2 years ago today....but it still feels the same

[fiodyl]

Its 2 years ago today since by beautful litte baby girl was taken away from me, and it still feels like it only happened yesterday.

No one else has remembered or mentioned it. I cant tell them how I feel as they all think I should be over it by now. They think I am, cos I pretend to be and dont mention it but I am not.

I was awake most of last night as I kept having nightmares about them coming to take my kids. Im glad its raining today,it means we wont have to go out. 2 days ago in the park I thought the peope there were SWs watching me and yesterday I saw someone pushing my baby in a buggy- not how she looks now,but how she looked when she was taken.

Has this happened to anyone else? And will I ever get over it?

Sorry I have no experience of what you're going through - but I hope you get more help from someone else.

of course it feels like it happened yesterday

poor you .. I am so sorry you lost your baby girl, what was her name?

It's not that you get over it, it's just that it gets easier to deal with and less raw over time and you start to have memories that you can relish without the rawness of the pain. I am sorry to say there will always be days when it feels like it's just happened .. but you will be able to cope with them.

I wish you strentgh

I went to the doctors about this time last year as I was having a realy bad time sleeping and having to get up to check things in the night in case someone tryed to gtet in 2 take the kids away.

I got the feeing he didnt really beieve me, but gave me pills to take and sent me to the counsellor at the surgery.

I told her I found it hard to talk to her about it because I was very paranoid that she may report what I say to socia services.She seemed to take this a bit personally and told me there was no point coming if I wasnt going to talk.

Everyone says it will get better over time, but that doesnt seem to be happening, especially wen Im reminded of it by places and people invoved and simiar news stories and on anniversaries like today

I am so sorry you are going through this. We can all listen, and I am sure someone one here must be a trained counsellor, maybe they can talk to you 'off board'.

Please, tell us about your DD (if it helps)......

DD is a happy, beautiful, clever 2 year old now. I am so proud to be her mum and she makes me smile everyday.I love her so much, but I feel really guilty in admitting that even though I know she is my baby, I also somehow feel like she is not the same baby that was taken from me. I know that probably sounds crazy and is probably the reason why I dont talk to peope about it. Also I cant help thinking that she is 'not mine to keep' and that one day someone will turn up to take her (and DS) away again.

Unfortunatly DDs birth was very traumatic and DD was in SCBU. I was distraught so MWsuggested I go back on the ADs- I agreed but didnt realise she had written PND in my notes.
3 weeks after we were dischargd, me and DP had an argument- we were both a bit stressed at the time.Our neighbour heard us and phoned the police claiming we were having a full blown punch-up in the street.

This meant that social services had now received 2 separate refferas on us in a month and that they were going to now get involved which eventually resulted in them taking my beautiful baby girl away from me.

So, your little girl was taken because you had two referrals to the SW's, but then they gave her back. And now you are very afraid that she will be taken again, si it is making you a bit paranoid. Is that right, Fiodyl?

That's not really very surprising. I think everybody would be afraid of it happening again, under the circumstances. I do feel your counsellor could have been a bit more understanding.

Yes she is back with me now but it was only last month that they finally ifted the supervision order on us. We had to fight very hard to get her back as social services were determined that she would be better off being adopted and every time we proved one of their aegations against us untrue they would find some other reason to keep us apart.

That's a terrible thing to happen. I can't imagine how scary that must be.

Do you have a good relationship with your health visitor and doctor? It's very important that you feel supported by them.

Doctor definatly not as he is someone I wouldnt trust not to run to SS with anything I said. HV is ok but not brilliant, if I was crying in front of her she would automatically dx PND and not realise most peope would cry if they had their baby taken from them and go through what I did.

It's difficult for you to let your feelings out, if you can't trust the people you are talking to.
Do you just sit and worry about doing things wrong all the time, or do you have a positive plan of action for proving to them that you can cope?

No I dont worry that I am doing anything wrong,I know that I am not and never have done anything wrong as far as my DC are concerned. The problem nis that this didnt matter to SS, they took DD when I had done nothing wrong so what is to stop them taking them both again?

I do trust some people but I will never trust another socia worker in my life. If I dont know someone very well, I wont say much to them until I can work out whether they can be trusted or not.

OMG what a dreadful thing for you to have to go through

so glad i got to the bit where she is back with you although i realise that hasnt ended your feelings of sadness and frustration over this

Thank you everyone for our responses.You have all been very kind. I was glad that I didnt get any of the usual responses like 'shes back now, so why are u still going on about it?' and no one has taken the ' no smoke without fire' line, that many ppl in rl would think if i told them this.

So I realise now that no one else has been through anything similar on here, but I would really like some suggestions how to get over it. My 1st reaction is that I want to hurt the ppl who did this to me, but realise I cant. I dont want to still be here this time next year, feeling like I have to relive what happened over and over again.

Please help me

You have been through such a traumatic time, and now you have got your DD back, it is probably all hitting home.

The nightmares must be terrifying, and it will probably take a long time before you will be able to trust people again.

Can you see a different GP, and ask for a referral to a different counsellor?

Any counsellor worth their salt would understand that you are going to find it hard to trust them initially - and should treat you with kindness and respect.

The nightmares have been pretty constant thing ever since she was taken. Only variation is since I had DS that they were taking or had taken him too aswell as DD.

I am seriously considering changing doctors surgery so that I might be able to go to see someone who at least wouldnt know all my histor. And the possibility they may have different councellors there. My other problem is I need to take somone with me to the Dr to back me up even when I go about something unrelated. Think I have just about convinced everyone I know that I am over it.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Your children are safe with you now. Finding a different counsellor might be a good idea. Unfortunately, if you do change GPs, your notes will go with you - that's how the system works, but it is worth considering if your GP is not sympathetic to your difficulties.

Are you able to afford to see a private counsellor or psychotherapist, even for one or two sessions?

Homoepathy is also extremely good for emotional difficulties. I know if people haven't seen a homoeopath it can be difficult to understand, but I have used it for post natal depression and PMT and now the early stages of the menopause and it is really helpful. It is very good for fears, recurring nightmares, etc. Fear is an energy that we can all feel. Some of the fear from your ordeal is still with you. Homoeopathy is an energy medicine and can help this to clear. The Alliance of Registered Homoeopaths have a website with a list of well qualified practitioners. I wish you all the best.

Fiodyl I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. It seems to me that SS go charging in like a bull in a china shop and play a blame game against parents.

Its brilliant you got your DCs back but horrifying that you were ever put in the postition where you had to fight to keep them. I had some allegations levelled against me while I was pregnant with DD (there was a basis in truth but SS chose to misinterpret the facts) and ended up in front of a child protection conference. They wanted to put DD on the child protection register and do loads of visits. One SW kept threating to take her away at birth and I was terrified even though by the time I went into labour I knew it woudln't happen. She was 6 months old before we got them out of our lives. I fully understand you looking over your shoulder all the time because I do exactly the same.

Sorry I've not been much help but I think I undertand a little bit. You are totally normal and human