Don’t know how to get past this?

[AlleyRose]

My DD19 has very severe emetophobia. It affects her entire life. She won’t go out with her friends in case anyone drinks too much and is sick. She won’t eat out. She washes her hands 20-30 times a day. She won’t go on holiday, she won’t eat home baked goods, she tests all her food with a probe, it goes on and on. She’s had therapy and is now waiting for hypnotherapy. She is 5 foot six and weighs 7 and a half stones. She has actual panic attacks where she convinces herself she’s going to be sick.

She considers me her ‘safe’ person and relies heavily on me. It’s hard but I don’t mind as obviously, I love the bones of her. I’ve listened to countless podcasts to try and educate myself on how she thinks so that I can support her. I’ve spoken to therapists at work to help me deal with it etc.

My mum is very much “well they didn’t have that in my day so it can’t be real’ sort of person. She told me a few days ago that DD would grow out of it when she gets some common sense and while I didn’t raise
my voice, I did tell her that was a silly thing to say. Like suggesting an anorexic could just grow out of it.

She thought she’d put the phone down and I heard her telling her husband that I was just like my father and it was either my opinion or you were wrong. Then she said my DD was “the way she was because of me”.

Im just so hurt. She genuinely believes it’s all some silly phase that I’m facilitating. I’ve told her I overheard her and she wasn’t bothered. Just told me it was true and I must think she was stupid the way I spoke to her. I did say I didn’t think that at all but suggesting DD grows out of it when she gets some common sense was a stupid thing to say. I said I think we ought to leave it here for now and she just said ‘fine by me’. DD had a hospital appointment yesterday and she’s not got in touch to see how she got on.

I can’t believe she’s annoyed with me! I started to struggle with anxiety myself now, probably partly due to DD and partly due to menopause so to hear my own mum
say that I was causing the problem is just so so hurtful.

sorry for long post. Don’t even know what to expect from it. Just ranting I suppose…

Ideally your daughter should have CBT and exposure therapy. Is she putting in the work?

Unfortunately many people don't understand mental health issues and your mother seems to have a very fixed mindset.

The best thing to do is accept her for who she is and get emotional support elsewhere. You might benefit from counselling as it's very difficult to support someone with such a severe illness.

She’s had CBT but on NHS who would only give her 8 sessions. She did see a therapist before that but we didn’t really notice any difference. She’s tried the Thrive programme too but I don’t think that helped. Both therapists have suggested exposure therapy and the thought of that terrifies her so that puts her off any more CBT.

I’ve long since stopped expecting any support from my mum but to hear her talk about me like that behind my back was really shocking. We have very different parenting styles. She never showed sympathy or warmth when I was growing up and I think she’s a bit jealous of how close DD and I are.

Doesn’t stop it hurting though.

I have wondered about getting myself counselling, it’s very draining some days and some coping techniques would be good (I’m on my own, no partner and eldest has moved out now so it’s just DD and me).

I really suggest you get counselling as I think you'd really benefit from it. I know how hurtful it is when your mum doesn't show any compassion or warmth.

You daughter can download CBT worksheets and continue the work herself. Beating the Blues is a free CBT course online. However she would be better off getting specialist support. BACP is a good starting point.

Thank you, that’s really helpful

I'm sorry your daughter is suffering. I also have emetophobia and have had it since childhood, now in my late 30s. It's awful to literally be afraid of your own body, you have panic attacks but can't escape because your own body is what you're afraid of. Medication helped me a lot, definitely didn't cure it, but has helped me live a normal life for the most part x

Thanks @Midnightlove
its so hard watching her go through it. She cuts into all her food to check whether it’s cooked properly and leaves more than she eats. She does have some ‘safe’ foods but they’re few and far between. The awful thing is that while you can avoid clowns, spiders, heights, whatever, you can’t avoid eating! My DD has told me she wishes she could be fed through her stomach so she didn’t have to eat at all 😔 She says she can never have children because she wouldn’t be able to cope if they were poorly.
I took her to the cinema last weekend but only on the condition that we could sit on the back row so nobody could cough over her or be sick…
can I ask you what medication you took? We’ve talked a lot about sertroline and I think that would help her but she thinks it will make her sick to start with (everyone on TikTok said so 🙄)
Thank you x

When did this start? Can you trace back to what triggered this? Does she remember a time when she didn’t do this and didn’t die?

I’m not defending your mum at all but I think what she’s getting at is that you will be enabling the behaviour, and from the outside that’s always hard to watch

God you poor thing what a nightmare and your poor daughter. I wouldn’t fall out with your Mum over it because she’s from a different generation and MH wasn’t really discussed and talked about or accepted then. That’s not say say it’s ok for her to be unsupportive but I assume as a op suggested, that she believes your facilitating it somewhat and your DD needs to “get a grip”.

