazing how you can be speaking to a wall and getting yourself all worked up. A lot of it you can’t do anything about the attitude but you can find out how not to sweat the small stuff and get yourself exhausted. 💐

It sounds like the DS is younger as OP talks about bath and bedtime. I could be wrong though

It's just a thought, OP. You don't have to feel proud of it, or ashamed of it. You sound overwhelmed and life sounds really challenging. Can you muster up any compassion towards yourself for how tough life is? I think I would likely have the same thought if I was in your shoes. Maybe your son just came out like this and your parenting didn't cause it. There might be strategies you could use to help manage his behaviour better. Please just ease up on yourself a bit.

I haven't really got any advice off the top of my head OP but remember it's just a thought and probably a phase he's going through

He’s only four, yes, sorry, thought I’d said their ages.

I know it’s a phase and in many ways comparatively he’s easy because he’s obviously more independent than DD, who is two in June. But I’ve always found him tricky if I’m honest, it’s hard to explain exactly what it is but I find him argumentative and just difficult really. But I’m probably being unfair there, I just seem to have so much more patience for my other child and I don’t even know why.

Don’t beat yourself up, parenting is difficult but you do need to try and shift your mindset, it’s not helpful for your or your ds to feel like this. How old are they? We’ve got 6 including step and they’ve all had they’re difficult phases. DS1 was a nightmare 2-7 and now he’s the most mature, lovely boy whereas DD2 was angel up untill she turned 10. It’s very possible in a year ds will grow out of it and your dd will become the hard child.

do they get on? There’s positives to having two, they can entertain each other. Is their father there?

Some children just are more tricky and difficult than others at times and there's probably not a mother alive who hasn't felt something at least similar to how you feel, but there's every reason to believe he'll grow out of this particular phase. They changed so much at this age. Be kind to yourself 💐

Sorry cross post. 4 and 2 is so little, they will change so much in the next couple of years. I’m sure dd will have her time and ds will grow out of it.
Has he started school? Is he doing any sports/clubs? The more exercise DS had at 4 the better behaved he was, also he thrived on being given independence and praise. Looked for any opportunities where I could make him think he was making the decision instead of just telling him to do something which would make him argue. Eg we had printed out Velcro routine cards and he got to pick the order of certain things and change it so it was his idea to have bath at 6.15 not mine, breakfast, lunch and dinner menus that he got to choose from each week.

Thanks. He does honestly get loads of exercise - this is one massive thing; he’s never been an easy child to just have pottering round the house if you like. And I do the right things - good diet and lack of screen time (he obviously has some but not excessive) and so on. And he isn’t awful. Just … difficult, annoying, that’s how I find him, which is awful.

It’s not awful. Children are difficult and annoying, anyone who says there’s never have been are lying.
It sounds like your doing everything right and know it’s probably just a phase, hopefully it’s over soon. Good luck!

Maybe he is just difficult and annoying. Maybe it's age and stage. Maybe they are his personality traits. Maybe he taps into things that are particularly tricky for you. We all, as parents, have to deal with our children's negative qualities. It doesn't mean you don't love him, even if you don't always like him. This is a normal part of parenting.