Hi
I am writing this post because I need to get some things off my chest, and hopefully I can find people I can relate to, to feel a bit less of an idiot.
I got my driving license more than ten years ago. over this time, I have driven in Italy for years and then in the UK, when I relocated there for work. I only got one ticket for driving on the bus lane, and I never got a single point taken off my license. I got involved only in two crashes, and in both cases they hit me whilst not giving way when entering a main road, so the insurance said I was right in both instances.
So, by the looks of it I should consider myself a decent driver. However, over the years, I gradually built a fear of driving, which is now getting worse.
I cannot exactly point at the moment when it started. Perhaps it was that time when I tried to get into the motorway and I struggled to safely get in. Or perhaps it was whilst driving in Birmingham, where I would find often aggressive drivers on the road.
I have always done my best to suppress my fear of driving, as I needed to drive 70 miles each way for work, twice a week, in the UK. Also, I have always wanted to overcome my fears and be independent of my partner, who is a much more confident driver.
Anyways, I now moved out of the UK, and I am in a country where roads are safer and my commute is only ten minutes each way.
Despite this, I am getting worse at driving. My anxiety is through the roof. The other way, I was at a crossing, and I saw that the traffic light was red for me to turn. I turned, and my partner started shouting at me that it was red and that I could get ourselves hurt. I panicked and I drove all the way back home in tears, feeling so guilty for crossing with a red light, and even more worried because I was sure that the light was green. Long story short - by going back to that crossroad I realised that the traffic light switches very very rapidly and so I think that he saw it turning red when I was already heading towards the middle of the crossroad.
In any case, since then, I found that because of the building anxiety, I get worse at driving, and there are days where I dread taking the car. I am overly preoccupied of hitting someone, or something, and I am terrified of having my license taken away, of even being arrested. Some days, I feel like everyone is staring at me and that if I make a mistake everyone will know who I am. I feel on me the (most likely imaginary stares of other drivers and pedestrians) Crazy, right? I of course understand that my fears are quite irrational, but I can't seem to control them. I often feel stupid and clueless because I don't know how to handle this situation.
I know that I could stop driving, and get myself a bike or go on the bus. However, I would feel like I lost a part of myself if I gave in, and I would also give up on my independence.