I was having this conversation with my own DC about phobias when everyone ran out of the house shrieking because there was a spider and I explained that phobias are leaned responses. I don’t like lifts or confined spaces and I avoid at all costs be sad I’m scared of being stuck in one. I feel that’s a more understandable than someone being scared if a button fof eg. My worst fear would mean I’m stuck in a lift potentially for hours without any control and I can feel my anxiety levels rising at the thought. I’m sure it came from when I was about 5 on holiday there was a big fuss at reception about the lift breaking down and it must have manifested the phobia in me.

I used to be scared of being sick and I hated other people being sick, again it’s because there were 4/5 situations where people were sick in my house as a child and 2 of the those was everywhere and it was utterly disgusting and I remember the reactions of others to it and again ut manifested in to a phobia.

Same with spiders, everyone screaming around you as a child makes you panic and a phobia sets in like that.

I think exposure therapy works we as I’m not phobic of being sick now or spiders though I don’t lobe either of them it’s much more manageable. It’s exposure over the years so for example, moving out with my friend at 19 and there was a massive spider. We didn’t have an option to leave it because the alternative would be worse, it ending to in our bed so we jointly sucked it up in the hoover and from then on. I then had kids and didn’t want them to pick up a phobia so if there was a spider I had to get it. That’s my exposure and that’s what’s helped even the thought of it was horrific initially.

Being sick is a horrible experience, as is watching so wind be sick as its the loud sounds, the sight and the smell and it’s a lot going on and it’s understandable people hate it. Since having kids though, I can clean their sick yo no bother, it does t affect me in the slightest but I couldn’t t clean a strangers up.

My point is, she needs exposure to it and whilst she won’t want to because it’s not nice, she has to agree to it if she’ll never overcome it I imagine. I would start by watching YouTube videos with her if you can get her to agree.

There is a really good group called Parenting Mental Health. Look them up on FaceBook. They support parents of children (of ANY age) who have mental health difficulties. They really understand how other people/ family members etc can be completely unsupportive. Their overall aim is to support the parents when the child is mentally unwell because it can be so isolating and so wearing and so painful and so relentless. It's a great supportive community, and they offer short 'courses' which help many parents.

I took citalopram. Sertraline seems to be the common one at the moment though. I got some mild nausea starting it but wasn't sick. Currently on fluoxetine (6 weeks in) and have the same, also diarrhoea which is hard to deal with, I just have to remember it will settle down eventually 🫣 I'm not eating much at all

I do agree she can't hide from every possibility of being exposed to sick, what happens if you get sick? Getting out the house just a little bit at a time should help eventually. I still have panic attacks if someone is sick but having a child means I just have to deal with it internally sometimes because I really don't want to pass my phobia on to him!

Yes, severe emetophobia is why I don’t take antidepressants.

Your mum doesn’t understand - from the outside looking in it will look like you enable the phobia. But I guess she doesn’t realise that the reason you do is because you’re worried what would happen if you didn’t. For example, your DD is underweight, I imagine you are worried that any worsening of your DD’s condition or any setback would reduce what she eats and so her weight would fall further? Your mum wants you to yank the life jacket away, whereas actually it would be better to teach her to swim before taking away the support (if you’ll excuse the clumsy metaphor). Teaching her to “swim” in this case would be supporting and encouraging therapy, taking little steps, helping with trying new foods etc. with the idea that your support can be gradually removed.

I’d also recommend asking the GP to prescribe cyclizine (an antisickness medication) with an antidepressant. She might feel more comfortable taking it if she knows that she has the anti sickness on hand in case she gets those initial side effects. The GP was happy to do that for me (I still didn’t take it, but your DD may be less useless than me!)

@JoyousEagle

That’s EXACTLY it. I can’t just tell her to get a grip and stop being silly. God knows I wish I could. But her mental state is so delicate (for want of a better word) that I know that would push her over the edge. She must say to me “but what if I throw up?” about 30-40 times a week. I used to tell her she wouldn’t but I’ve since learned that I have to say “well what if you do? What’s the worst that would happen? You’ve been sick before and you’re fine”. It’s little things like that that I do for her (having been advised by a therapist) that my mum thinks is me ‘enabling’ her. I’m not indulging her, I’m trying to get her to eat. It’s so, so hard to live with, I can’t believe she thinks it’s my fault. I’d give my right arm for her not to be this way.

The cyclazine is a really good idea. Thank you, it’s so nice to be understood!

Hi Hamster
difficult not to come across as arsey, but promise I’m curious - not arsey!!

why do you think I’m enabling her? Or why do you think it would look that way to my mum? I really want to understand what she thinks I’m doing. I want desperately for my DD not to have this - I certainly don’t want to indulge her and encourage it.

my take on it is that my mum has no idea how bloody hard it is and thinks I should just say “if you don’t want it, don’t eat it - but you’ll go hungry”. But DD would much much prefer to go hungry than eat and feel sick. I honestly don’t know what to do?