Ex mental health breakdown - what do I do?

[Adviceneeded098]

Hi

Long time member of MN here, although rarely post.

Apologies this is a long one...
I had been with my ex for 20 years, not married, joint mortgage, 2 children for background.

I left over a year ago for multiple reasons. He hasn't taken it well. He didn't have the best upbringing & has taken drugs over the years I.e. daily weed Smoker. Sometimes does cocaine & does not have a good relationship with it (not a regular user but very very paranoid on it).

Long story short, he called me yesterday and told me how some people had tried to attack him at home and lots of mixed up stories I couldn't understand.

I went to see him last night & he believes people are out to get him, that his phone has been hacked amongst lots of other things. He'd smashed windows in the house, the house was an absolute mess.

I thought I'd managed to make him see that the things he thought had happened were not real (they almost certainly aren't real as it just doesn't add up!) And he'd agreed to seek help.

Wind forward to today where he has "proof" (he doesn't) and therefore no longer needs help.

What do you do to help someone in this state? He is clearly having some kind of mental health breakdown??

He needs drug services and possibly also mental health services(though they usually don’t help where drug use is the primary need). But you can’t make him get help. Just don’t send the kids there.

It sounds at though he could be going through psychosis and i would highly recommend calling your local mental health crisis team, they should have a 27/7 phone line. He does need to be willing to talk to them though.

I have previously gone through very similar with my brother, he also thought he was being followed and that his phone (and ours) had been tapped, he caused some very significant damage to his flat too. He was held on a voluntary section for a short while and diagnosed with schizophrenia but once he started on medication he did become more like his old self.

In addition to this, how much do I share with pre-teen/teen DCs? I'd prevented them from witnessing this yesterday but, unbeknownst to me, he invited one DC round tonight whilst I was at work...within half an hour they asked me to collect them & they were devastated their room was trashed and bedroom window was smashed, obviously didn't believe the "reason" he'd given them & so I had to tell them part of the truth whilst trying to protect them from what really seems to be going on.

How do I do this? His dad and I got him to agree he'd make a GP appointment last night but today he was telling me he has proof this all happened so doesn't think he has a problem. He has threatened suicide in the past and talked about it last night. He is completely broken. I feel so guilty and partly responsible for what he's going through although this whole situation solidifies why I left (he wasn't like this when I was with him but paranoia , trust issues, emotional abuse is all part of it)

If he's not willing to talk to them...what do I do?

I am so worried he'll harm himself, although today he was almost normal (for him) yet who in their right mind would allow their child to come to their house and see this and tell them they were just "replacing the windows"?!

I'm so worried about stopping the DC from seeing him but at the same time I cannot let them go there!

With my brother, I called the crisis team but they wanted to speak with him to make sure he was willing to see someone, he was obviously having a psychosis episode at that time just by the things he was saying to them on the phone but he did tell them he was fine and that he didn't need to see anyone, that was the point that I took the phone and explained to them exactly what had been going on and that he had caused damage to his flat and that we was significantly concerned for his own safety aswel as the safety of others around him, then they made us an appointment for him to be seen in person the next morning and they knew within minutes of meeting him that he needed to be admitted. All you can do is try and just make sure you explain to them what he's been like and that he's damaged his home and that you're concerned for his safety aswel as others.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it's heartbreaking seeing what they are going through and I can't imagine how difficult this will be for your children.

Oh I’m so sorry

having been in a very similar situation with a really good friend’s son.

You can try to call the crisis team, police and 999/111

However we found the services so stretched, that the police and ambulance would come, and go away again, as he didn’t want to engage. Even though they could clearly see he was in crisis.

They told us to try in any way to get him to the hospital or inpatient mental health dept/unit voluntarily. It’s late and I can’t recall the correct name of where we went. Said it would be better than the crisis team coming with ambulance and police and sectioning him, which would still be a few days away.

We finally somehow persuaded him. There was still a modicum of reasoning at that point and he didn’t want another visit from the police.

it was extremely difficult.
and an awful time

I’m very happy to say that after a brief stay, and a lot of counselling, mostly private as the service wasn’t great, but better than nothing, he’s doing really well, is off the weed, back on his usual medication with a few dosage tweaks.

But the lack of cohesive joined up service was abysmal. Every one that came out was lovely, but couldn’t do much. And we were very much in our own. if he hadn’t been cooperative in going in voluntarily, I think it may have been a very different and sad outcome.

I didn’t sleep more than a couple of hours a day in 3 days. We could not leave him alone at all. His mother even less. It was hideous and I wouldn’t wish the situation on anyone.

keep your kids away. Tell them the truth. Dad is ill.

A few people I've known from the past who smoked weed very heavily ended up later being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I'm absolutely sure the weed was the cause. Far more of a dangerous drug for psychiatric illness than we know , I believe.

I'd keep your children protected. Explain dad is not well at the moment.

He sounds like he possibly needs sectioning at the moment as he's in an acute psychotic episode. It's A&E worthy.

Thank you so much for responding! I'm just so worried about what to do for the best.
I may have left him but obviously care a lot about him and also need to protect my children.
I'll look into contacting someone in the morning.
Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for those of you who have been through similar situations x

I think you can neutrally say to your DC that their dad is going through a few issues and best to let him have a bit of space to get sorted. And to say ‘if he rings you and invites you round, he mightn’t be ready so give him a bit of time.’ They already know somethings wrong; so make sure they are clear on ‘what if’ scenarios. It’s not keeping them from him, or not letting them; it’s protecting them and giving them a vague enough reason.

in out area you can call 111 option 2 to speak to a mental health professional. Good luck.