How do I let something go?

[PutMyWinterCoatAway]

Someone wrote a letter to me accusing me of lots of things that I hadn't done. I had hurt them, yes, but had not done anywhere near the things they accuse me of.

It's been about six weeks since they sent it and I can't move on. I constantly write the fantasy reply in my head and draft it out. It's polite, it's not angry or vengeful, it's just factual.

I know I shouldn't send it. Time has passed, it won't change their mind etc etc.

But I cannot seem to make peace with not saying it.

Does anyone have any advice please?

May not be appropriate but I once sent a message that said "thank you for the email, the contents of which have been noted"

that way you've done something without making it worse, may be able to move on after?

Oh that's interesting. Thanks.

Write your reply on paper and burn it.

That's what DH suggested

I just wish it would go away. And it doesn't. It just circles in my head.

Write out a reply - go full on - don't hold back. Vent rage let it all out.
Then put it away safely for a couple of days. Go back to it and read it when you've calmed down from writing it. Then destroy it - burning or shredding.

See how you feel after that.

If there are still points in the letter that are really factually wrong, then when you are calm consider whether you might just want to respond with an apology for what you did but to say xyz is wrong and why. I would only do this if the xyz things are factually wrong and you can be very short as to why.

Like
you are mistaken when you say I shot your husband in Croydon because on that day I was in South Africa which I can prove to you if you wish from bording passes.

If it's long winded and not provable like

you are totally wrong when you say that I hurt you so badly because I slept with your boyfriend because in fact he'd told me you were on a break and so you shouldn't be that upset about it because I was acting innocently and I know he's said something different but he's a liar and you should believe me

you would be wasting your time.

Question really is from your point of view is there any purpose to responding. Do you want to apologise? have you already? is there a relationship to salvage? on your death bed are you likely to be thinking I should have apologised or I should have at least told her xyz fact wasnt true?

This may be one of those situations where counselling may help you.
I too was in a situation where I had received a letter which to all intents and purposes pushed me over the edge. I did respond but only ended up being attacked and vilified even more and unable to fight back probably because the person concerned is a bit of a narcissist. The letter was the result of a situation which had been rumbling along for some time and was creating divisions in the wider family.
It's not the first time I have been in this situation with this person - it had happened probably a decade or more before and all blew up again with the same family members with the original situation never really being resolved. I'm probably more of a pacifist kind of person and would rather not fight battles even to my own detriment. But after writing letters which were never sent stating my position, anger and frustrations and blame throwing - I finally unpacked years of anguish and frustrations with a counsellor after being referred that way by my GP who did not want me to go down the medication route again.
The result being - that not answering their latest letter and going no contact has frustrated them even further - despite them reaching out with another needling but brief letter (which I suspect is because they want to reactivate the drama) - I'm no longer particularly bothered. Yes I miss this person a lot but they won't admit any culpability and have caused me so much aggravation, anger, depression and other emotions that it is easier to let it go. I do think about this person often but the peace of mind and calmness that exists in my mind now is worth so much more to me.
Mind Matters is available online and filling in the form will start the process for you to deal with this and find a point at which you can deal with this or decide to let it go!

@usersldjfksdoi Thanks so much for this. That's really helpful (and the shooting in Croydon made me laugh!)

It would be to apologise and also to reject the blame for the things I've not done. They probably won't believe me, there's no salvaging the relationship. But I'm so desperate to say it, I guess so they know I've rejected that blame?

I don't know if that makes sense.

Do you value your relationship with the letter writer? Do you value their opinion? Is it important to you that they hold you in high esteem? Do you consider them someone reasonable? Someone with whom you'd like to sort things out and move forward ?
Or could you just think GTF you ignorant moron and manage quite well without them in your life?
Thinking through this could help you decide how to proceed.

They won't ever hold me in high esteem and that's fair. I certainly wouldn't be trying to reason or make them see things differently.

Thanks so much. I'm in therapy and I'm so desperate to get to that point where I don't care, I'm over it, I've moved on. But at the moment I very much haven't.

It would be to apologise and also to reject the blame for the things I've not done. They probably won't believe me, there's no salvaging the relationship. But I'm so desperate to say it, I guess so they know I've rejected that blame?

If it's factual stuff you aren't to blame for, then there is nothing wrong with writing to set this out - but you would need to keep it short. If you want to do this, then I'd write it first. Then imagine you need to get the word count down and ruthlessly edit and edit. It may take you a few days.

Then get your DH or someone independent to read it.

What you want is something that addresses the points that are going to bug you on your death bed but is short, unemotional and leaves no room for damage to you. You should be aiming for something that if its posted on Facebook in full wouldn't give you a problem.

Thank you. The FB test is a good one. I'll keep editing and am getting rid of any venting.

Facts don't change their perception of what happened. emotions are so strong. Interesting topic.

Totally agree. And I know I won't change their minds.

I don't know if this makes me.sound (more) crazy, but I don't want them to think that I have accepted what they've said about me.

Why don’t you just reply? What’s holding you back? Just acknowledge the gap in responding by saying you needed time to reflect.

Have your say.

She threatened to phone the police if I 'dared to reply.' But then she contacted my DH too so I guess I'm ok to actually reply?

She doesn't want to hear from me, and i don't want to engage in drama. But I do want to be able to say 'no that's not right'

One reply isn’t harassment. It’s a response.

She sounds very angry.

I've edited it down significantly (I've been doing that for weeks to be fair).

I went to bed confident id send it and I've woken up much less so.

I think after this length of time she will just think I'm crazy.

I guess I have to learn to live with it but I don't know how

Does it really matter if she thinks you are crazy? You know you are not.

So u think I just send it and be done?

Don’t send a reply. It won’t change the other person’s opinion of you and will just fuel their drama.

You need to try to consciously change your inner monologue to self compassion. Whenever you think about the letter you received, rather than mentally composing your reply, try to think something along the lines of “that letter was really hurtful and upsetting and I’m sorry you’re going through this”.

Try to treat yourself kindly while you deal with your emotions.

That's really helpful, thank you and a good thing to think

I don't think 6 weeks is a crazy amount of time to send a response. It's not like its been 2 years or something.

If you are bothered about that, you could add in a sentence saying something like I have taken time to carefully consider your letter.

I'm not encouraging you either way - it really depends on whether it is worth it for you and your peace of mind. just wanted to say, don't let the time passing be an unnecessary distraction to not sending as I don't think it needs to be.

There’s some really great advice on here and I couldn’t improve on any of it (esp @AnneLovesGilbert& @Tumbler777) but when I saw your post in Active the answer in my mind was “see a little silhouette of a man” …

Ignoring such trivialities, I hope
you can quickly let go of this person’s invasion into your mind; they have no right to be interfering in your peace & can buggar off!!